Adult Kids alienating grandkids from me based on uBPDxw fabrications/theories.

[Barnabus]

Anyone had experience with alienation from grandkids by adult children in a divorce situation from BPD woman? Any idea how to maintain a relationship with adult daughters who believe lies and fabrications? Does it get better with time? How much time? Every time I see the grandkids they squeal and run to me and hug me like crazy. It's heartbreaking. After 6 months of being separated I saw my xW from 40 years ago and the kids and xW concocted a story that I had had any affair going on for years which is simply not true. We were separated not because of any "affair", but based on crazy making insanity and many BPD / covert NPD characteristics, after she walked out on me twice and threw me out the last time after many "BPD" cycles. Now the word is that I "left" her and she wants to reconcile (complete BS). Ideas?

[Mutt]

Hi Barnabus,

Anyone had experience with alienation from grandkids by adult children in a divorce situation from BPD woman? Any idea how to maintain a relationship with adult daughters who believe lies and fabrications?

How old are the grand kids? I'm sorry that you're going through this alienation is hard. I'm sorry that I don't have an answer to your question maybe someone that comes along will or do you have a T? Have you asked a T with how to deal with alienation from a grandparent?

Does it get better with time? How much time?

A pwBPD will create drama triangles it sounds like the adult children are rescuing mom. Have you seen this pattern in the past?

[Barnabus]

They haven't really ever had a great relationship with their uBPD mom. They have always called me when anything goes wrong. I have had an extremely close relationship with all 4 kids. The are ages 31-38.

I do not currently have a T. About 3-4 months after we separated I saw a Christian therapist for about 3 months. I have thought seriously about going to a T by myself first and then maybe with my daughters (probably one at a time) if they would go.

I have been able to see them very sporadically, but one daughter, for example, lives in the same town and I have run into them at lunch a few times. It's almost embarrassing the way the kids act when they see me - it's really emotional for me. I was invited to a couple of birthday parties. One was a tennis party and one of my grandsons left the tennis court with all the kids and came over to me and crawled up into my lap and said I love you (name they call me).

When this separation first started, I told my kids that my main concern was them and my grandkids. It still is. I haven't missed the stbxuBPDw for one minute, even though we were married for 39 years at the time of separation.

She has mastered the art of drama triangulation. My sister, who I have always been close to, has struggled throughout the separation and finally a couple of months ago, started shunning me completely. It's been  year and a half since separation, the divorce should have been done almost a year ago undisputed, but the xW has also mastered the art of high conflict, so she has stonewalled every effort to finalize it. I'm hopeful that in the next week or two it may finally be resolved.

I am trying to move on with my life discreetly although the adult women in my life are really trying to punish me and I guess force me into going back. That simply is not going to happen. I've been through these cycles so many times in my life it's sickening. I have always been the peacemaker, many times apologizing for things I didn't even do, just to keep my family together. It's over. I just hope relationships can be restored.

My grandkids literally run to me when they do see me and hug me seriously. I went to church with one of my daughters and when we went to pick up her youngest daughter at the nursery, the daughter literally ran right past her mom and came right to me with a huge hug.

The bright spot has been my son. He (they all) are against divorce and he has made that clear, but he is smart/adult enough to know that this is happening. He has still loved my throughout, and I get to see his kids regularly.

[Mutt]

It sounds like you’re handling this fairly well but I have to agree with you that I think that it’s a good idea to check in with a T.

It’s sad that people can’t see that they’re interfering with the r/s of their kids. The r/s with your grandkids is their r/s with you it’s not their r/s with you and your kids.

It sounds like they’re rescuing mom and I’d continue doing what you’re doing with finalizing the divorce, it’s hard to say when  you’ll be able to see your grand kids I hope that it’s sonner rather than later. Your D’s are trying to interfere with this divorce I gave my doubts that they’re going to change that before the divorced’ gets finalized and you’re stbxuBPDw isn’t going to be able to hold this off forever.

[Barnabus]

Agree 100%. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Mutt]

 You’re welcome   Best of luck to you.

[livednlearned]

Barnabus, how painful. That the grandkids feel such love for you must be so bittersweet.

Do you have any concerns about your sister or daughters having BPD traits?

Do they know that their mom shows signs of BPD?

It's good that you understand drama triangles and aware what's happening though I know it's little consolation when you are the target.

When your daughters talk about you having an affair, how do you respond?

[ForeverDad]

About 3-4 months after we separated I saw a Christian therapist for about 3 months.

A religion-based counselor could have a predictable overall goal of reunification.  Sadly, there are some things that can't be fixed by others.  (I recall the time our son's pediatrician advised my then-spouse to see a counselor, she emphatically replied, "I have the Bible!"  Yes, our marriage could not be salvaged.)

The bright spot has been my son. He (they all) are against divorce and he has made that clear, but he is smart/adult enough to know that this is happening. He has still loved me throughout, and I get to see his kids regularly.

Sometimes there is little you can do to 'fix' things — especially with those refusing to listen  — except by your consistent good example over time.  Your son may well be your valuable ally to help that along in lesser ways, perhaps when the other children are visiting him and his children.

[Barnabus]

Barnabus, how painful. That the grandkids feel such love for you must be so bittersweet.

Do you have any concerns about your sister or daughters having BPD traits?

Do they know that their mom shows signs of BPD?

It's good that you understand drama triangles and aware what's happening though I know it's little consolation when you are the target.

When your daughters talk about you having an affair, how do you respond?

The grandkids’ love is invaluable. It helps keep me alive.

I don’t think any of them really show signs of BPD but one of my daughters has a similar personality to her uBPD mom. The other two seem to have what I refer to as the “mean” gene.

I don’t think they even know what BPD is and I’ve not mentioned it to them.

I hate to call what I’m going an “affair” since it didn’t start until nearly 6 months after we separated. I don’t talk about it now. I was honest with them at the beginning but they took what I told them and formulated their own incorrect theory of this relationship being the cause of all of our marital problems. That is the really frustrating part of all this.

[Barnabus]

ForeverDad, you are right about Christian counselors only solution was to reconcile. What they never understood or believed was that I had prayed for years about this asking Hod to show me how to love this woman and be the husband that I thought scripture called me to be. The only goal is saving the marriage. I was really frustrated when all roads led right back to where I had been so many times - to someone who was completely unwilling and maybe unable to stop the mind games and emotional abuse, gaslighting, blame shifting, unapologetically being self righteous, and judgmentalism.

YouTube this site (recently), and many other articles online have helped me realize I’m not the crazy one. (I hope