BPD ex and I met yesterday to exchange things - Feel worse than I did before

[tinker0608]

I've been lurking here for a while. I'm not a therapist, but I've been seeing one for a month or so, and he believes my ex is BPD.

Here's my story. It's long, so please bear with me, but I need to get this stuff off my chest. It rings very much the same as most folks here. We met on tinder, had a very nice (I'd consider it "normal") first date. No sex, not even a first kiss.

But the next date we decided to go to a rave. I've been raving and going to concerts for years. She really hadn't been to too many shows before so she wanted to experience it. Well, at the end of the show and after some illegal substances (and amazing sex), she flat out told me she was in love with me and wanted to "elope". Obviously red sirens should have been going off in my mind, but I brushed it off thinking it was the drugs talking. Well fast forward a few months later and we're going to shows CONSTANTLY. I couldn't believe I'd found someone that liked concerts as much as me. Now I realize this was probably mirroring. During this time, marriage was brought up again, kids were brought up w/in 2 months, and yet again, I brushed it off. This woman was so extremely affectionate to me, I couldn't believe it. I've never felt "love" like that before.

She was constantly telling me how amazing I am, how I am her "rock" and the best boyfriend she had ever had. Sex of course was amazing and practically effortless. She made me feel like I was a God. Hell, she used to call me her Greek God. I could do no wrong. Now I realize, this was obviously love bombing

We ended up going to a music festival together June of last year and it was the most romantic time of my life. And I'm no stranger to dating other women. Nothing came close to what I felt I had before with other women to what I had with her. That trip was literally magical. We'd watch music all night and then lay in our tents gazing at each other like we were the only people in the world. We pre-ordered tickets together in November for that same festival, and that's when things started to go down hill. All of a sudden she started worrying about our sex life. Sex all of a sudden went way down hill. What used to be multiple times when we were together dwindled to a few times a month. She gets depressed during the winter months so I chalked up our lack of sex to her being depressed. I didn't want to pressure her, so I backed off. Waiting and hoping once spring came back around, she'd be more upbeat and things would go back to the way they were.

At one point she mentioned opening up the relationship, which obviously threw me way off. I got so upset when she mentioned it, I left her house. I didn't know how to deal with it. It was at this point when I realized she was getting bored with our sex life (mind you, this is only 9 months in) and now I can see that moment was the definite downhill in our relationship. She started to get angry/upset with me if I couldn't drive to her house during the week because my work is an hour and a half a way from her home. She then lost her job, and obviously then wanted me to spend all of my free time with her. When she was working, at least then I did get time with friends and family, but when she lost her job, all my time and energy was devoted to her.

Fast forward to February of this year. She asked me to go somewhere with her (pretty randomly, it was not a planned event), and I was tired and drained and didn't want to go. So what does she do instead? She ends up driving over 2 hours to sleep with an ex boyfriend. She knew my dealbreaker was cheating, and she later told me about a week later that she didn't go where she initially said she had gone. She felt horrible and wanted to start over. I told her I couldn't do it.

I went grey rock because she owes me money, which I'll give her credit she has been paying down her debt. I try to keep contact limited. I don't reach out to her. However, early on I did allow her to call me from time to time. I ended that when I discovered she was on tinder 2 weeks after she cheated and had already been seeing another man. Last week she asked if we could meet so that she could return some of the things I had left at her house, I had some of her stuff too. I agreed to get a cup of coffee with her.

During our coffee date, she mentions she's still seeing the same guy (who is in school and not working at the moment - but she got another job). AND SHE'S TAKING HIM TO THE SAME FESTIVAL WE WENT TO LAST YEAR. Over $1000 she spent on this guy to take him where I took her last year. Once I heard that, I was crushed. It's almost like the trip we shared last year meant literally nothing. I thought I'd be strong enough to handle a cup of coffee with her, but she's over the moon with this new guy, and here I am struggling again. I hate this feeling. I feel helpless. And now here I am, ruminating over what we shared for 11 months like an idiot, while she's living in bliss. It freaking blows. I thought I was doing well, and now I'm back to square one. Dammit.

TLDR; Fell crazy in love for a potential BPD, had the best vacation of my life with her last year, inevitable fallout, decided to meet up to exchange items we left at our houses (after being broken up for 2 and a half months), found out she's taking new guy where we went last year, Feeling absolutely crushed.

[Sandb2015]

tinker0608,

I'm sorry you experienced this and I'm happy for you that you ended up here.

Your lurking and posting will help.

It seems like you have healthy intentions when you met, but the potential pain we may face could set you back a bit which it did.

Let's speak the truth...she is not in bliss, it's just that you think she is, that everything is cool and it's you somehow.  That's not the case and it is a fact.

You had it all with her and now someone else has it all. I think we imagine that because we end up feeling "less than" and or we contributed greatly to their behavior, we really didn't and little under the circumstances would have give longevity to this rs.

If you had it all and it was perfect, you wouldn't be here.

She may contact you later still again.  How will you proceed?

[tinker0608]

Honestly, if she asked me to go over to her place right now, and be with her, I probably would. Even though I know that is an absolutely horrible idea.

