Complex situation with my cluster B "ex"

[Mr.E]

Hello.

I could easily write an entire book on the traumatic, painful experiences I've been going through over the last 2 years.  I am normally resistant to posting about my personal problems, but lately, the level of emotional pain has become overwhelming...  I honestly don't even know where to start...  I'm sort of a magnet for girls with cluster B disorders, and have been trying to figure out why that is, but I'd rather not begin my personal therapy here by discussing that...  If it's ok with whoever has been designated to read and respond to this, I'd much prefer to let out some of this pain inside me first...  I just don't know how to go about that.   I know that part of what makes it so difficult for me is the fact that I can't seem to allow myself to be angry.  Occasionally it happens but it never lasts long...  The underlying, crippling, sadness that anger serves to mask is pervasive and relentless in it's expression within me.  I find it difficult to do this sort of posting primarily because blame seems to me to be a hollow, useless, illusion...  This isn't to negate the act of taking responsibility, of course, but nonetheless, it has been many years since I have been capable of enjoying the comforts of what the act of blaming provides to many people.  I love her (I'll refer to her as "M") so deeply, that moments after I find myself blaming her for the emotional pain she obviously puts me through, the act of blaming her is like a dagger into my own heart...  It hurts me to hurt her, even if it is just the casting of blame.  I see too clearly her own struggles and painful inhibitions caused by circumstances beyond her control.  I'm going to leave it at that for now cuz I have to go get on with my day...  Thanks for your time, to whoever decides to read this!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  You are in the right place to talk about your pain and to work on yourself (when you are ready that is).  It is great that you are reaching out. 
 

moments after I find myself blaming her for the emotional pain she obviously puts me through, the act of blaming her is like a dagger into my own heart...  It hurts me to hurt her, even if it is just the casting of blame.  I see too clearly her own struggles and painful inhibitions caused by circumstances beyond her control.

I understand this and share it about my primary BPD.  I think you will find a lot of us here also share similar feelings. 

When you are ready post more as you see fit.  You said you don't know where to start and that is okay.  A brief history sometimes helps but you get to choose.

I hope we hear more from you soon.

Again,

[Radcliff]

Let me join Harri in welcoming you.  We're here to listen.  What is the most painful aspect of your day-to-day relationship with her?

RC