Reflecting back over the past year...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It was 13 months ago that my h moved out during his mental health crisis; his friend and dad were pushing him to divorce me. He met with a L and found out that it would cost a lot of money and it wasn't going to be a quick thing. He also decided that wasn't really what he wanted to do -- when he calmed down a bit, he said his friend and dad were controlling (uh huh...). Shortly thereafter, he moved into an apartment with another guy whose family is in another country; this guy was dislocated as a result of their church drama. H had about 6 sessions with a therapist and decided that he "felt better" so that stopped. In September, I found out that he had stopped taking his AD. Then, he didn't communicate much with me until around Christmas -- um, he was depressed...  He also quit his jobs between sept and Christmas, found a new one that doesn't pay as much as the combined total. He also started trying to attend my church and was told that wasn't really a good option for safety of my daughter and me, so he stopped church for a while and then started going to the only other option within our denomination. (the pastor there knows what has happened because I was there for a while earlier in the process)

Currently, h is spending close to 3 hours daily exercising, then he has lots of supplements. Most of our conversations recently have included some elements of judging others' food choices, supplements, and exercise.

As far as my life, I'm continuing to look for work and haven't been really successful. I'm also doing some additional training toward full certification. I have been thinking more about going back to grad school for a degree in clinical mental health counseling, and I met with the head of one of the local programs last week. It felt so good to do that and to find out more about their program.

I've been doing some resonant breathing exercises daily, and I'm involved in an online spiritual formation group that is integrating some newer info on neuroscience and psychology. That's been instrumental in helping me feel more like myself. I'm also volunteering for a local hospice - and getting myself more physically healthy (visits to the doctors).

Our d14 has been able to describe one of her events as traumatic and has been having some symptoms that seem like PTSD to me, so we are getting connected to some counseling for her around that. She was able to describe it to the counselor who was concerned about it.

I was talking with H this past week, and he wants to come back...  the main reason being the cost savings for him. He didn't seem to have any understanding that the costs that I have in just food and gas are more than his cost savings.

I have concerns about what seems to be an exercise/ eating disorder and the lack of medication or counseling. That's on top of his history of not providing for us including medical care.

Oh, and today is our 29th anniversary - which has me in a more reflective mood.

[empath]

It was 13 months ago that my h moved out during his mental health crisis; his friend and dad were pushing him to divorce me. He met with a L and found out that it would cost a lot of money and it wasn't going to be a quick thing. He also decided that wasn't really what he wanted to do -- when he calmed down a bit, he said his friend and dad were controlling (uh huh...). Shortly thereafter, he moved into an apartment with another guy whose family is in another country; this guy was dislocated as a result of their church drama. H had about 6 sessions with a therapist and decided that he "felt better" so that stopped. In September, I found out that he had stopped taking his AD. Then, he didn't communicate much with me until around Christmas -- um, he was depressed...  He also quit his jobs between sept and Christmas, found a new one that doesn't pay as much as the combined total. He also started trying to attend my church and was told that wasn't really a good option for safety of my daughter and me, so he stopped church for a while and then started going to the only other option within our denomination. (the pastor there knows what has happened because I was there for a while earlier in the process)

Currently, h is spending close to 3 hours daily exercising, then he has lots of supplements. Most of our conversations recently have included some elements of judging others' food choices, supplements, and exercise.

As far as my life, I'm continuing to look for work and haven't been really successful. I'm also doing some additional training toward full certification. I have been thinking more about going back to grad school for a degree in clinical mental health counseling, and I met with the head of one of the local programs last week. It felt so good to do that and to find out more about their program.

I've been doing some resonant breathing exercises daily, and I'm involved in an online spiritual formation group that is integrating some newer info on neuroscience and psychology. That's been instrumental in helping me feel more like myself. I'm also volunteering for a local hospice - and getting myself more physically healthy (visits to the doctors).

Our d14 has been able to describe one of her events as traumatic and has been having some symptoms that seem like PTSD to me, so we are getting connected to some counseling for her around that. She was able to describe it to the counselor who was concerned about it.

