Two BPD waves hitting me simultaneously

[snowglobe]

I’m between two used places. Two weeks ago my BPD/hysterionic mother decided that she doesn’t have respect she commands, for the simple fact that every time she starts to yell, criticize, insult or yell at me, I leave the room saying that I won’t speak with disrespect between us. She kept on coming and going, every time trying to bait me by ready victimization mode:” what did I do to deserve you to treat me this way?”. I managed to steer clear from the triangle drama, assuring her that she is still loved and needed, but things can’t be the same way. This departure/abandonment activated my BPD husband. He held on pretty much uneventfully, until today. He is health, fitness and weight obsessed. So every trip to the grocery store is a very stressful experience for me. He is limiting me from things I can or can not buy, lectures me on the components and doesn’t believe in 5 group food pyramid. To him it’s a conspiracy and the only way to go is no carb high fat diet, no fruits allowed either. I managed to steer clear from drama thus far. Today he began to lecture me publicly at the grocery store, labelling things I’m allowed to buy, then demanded for me to repeat it back to him. I said I felt uncomfortable as people were looking at me, as he was forcing me to submission. He stormed out of the store, as I followed him to the car, he took off yelling that he didn’t want to see my face. He proceeded to walk over 30 km back home, in the rain, as I was making stops begging him to get in, with s11 in the back. He refused all 5 attempts. He then said that I’m punished for 2 days and if I won’t stop trying the punishment will be more severe. In fact, he said, that he wants to spend less time together.
My mother’s dysregulation seemed to trigger his own, and I’m lost in the midst of it all. It seems that together, they held each other’s crazies in check. Now, with nothing to anchor either of them, all of the dysfunction that was kept at bay is coming with the full force swing. My dad is a classic enabler, begging me to go and seem my mom to return back home on any terms. This would mean for me to go back to the terror and emotional abuse. I just can’t do this anymore. In fact, I felt better with her not being around. Now back to my unpdh. What would you suggest to do? I think the way I initially handled it, will make him think twice before humiliating me in public. On the other hand, he could decide to leave tomorrow. After all, in BPD logic, if one person allows themselves to do that, why can’t he?
Help and advice is appreciated

[Cat Familiar]

Both your mother and your husband are disrespecting you. If you don't want to be disrespected, then you have to allow them to be upset with you and to distance yourself emotionally from their behavior.

If you don't care what they think, that eliminates their hold upon you. I know this is easier said than done. But you've probably spent you entire life trying to appease one or the other of them.

When you stop appeasing, they will realize that their behavior no longer works.

For example, if you husband shames you in public and then decides to walk home, only ask once if he wants a ride. Then drive home and let him walk home as he said he would.

[snowglobe]

Both your mother and your husband are disrespecting you. If you don't want to be disrespected, then you have to allow them to be upset with you and to distance yourself emotionally from their behavior.

If you don't care what they think, that eliminates their hold upon you. I know this is easier said than done. But you've probably spent you entire life trying to appease one or the other of them.

When you stop appeasing, they will realize that their behavior no longer works.

For example, if you husband shames you in public and then decides to walk home, only ask once if he wants a ride. Then drive home and let him walk home as he said he would.

Cat,
Thank you for responding. My inner voice, intuition tells me the same thing. I have been emotionally and physically abused by both of them throughout my life. She was more physical, less emotional as I was growing up, all the way to 17 years old she used her hands, legs to slap, punch, hit me, sometimes she used objects. She didn’t do it as a way of punishing, as her bit tings didn’t stop until she felt tired. Then, she demanded for me to apologize and make her feel better. As I got married, uBPDh protected me from physical abuse coming from her, but she took her pound of flesh through verbal abuse. With my uBPDh it’s equal parts of physical and emotional abuse. I am barely functioning with one person’s dysregulation, I can’t take this coming from both of them. It hurts greatly to hear from my mother that people who like me, such as friends, don’t know who I really am on the inside. She says that she knows me longest and best, and that I’m a vile and disgusting person really. I understand that she is ill, but I don’t want to give her a permission to hurt me like that. She also tried to blackmail me by saying that she “knows the levers of how to make me keep her in my life”. It’s so bazaar, being blackmailed by my own parent. I’m starting to doubt my entire reality. I grew up hating my bio dad, as she was telling me things, some of them came with extrernal validity. Now, I begin to doubt, and suspect parental alienation she so carefully weaved. I told her explicitly, that I love her, need her and want her in my life, but on the terms of mutual relationships

[Cat Familiar]

You can choose to stop taking abuse from both of these people. Yes, it will mean breaking a life-long pattern. But if you don't change, you can expect their unkind behavior toward you will continue.

