Please help me understand why my boyfriend disappeared from my life...

[Thismamagotgoals]

I would like to say thank you in advance to any and everyone who has taken the time to help me understand and cope with this situation. I am hurt, confused, shocked...I could go on for days listing adjectives to describe how I feel. I knew up front he had issues, they never deterred me from him, neither did the fear of getting hurt, which I’ve always known was a possiblility. I think this situation is so complicated (to myself as a layperson), so I tried to give as much information as I could think of because I know every person and every situation is different and a one size fits all approach doesn’t always work. I’m warning you ahead of time, brevity isn’t my strong suit...this is lengthy

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Thismamagotgoals,

this is lengthy

we are listening.

[Thismamagotgoals]

We met in August, a little over six months ago. He was in a residential treatment program for substance abuse/PTSD at the VA (he was there up until a month after me met, he graduated at the end of September) Treatment was court ordered after he made the decision to go through the VA court program instead of the traditional criminal justice system for a previous offense.

He was born to a very young (13) woman who had been sexually assaulted. She was never in his life. He was raised by his maternal uncle. His step mother repeatedly physically, mentally and emotionally abused him until he left home at 18. He was sexually abused as a child by a young male cousin. He was raped by a man whom he was renting a room from at age ~19. He was in the army and witnessed members of his troop blown into pieces in front of him. He has attended suicide at least twice. Once after his brother committed suicide in 2015, the other after his arrest in 2017. He has been diagnosed with MDD, BPD and PTSD.

He had no one here when he left treatment so he moved in with a man he had met before entering treatment. Not a great situation. The man was gay and truly believed he could someone “convert” my bf...needless to say, he stayed there only briefly. Then moved in with another gay man, who, to my surprise, sells drugs. This is where it all goes downhill. First it’s just ‘softer’ drugs like GHB, GBL, MDMA because these aren’t detected on traditional UA tests. Then he started adding other drugs into the mix after a friend of his roommate showed him how he could buy fake urine and pass a drug test given by his PO (he has one per week). The last month of our relationship was so different than the rest. During Christmas he was trying to be sober, wasn’t doing any drugs that I’m aware of. He was his ‘normal’ self, which was kinda moody but very loving. New Year’s Eve/Day we were inseparable, had an amazing time. I know he was using GHB and/or MDMA, viagra and honestly who knows what else those two days. He seemed ok after. A few days into the new year he seemed focused on getting his life in order. Made a resolutions list which included “be/stay sober”, “be the man *** needs and deserves” among others. At some point he began using hard drugs (cocaine, ketamine, and more I’m sure) more often, and trying to sell drugs after meeting a man who buys/sells drugs and is into financial type scamming done on the dark web, like identity theft and credit card theft from what I understand. He showed him everything he needed to know to obtain and sell drugs, and so much more. I think he had an internal war brewing over what was the right thing to do and the drugs he was using I’m sure were warping his thought processes and emotions. He became very depressed and was considering suicide. Instead of going through with it, thank God, he voluntarily went to the VA, and was in their psych facility a few days. He was never the same after this. The courts were talking about sending him to a rehab facility (where to or for how long I have no idea), he felt he was being punished for doing what in his mind was the “right thing”, seeking help. And it WAS the right choice, of course. After this he started talking about running away and getting a new identity (via the dark web, by his new ‘friend’), although he had randomly mentioned it over the last six months, he never seemed serious. I thought he was blowing off steam, or just fantasizing about life after he’s done with the court system. The last week or so we were together he would go dark a few days then would text me. This never happened before. He never went more than a few hours between texts even if it was a short thinking of you kind of text. He went dark again for days and then finally texted me back after a few not so nice texts from me. This was his response:

-I miss you so much, I can’t even begin to describe how horrible I feel about keeping you in the dark. I love you, I want you, and I really need you. Pretty soon no one’s going to be hearing from me again. I’ve been wanting to text you this whole time and I just haven’t had the courage to tell you. I’m going to be a new person soon and this time I’ll have my ___ together. You’re the only person that knows about this. Not my dad, friends, siblings. Just you. I’ll be texting you from a new number. A different name. I have a lot of making up to do.

I told him I sent him an audio recording, I was too tired to text that night. This was his response:
- I’m going to listen to it when it’s 100% quiet and I’m alone. I’m about to get another at Walmart soon. I’m not avoiding because I truly truly need to hear from you.

I accused him of not listening because someone was with him (I do believe this was true). These were his final texts to me:
-I love you. More than you know. No I don’t. I have zero involvement with anyone else. If you can believe one thing I say then believe that. My life has been falling apart, and I really hope this fixes it.
-There isn’t anyone else. I’ll talk to you in bit. I love you.
-I’m getting everything ready. I’ve rarely even had my phone with me.

That was it. I haven’t heard from him since. His ex roommate has, so have others, so much for not telling anyone about his “plan”...

He was/is (I’m not sure) staying with a young woman he’s known since coming to Dallas who he has mentioned to me before. Last mention was that her boyfriend had beaten her and she was asking for his help. I found out recently that he had been bombarding several women with texts, or on social media (he has now deleted all social media) asking things like if he could snort coke off their asses. I am still trying to erase that one from my memory

[Thismamagotgoals]

 I have made a mess of this thread! And then I accidentally deleted it from my notes! I think everyone probably gets the jest of what I’m saying from my last two posts.  It’s been 19 days and I have heard nothing from him. I’m scared he’s going to overdose and end up in the hospital or worse. This is not how our relationship ever was, he was never rude or mean to me, never even raised his voice to me one time. We never considered breaking off our relationship even for a day. His words were telling me he loves me and was not intentionally breaking up with me, but his actions are telling me something different. He has not contacted me at all. Part of me thinks maybe he is trying to protect me, But I honestly do not know what to think at this point! I am hurt and confused and worried.  I am pretty sure the most important details were included in what I accidentally deleted, so if any clarification is needed please just ask! I realize none of us are psychics and none of us can get into his head but I’m hoping that someone could give me some insight into what the possibilities are and any suggestions as to how to handle this.  One thing I read says make him jealous! The next will say smother him with love! And then the next no contact! I just don’t know what to do.