I was talking with H this past week, and he wants to come back...  the main reason being the cost savings for him. He didn't seem to have any understanding that the costs that I have in just food and gas are more than his cost savings.

I have concerns about what seems to be an exercise/ eating disorder and the lack of medication or counseling. That's on top of his history of not providing for us including medical care.

Oh, and today is our 29th anniversary - which has me in a more reflective mood.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you are open to considering him moving in, but with major reservations.

You are exploring options for furthering your career and you've been doing some activities that have helped you feel more centered.

What do you suppose the conversation between you and your husband will be like, should he push for reuniting?

[AskingWhy]

Empath, my uBPD H and I hit the 20 anniversary mark, and looking at these milestone puts one in a reflective mood.  I am so sorry about the separation your husband is pressing for.  This seems to be common for pwBPD to threaten their spouses when they split.   

My H, in a fit of rage, sought out a L and also found out that the split with me after 20 years would cost him plenty. 

If you and your H have been married for almost 30 years, I am sure the cost for your H to divorce you would be indeed expensive. 

With H off "finding himself," you are working on yourself and a career and bettering yourself.  I suspect your H might be having the classic midlife crisis with the interest in the supplements and exercise.  I may be off the mark, but this may be the case.  Your thoughts?  Both BPDs and NPDs have problems facing up to aging. They don't see themselves as older, and thing they are forever 25 years of age with the mind of a toddler.  (My uNPD FIL does not see himself as in his 80s, and thinks like he is 30.  It embarrasses my H.)

pwBPD are prone to addictive behaviours of many kinds: food/eating disorders (food addiction or anorexia), exercise, smoking, alcohol, shopping, gambling, social media, computer use, computer and live fantasy role gaming and other compulsive addictions.

The mindfulness and breathing exercises will work wonders.  Check out the 4-7-8 breath that you can find on the Internet.  It works!

https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-health-benefits-demonstration/

I am also glad you are getting your D in to see a counselor as she is surely seeing issues in her home.  This will head off later problems, but at least she knows you support her now.

As you have an interest in counseling yourself, by marriage to a BPD, you have a crash course in PDs as BPDs exhibit, at one time or another, all of the other PDs.

As for your H's friend and father pushing him to divorce you, BPDs have no identity and fall prey to the opinions of others. In the end, he will have to make the decision to stay or leave, and then live with that decision.  BPDs triangulate and this appears to be the case in his bringing his friend and father into your marital discord.

My H has left me, too, but only for one night.  He did this twice in our marriage.  I knew he was too cheap to get a room at a hotel, and I found out later (he told me) that he slept in his car in his company's parking lot.  H rages, threatens to divorce me, telling me he's getting a L in the morning, slamming the door and disappearing.  At one time, I would weep and try to call him on the phone to talking it over, apologizing for whatever I may have done to anger him.  Of course, the calls went to voicemail.  Now I know H is BPD, and I let him disappear to wherever he wants to go.  I don't call him.  He usually cools off.  If he breaks things (dishes, furniture, etc.), I just leave them there and let him clean up the mess when he returns.  I make sure the pets and grandchildren are safe from the debris. 

You have the power to choose what you want from this R/S and know exactly what is going on.  Now it's what you want.  H has decided to leave.  You have the choice to let him back into your life, or to keep him out of your life.   

[empath]

What do you suppose the conversation between you and your husband will be like, should he push for reuniting?

Cat,
He was mildly pushing the idea of reuniting, so I asked him what the situation was that resulted in our current living arrangements. He described his emotional crisis (and people who were pushing him toward divorce), and he thought it probably wasn't time. Since he is pretty open with a good number of folks about his mental health difficulties, I said those were causing difficulties in our relationship - so our "marital issues" don't really fall into the typical ones that are addressed by marriage counseling or help.

I suspect your H might be having the classic midlife crisis with the interest in the supplements and exercise.  I may be off the mark, but this may be the case.  Your thoughts?  Both BPDs and NPDs have problems facing up to aging. They don't see themselves as older, and thing they are forever 25 years of age with the mind of a toddler.  (My uNPD FIL does not see himself as in his 80s, and thinks like he is 30.  It embarrasses my H.)

pwBPD are prone to addictive behaviours of many kinds: food/eating disorders (food addiction or anorexia), exercise, smoking, alcohol, shopping, gambling, social media, computer use, computer and live fantasy role gaming and other compulsive addictions.

