He finally bear bated me into losing my temper then walks out. I cannot take it

[Leah66]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334297.0

I too am married to a BPD. We have only been married a year and a bit. Things go well for a while and then out of the blue my husband starts accusing me of being selfish and nasty. I know I am not perfect but he over reacts to everything I do. I Can't find a way to resolve things and he finally bear bated me into losing my temper then walks out.
I cannot take it when he is like this.
Thank you

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[Ozzie101]

I too am married to a BPD. We have only been married a year and a bit. Things go well for a while and then out of the blue my husband starts accusing me of being selfish and nasty. I know I am not perfect but he over reacts to everything I do. I Can't find a way to resolve things and he finally bear bated me into losing my temper then walks out.
I cannot take it when he is like this.
Thank you

Can you describe a little more how these exchanges go? Can you give an example? We may be able to help you find ways to make these exchanges less difficult.

[Leah66]

Thanks for your reply. We were on a mini vacation. My spouse asked me what I would like to do? I said that perhaps we could take the water taxi and he could go to a store he likes and we could meet up after I do a little shopping.  At first he seemed to like the idea then changed his mind. I asked what he wanted to do, then he turned sarcastic and mocked me by saying "what would you like"? I said let's get breakfast and we can talk about it then. He changed his mind about 3 times and said he didn't want to talk to me because I was not nice and bitching at him. (Totally not true)  and finally we went to eat at the hotel. He then said we can take the water taxi and we actually had a nice time.
It did not end there, he kept arguing about where to go for dinner. I said why don't you pick a place. He did finally but it was overpriced and the food not great. I did not complain as I wanted to enjoy the evening.
The next day we were going home, he did not say one word to me except to belittle me about the bag we put in the car.
When we got home he did not talk to me but played backgammon on the computer.
I decided to listen to the radio in the other room. He turned it off when he wanted to watch TV, without asking me. When I complained he got mad and blamed me as he was putting on a show I liked.
By then I lost my patience and got mad. I am sorry for that but I am human and tired of his head games.

[Ozzie101]

It's very easy to lose our tempers when our buttons are being pushed like that.

What happened when you got angry? How did he respond?

[Leah66]

He left the house and went outside for a walk. He came back and was quiet barely talking to me. I was ok with this  because I had enough.
The next day we were to go to lunch with friends. I asked him if he was ready to go. He snapped at me and said are you ready to go. We went and I enjoyed the lunch but I noticed he was quiet.
When we got home he lightened up and was more like his old self. This is better but I know it will happen again.

[Ozzie101]

That's a frustrating and unhealthy communication pattern, to be sure.

Just out of curiosity, have you read either of these articles on communication?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

When you're dealing with a pwBPD, arguments and conversations are very different than you'd find in a normal relationship. I know with my H, when he's gotten worked up about something, it usually turned out he was actually worked up about something else -- or feeling guilty for something. For instance, lashing out at me for being the "drink police" when I chose not to drink. In reality, he felt bad about having a couple of glasses of wine and decided to attack me for being a stuffy, judgmental person for not going along with him.

Sometimes it's a lot easier to navigate these conflicts if we can understand more what they're about. If you "replay" your confrontations with your partner, does anything stand out that might be a clue?