No contact for almost 10 months now - healing the self-love deficiency disorder

[sdyakca]

Hello All, Life on the other side (10 months no contact) is much better most of the time. Really starting to reconnect to being alive and feeling good again, a lot more of the time than continually living in the fear, frustration, and hurt of everyday life with my crazy live-in girlfriend (a 10 year relationship). Also, so grateful I never married her. Hallelujah! There are days and times my mind goes back to the thoughts of the good-ole days, you know the days when she was working hard to trick me into a relationship with her before she staring manipulating the sh*t out of me. I miss just having someone near, but I do not miss living inside the vortex of her incessant and never-ending confusion and manipulation. Yes, part of my problem was self-love deficiency disorder (commonly called codependency by many) which created the context for this whole thing to happen. When it finally dawned on me that none of what was going on with me had anything to do with her and everything to do with me, meaning, my part was to continue to stay with someone that was abusive to me continually. In other words, no one was forcing me to stay, I stayed because I was to afraid to go through the painful and uncomfortable process of disconnecting and living in the in-between place for some unknown period of time. I have my moments even shed a tear or two from time to time, its normal, its natural, but I'm not going back. I just wanted to check in and say hello to my fellow sojourners on the path to health. Blessings to you all...

[blueblue12]

Hey Sdyakca, great to hear how things are developing for you. Like you I am out (more then two years now) and feeling alive again! Went through some tough times, reminiscing about past times, but now it seems way more clear and I certainly don’t miss the terrible last year endured during her discardment of me. Now I tend to think why did I put up with such terrible treatment? The problem is that at the time I was completely gaslighted and truly believe everything was my fault. Terrible. Keep going, regain more and more of your strength as you keep away and healthy.

[sdyakca]

Hi Raul, Congratulations on your progress and the two years away - that is fantastic! I need to hear from others that are taking care of themselves and saying NO to the craziness.

Thanks also for the encouragement and comments. This website and message board have been an invaluable part of my healing to move forward. The reality is I am getting stronger and better everyday, regardless of what my feelings try to convey internally at times. I just keep doing what I know is right for me and trust the uncomfortable feelings I have from time to time will continue to subside.  

[confused4now]

 , I just had to jump in and say Thank You for your post!. I have 5 months N/C tomorrow. I was with my ex for 7 years, got married thinking that would ensure staying together... DIDN'T work! For the last 18 months we have gotten divorced and tried a few times to reconcile. I had such a hard time letting go completely. I have quit beating myself up about volunteering my emotional stability. The last few weeks, I  can feel such a change in my soul. My heart is catching up to my head, when I think of him I actually truly hope I never have to " deal" with him again. It's been such a relief to finally have emotions that I don't automatically attach to him and the ending of my fantasy. I am no longer putting my life on hold until he returns, not waiting for an apology, and realize closure has happened  ... I am a little worried that these feelings won't last and my brain will try and rewrite the script, but that seems insane... I am glad we are surviving and thanks for words of encouragement 

[blueblue12]

Hey confused4now, I did the same thing together for 10 years, I also got married, she wanted to, thinking that it would ensure a smooth future, no such luck, at the end nothing really mattered and she was easily able to sabotage everything and discard me terribly. She also push to re engaged me after a few month hiatus after the terrible treatment, I went along for a very short time and then decided that was it, just keep away. Hard to do when one is in the fog and so used to it all. Now it all seems ridiculous. I do think about her, but no longer about any future possibilities, i can’t do that to myself any longer, I can see clearly now, I couldn’t when I was in it. Good wishes to you.

[sdyakca]

Hi confused4now,
Thank you for sharing your story and success. At 5 months out I was still grappling with the euphoric recall of those rare times (moments or seconds in the previous few years) where she seemed to be normal, but the fact was she wasn't normal, and those moments would never last, ever. They were always followed by drama, chaos, heartache, fear, frustration, and feeling hurt, taken advantage of, and manipulated - all of which was going on, because that is who she is. I finally had to come to terms with me, and why I was continuing to allow someone to mistreat me so badly. One day I said enough. Still have flashing, fleeting automatic thoughts hit my brain, but I don't every want to subject myself to that horror show again (its someone else's turn). What a nightmare! Whatever it takes to break free and stay away, heal, grow, and keep moving forward, learning to love myself more and more as each day passes. Is it easy, no, but it is far easier than being force-fed a load of sh*t everyday from a crazy person  . Blessings to you...