AskingWhy,
I think there are a few things going on. The difficulties with accepting the aging process is part of it; h has struggled with those for years now. He is also trying to manage his emotional well being through exercise, eating, and supplements which creates addictive types of behaviors.

The breathing exercise that I do is really amazing at being able to create a calm experience.

[Cole]

Empath,

Sounds like you are in the same place I was a few months ago.

Before agreeing to him moving back, you need to seriously consider the boundaries you are going to have. What behavior you will accept? Do you think he can live within them?

Convey these boundaries and start enforcing them every time they are violated. Be prepared for him to push the boundaries and test your resolve. And power through his extinction burst without backing down. Not even once! If you do then you will be back to square one. 

 

[empath]

Right now, I don't think it would be good for any of us for him to move back in. We went through a period of time about 10 years ago where he was engaging in extreme exercise and radical dietary changes; it wasn't good for the general environment in our home. He was having difficulty maintaining his work life and family life along with the exercise - and the diet became a source of tension for all of us. The thing is that he "feels better" but that comes with an unhealthy and possibly dangerous exercise and dietary habit.

Prior to his moving out, there were a series of events in his life outside our home that reminded him of his own abusive actions and the consequences of those. That all precipitated his breakdown. Our d14 is trying to work through the consequences of some of his actions in her life, so she needs a place of safety to do that.

When I heard him tell others that he had stopped taking his AD, I thought that there would probably be some changes coming. Since then, he quit a couple of jobs that he liked, stopped attending church for a while then changed churches, and was more withdrawn from our relationship (he had suicidal ideations, too). He was also stalking me and taking things from our home while I was gone.

Honestly, I don't think that he can live within what I will accept, at least not for an extended period of time. He can do it if he wants to manipulate the situation (his words "jumping through hoops"), then once he gets what he wants, he stops. I know that because I've seen it over the years. I've been pretty strong on the boundaries for a few years - part of the reason that h was still facing the consequences of his actions a year ago.

My thought is that he needs to be much healthier before he is able to come back. That's going to take a long time with professional help.

[formflier]

So...what reflections have you had from your reflective mood?

How does he verbalize his decisions to start and stop counseling?  Same thing with medication?

Does he outright ask you to move back in or sort of "wonder aloud" if it would be a good thing..or somehow workable?

Over the course of his life...how much time in therapy has he had?  How may sessions? 

FF

[empath]

Hi FF,

He has had 3 "courses" of counseling over the past 30 years. The first was about 20 years ago after he was telling people that he was depressed and expressed some suicidal ideations. He had weekly sessions for about 6 weeks. He was encouraged to take SJW for his depression.

The second started about 4 years ago now; monthly sessions for 15 months, then about 4 more sessions that were biweekly. That one started after a couple of weeks of increasing physical violence. He also started Wellbutrin around that time after visiting with his PCP and said that he was taking it to keep us all safe. Toward the end of that one, he quit his job that provided his insurance and decided to stop counseling due to lack of funds.

The third was about a year ago after the mental health crisis where he moved out, and he had about 6 weekly sessions. He stopped because he felt better. He stopped the AD sometime this summer because he felt better and because it was increasing his anxiety (one of the side effects of wellbutrin). He mentioned stopping it in Sept to his parents while we were having dinner with them.

He presented the moving back as a way that he could save $ - because in the current job, he is not paid market rate. Also, he doesn't like his current roommate who is prideful and feels entitled. There wasn't any wondering on his part as to how it would impact me and our d14 for him to move back.

My reflections: I feel more like myself lately, more in touch with who I am. Part of that is feeling more freedom to engage with church and with other friends and organizations that I'm passionate about. I'm also getting some medical care that I have needed for a very long time. I feel good about having a safe place at home where my d14 can talk about her life and friends and the way that she feels.