You may love your mother because she is your mother. But do you really love how she behaves toward you?

[snowglobe]

You can choose to stop taking abuse from both of these people. Yes, it will mean breaking a life-long pattern. But if you don't change, you can expect their unkind behavior toward you will continue.

You may love your mother because she is your mother. But do you really love how she behaves toward you?

She isn’t kind or loving, she is negotiating her advantage being in my life. As soon as my uBPDh stopped paying her a monthly salary for staying with our children, she turned back to her old ways

[Cat Familiar]

What keeps you from saying, “Mother, that is unacceptable what you said to me. I deserve to be treated with respect.”

[snowglobe]

What keeps you from saying, “Mother, that is unacceptable what you said to me. I deserve to be treated with respect.”

I said it in a different version such as “I love you and want you to live with us, I won’t rehash the past, but if we come to live together, it will have to be without the insults, criticism or name calling”. She said that “you are just like your bio dad”, refused to continue the conversation and stormed out.

[Cat Familiar]

How did you feel about her response?

[snowglobe]

How did you feel about her response?

Strangely enough, it didn’t penetrate my shell. I went to see my mom with my dad last night, to speak to her. I told her that I wasn’t ignoring her, but I would not tolerate any abusive behaviour coming my way, that also encompasses my husband. She seemed to be happy and relieved that I came and spoken to her. She came back with my dad later that evening. I’m still processing her decision, as I’m unsure if it’s a correct one for me

[Cat Familiar]

Strangely enough, it didn’t penetrate my shell.

Perhaps this is a sign that you're getting more emotionally self-sufficient.

I went to see my mom with my dad last night, to speak to her. I told her that I wasn’t ignoring her, but I would not tolerate any abusive behaviour coming my way, that also encompasses my husband.

Awesome    It feels good to stand up for yourself, doesn't it?

I’m still processing her decision, as I’m unsure if it’s a correct one for me

Do you mean that you're not sure if you want her to live with you?

[snowglobe]

Perhaps this is a sign that you're getting more emotionally self-sufficient.

Awesome    It feels good to stand up for yourself, doesn't it?

Do you mean that you're not sure if you want her to live with you?

Yes, Cat,
I’m not sure if I want her to live with me. In fact, being apart for a month and a half over Christmas holidays, then these two weeks lead me to see just how resilient and self sufficient I am. I was ashamed to admit to myself that I did not miss her even slightly. In fact, I felt liberated and relieved. I’m also suspecting that it can be the same with my uBPDh. I don’t choose my circumstances, but when they are presented I deal with it sufficiently. After all, stress, is just a demand. Sometimes it exceeds my abilities, but mostly, I do fine.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m not sure if I want her to live with me. In fact, being apart for a month and a half over Christmas holidays, then these two weeks lead me to see just how resilient and self sufficient I am. I was ashamed to admit to myself that I did not miss her even slightly. In fact, I felt liberated and relieved.

If you were to decide that you didn't want the stress of having her in the same house with you, could you tell her?

[snowglobe]

If you were to decide that you didn't want the stress of having her in the same house with you, could you tell her?

It would not sit well culturally, she would unleash fog on me and likely begin smuther campaign

[GaGrl]

Are you and your husband already committed and planning for your mother and father moving in to your existing house? I'm confused.

[snowglobe]

Are you and your husband already committed and planning for your mother and father moving in to your existing house? I'm confused.

We aren’t planning or committed to getting my mother out, she only returned last Friday. If she chose to move out, that would be an ideal scenario for me, but nope, it seems highly unlikely. The time and space when she wasn’t in my face made me realize the extent of her dysregulation and make me intolerable to even slightest misdemeanour on her part

[Cat Familiar]

So you feel like you're prevented from telling her to leave because it would violate a cultural taboo and that she would unleash the hounds of hell upon you? How would that be worse than living with her on a day-to-day basis?