[once removed]

wow. it sounds like his life has really gone off the rails. people with BPD traits really struggle to cope with life stresses, and it sounds like everything came to a head for him.

how are you holding up? have you contacted him since?

how did you find out he was contacting other women?

[Thismamagotgoals]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I should have done this sooner, but I only found this site today. It’s anaxjng how I feel a little better already just unbottling all of these thoughts. His life has gone totally out of control. I found out a similar situation happened with his ex wife (they were together 3-4 months total). He up and left, did the same thing with sleeping with other women and going on a drug binge then came back and accused her of cheating because she slept with a man after the filed for divorce. With her there was no discussion about a “new identity” lucky her

[Thismamagotgoals]

I had seen texts pop up over the past 6 weeks or so on his phone from different women.  After he left, one of my well intentioned, but boundary ignoring friends messaged a few girls from his Instagram and found out he was with the girl he’s staying with now and the two who responded had the same story-he had been blowing up their phones with texts about drugs and sex recently. When drugs weren’t involved, I honestly do not believe there was “physical” contact but after drugs entered the picture I think that changed. I went to pick up some things I had left at his house from his roommate. He had left just a few of his things behind, mostly laundry. I brought it home with me and was going to wash it and put it away until he came back. There were panties in there that were not mine. So that answered that question for me really fast.

My friend who messaged the girls from Instagram had messsged my ex after told her what was going on and he told her he was not leaving me, our relationship is not over. He said he had told me before (this never happened) that if he disappeared that I knew to be patient, he would be back. That’s the part that really stumps me. If he’s “painted me black” or discareddd me, why go to the trouble of saying those things to her, or even responding to me the last time he did.

Initially I emailed him several times. Each time feeling differently about the situation. One would be I can’t bekieve you did this! The next I still love you and let’s work this out together. The last email I sent was two days ago. I told him I’m not giving up on him. I have no intentions of dating anyone else at this point and I’ll alwags be here if he needs me. I have no idea if he reads them, most likely not.

To be honest I’m not doing very well. This all came as such a surprise to me and the circumstances around it are almost unbelievable. I’m better than I was last week and I know next week I’ll be better than I am today. I haven’t mentioned this because I’m not sure if it’s even relevant but he and I have a significant age gap. He is 27, I am 43 it’s never been an issue for us, if anything he and I  thought it was a positive. I feel like me being older gives me a little more patience and ability to see things from a broader perspective and I truly believe I had a positive influence on him, but I couldn’t be there 24/7. Of course right now I do not feel like a grown 43 year old woman. I feel like a teen whose going through her first heartbreak and that is hard to admit.

[once removed]

That’s the part that really stumps me. If he’s “painted me black” or discareddd me, why go to the trouble of saying those things to her, or even responding to me the last time he did.

it doesnt sound like hes painted you black or discarded you. often times, those are internet buzz words that can confuse more than help.

there are a number of reasons why a person doing what hes doing would do it, and a range of them. it could be that hes ashamed of himself and cant face you. it could be that hes emotionally unavailable, and completely checked out from life. it could be a dissociative episode. it could be that hes waiting to see where his situation goes, and doesnt want to cut things off with you in case it goes south. he acknowledges hes "left you in the dark", so whatever it is, its not something hes unaware of.

you know him best. what are your thoughts?

[Thismamagotgoals]

You know, I never looked at it like that. When I read this little bells started going off in my mind, telling me yes! This makes sense! I believe it may be a combination of the things you described. He’s made comments in the past about not wanting to upset or worry me (usually as an excuse for lying to me about something). It would make total sense for him to feel ashamed of himself especially given the fact that he probably knows I know what he’s doing. Coupled with the other two reasons you suggested, it’s no wonder I haven’t heard from him.

I agree about the “buzz words”. During our relationship BPD wasn’t a constant topic of conversation. We really never argued so I guess I didn’t think there was reason to blame his behavior on it. But when he left and I googled it, that’s all I read. The reason he left could only be because I was discarded after being painted black. I never saw an alternate explanation. Especially not any as sensible and plausible as what you’ve described. In all honesty, I’m not sure I would want to continue our relationship even if he did come back after everything I’ve gone through. Even so, I still worry about his safety and well being, and I still love him and will continue to try and support him in the future if he needs it. With my moods swings lately who knows what I would do, honestly!

I guess I should just give it time to work itself out. In your opinion do you think this is a situation where I should continue to reach out every few days or so, to show interest and that I’m not abandoning him or just leave it alone, putting the ball in his court?

You have no idea how much this site has helped me. I feel like I can think clearly again for the first time in almost three weeks. Thank you❤️❤️❤️

[once removed]

I guess I should just give it time to work itself out. In your opinion do you think this is a situation where I should continue to reach out every few days or so, to show interest and that I’m not abandoning him or just leave it alone, putting the ball in his court?

i think its a personal decision, really. if i were to reach out, i would keep it very light.

its been a few days, how are you doing? any update?