I didn't feel that way a month ago. While me and her spoke on the phone several times after the breakup, she was honest with me that when the sex went downhill, she started contacting her ex more and more. Honestly, throughout the r/s she did mention to me sex with her ex was the best she ever had. She even cried several times to me saying that she didn't want to feel that way for him anymore. She would bring it up every other month or so. I would reassure her that I was there for her and understand how sometimes we still have feelings about our ex's, but to try to move on and appreciate what we have. She told me what she had with me was miles better than what she had with him because I was way more affectionate, loving, honest, there for her at practically all times.

I think part of her losing interest sexually in me is also because I was upset at the way she lost her job. She's a nurse, and she hated working nights. Constantly complained how she was burnt out. Wanted to switch to days. But she hated the nurse supervisor working day shift, so started to look for other hospitals. She also was (now is) going back to school for something completely different so she needed a day schedule (according to her).

She found a wonderful opportunity that paid much more than her previous job, she accepted that job, and then immediately quit her previous job. New job calls her up and says It's a standard Mon-Fri position, it isn't flexible (so it won't work with her school schedule). So I tell her to take the job and go back to school the next semester and take night classes. Or ask her previous employer to take her back and ask to work days shift. She called her parents and they told her to do the same thing. She refused, and was then out of a job (this was for 2 community classes and mind you, she is 29). It was this act of irresponsibility that made me pause and realize maybe this woman isn't someone that I can trust and settle down with.

Once I backed off a bit, even though we communicated and saw each other every weekend, things started to get depressing. It's like she felt she knew I was backing off. And that caused her to get more upset with me. She definitely wasn't the acting out type though. More silent treatment/passive aggressive behavior. I realized I also couldn't continue to pay for everything, so the relationship got boring. I'm trying to save up for a house myself. It all came to a halt when she was starting to act very weird the week before she cheated on me. I can't even describe it in words, but I got that pit in my stomach feeling that something was so off. It drove me into a depression. I got upset she bailed on coming to my place on a Saturday night when we had plans, and then she asked me randomly to drive somewhere with her the next day and I was overwhelmed and not feeling up to it. Little did I know she was going to cheat of course. The impulsivity blows my mind.

And of course 2 weeks after we break up, she's literally doing the same thing with another man. I realize her behavior is not normal. But I am really struggling as to feeling worthless and alone right now.

[once removed]

ouch...

that sounds like quite a whirlwind romance, that ended really painfully, and then with some salt rubbed in the wound.

how are you holding up? was the coffee get together the last time you spoke to her?

[zachira]

It does make sense that you are feeling worse than you did before when you met to exchange things. Oftentimes, we stay in a relationship because ending it will mean facing all our painful feelings about the relationship and ourselves. I have had a few relationships that ended badly, and I was always surprised how I felt worse after the relationship than when I was in it. I believe this is because we have to protect ourselves from being overwhelmed while in the relationship and are not safe to feel our most overwhelming feelings until the relationship is over.

[tinker0608]

I have not spoken to her since the coffee date. Some interesting thoughts post the coffee date had me thinking. This is a woman who generally dresses like a hippie/bum. I'm talking coming to my house and wearing the same tanktop/sweats for the entire weekend unless we were going out. The coffee date was this Monday at 2PM. When I saw her, I was expecting her to wear what she normally wears. But she completely dressed up, put on more makeup than she normally does. She wore heals for goodness sakes. She generally would not dress this way unless we would go out to a fancy dinner. In talking with friends they believe she probably dressed up to make me jealous. I'm not going to lie, she looked as good as I've ever seen her, which obviously made me felt worse when we left not just because of her talking about her new bf, but because of how attracted to her I felt for her at that moment.  

I do feel like she'll eventually reach out to me again. Generally she texts me once every other week or so to see "how I'm doing". But also because she owes me money. I keep the conversation as light and succinct as possible. Again, if she didn't owe me money, I'd most likely be fully NC to save my sanity. Thing that really bothers me is now I have a ticket to that same festival this year and nobody to go with. It was supposed to be our festival. Now I will most likely be selling it since I know if I ended up going alone and seeing her with the new guy, it'll most likely crush me.

[once removed]

Again, if she didn't owe me money, I'd most likely be fully NC to save my sanity.

how much money does she owe?

[tinker0608]

$1600. This was for a bed I bought for us back in January. Of course as soon as I bought the bed and it arrived to her house, that too is also when problems really started to show. We broke up mid February. We never even had sex in that bed. I used to make jokes that she was scared or something to break in the new bed with me. 3 weeks later, after the breakup, there’s a new guy in the bed I paid for. I’ve agreed to allow her to pay me $200 a month until the debt is paid. She has at least kept her promise with that so far.

[once removed]

thats not a small amount of money. how much of it has been paid off so far?

if your preference would be to have no contact with her, have you considered writing it off?

[tinker0608]

She has paid off $500 of it so far. I considered writing it off, but I kinda need the money. Part of me thinks she knows I need it to and that is her way of keeping contact with me too.