I just recently discovered that my husband of 2years is a Borderline

[Senora]

Hello -

 I just recently learned that my husband of 2 years has BPD.

This has been both a relief and a frustration. A relief because I was convinced that I was losing my mind - but knowing this also creates a terrible sadness in me because I’m
realizing that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever get what I need emotionally in the relationship.

My husband is inherently a good person, but the BPD gets in the way of SO MUCH. I have learned that I do have to “manage” my expectations and mindfully choose what types of conversations and interactions to have when I’m with him.

But what grieves me even more is that I do feel that the relationship is very one-sided and he gets most of the consideration.   My emotional needs feel secondary and sometimes, depending on his level of reaction, they  are never even considered. I’m not sure how a relationship like this can be sustained for a long period of time.

I want to be committed but am honestly wondering if I’ll wake up in 10 years feeling empty and wondering why I stayed.

I do love this man and know a good bit about BPD  so my understanding of this issue helps to sustain me - I no longer take his emotional outbursts personally or wonder what in the world I did to cause such a strong response. But it can definitely be exhausting at times.

Again, I wonder if he will ever be able to care for my emotional needs in this marriage or will it always be me doing the heavy lifting.

I can connect with him emotionally, but it’s limited and I miss being able to have a deeper connection. And on many days the  thought of living like this for years feels somewhat daunting and even discouraging. Not every day is difficult but the majority are.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi Senora and welcome to the board though I am sorry for what brings you here.  You have found a place where we can relate to a lot of your concerns and experiences so you are in good company. 

Being in a relationship with a disordered person is very challenging and often our emotional needs are not met.  Some people are able to find that outside of the r/s through friends but it is reality that the non often has to do the heavy lifting in the relationship.   

What led to your discovering BPD?  Is he in treatment or even aware of his behaviors?

I do want to share that we have seen some relationships turn around for the better.  It takes time and work, usually from both people.  We can help you as you try to navigate your way through your relationship and decide how you want to proceed.  Please do keep reading and join in and post.  Having an outside support network is important and you can get a lot out of a message board.

Hope to hear more from you soon.

[Radcliff]

Let me join Harri in welcoming you.  I am so sorry for the grief and pain you feel about realizing the potential limitations of the relationship.  You worry that you'll go through 10 years and look back with regrets.  The best way to avoid that is to not do the same thing for 10 years and hope for different results, and to never lose touch of your identity and needs.  You'll be able to improve things using coping tools, and you'll be able to grieve and accept other things.  Whether that gets you to where you need to be in the relationship depends on many things.  Give it some time to become a regular here, get support, and start mastering the coping tools.  We'll walk with you.

You mentioned the BPD diagnosis helping you to not take things personally.  That helped me a great deal, too.  After the learning you've done, have you made any other changes in the way you're approaching things that have helped things go better?

RC