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Author Topic: I am afraid of my kids asking questions  (Read 350 times)
Zabava
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« on: March 17, 2019, 10:26:47 PM »

Part one of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334745.0

Its true I am afraid of my kids asking questions I dont to answer.  
« Last Edit: March 19, 2019, 08:04:13 PM by Harri » Logged
Turkish
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2019, 10:37:40 PM »

Its true I am afraid of my kids asking questions I dont to answer. 

How is their relationship with your mother?  How old are they,  and do you perceive that they think something is amiss?
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 05:44:55 PM »

Hi Turkish and Zabava,
Those are good questions Turkish. Do you think that family therapy may be applicable here at some point?
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 07:30:59 PM »

Hi Turkish and Zabava,
Those are good questions Turkish. Do you think that family therapy may be applicable here at some point?
Zen606

I think it depends upon how much the kids see or are affected. I liken grandparents to the "other parent" after a divorce. In other words, engaging in something like grandparent alienation might hurt the kids.  Kids need to be safe though. Some things just shouldn't be acceptable.
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 11:30:32 PM »

Hi Turkish,
Agreed.
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Zabava
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2019, 08:52:15 PM »

I am afraid that my depression has damaged my kids.  My eldest has resisted seeing my mum and sister because she feels upset about how it affects me when I see them.  I feel bad that I let my feelings show. 

And I worry that I am fundamentally flawed.  My mum told me I was crazy stupid and ugly and an ungrateful b...I worry she was right.
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« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2019, 09:04:21 PM »

Can you describe how you are after you see your mom?

I don't think shielding kids from normal emotions is a good thing but I do think it is up to the adults to demonstrate how to cope and manage tough times and emotions.

Tell us more so we can talk about it.   
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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2019, 09:10:40 PM »

I am afraid that my depression has damaged my kids.

In what ways? Have you pinned this down, or are you speculating?
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2019, 09:14:15 PM »

I need to withdraw after I see her.  I feel like I need to be alone and I just retreat to my bed and sleep.  I used to be able to cope and pretend it was all ok but now I feel suicidal after a visit.  I think about how old she is and how old I am and I feel hopeless.
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Zabava
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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2019, 09:19:17 PM »

Also my eldest who is 18 was out of school for a year because of anxiery.  I feel responsible,
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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2019, 09:20:50 PM »

Feeling suicidal is concerning Zabava.  We can support you but do you have real life support of a therapist?  Sorry, I do not recall if you do or not.  If you don't can you try to contact one or talk with your doctor about the way you feel?  Sometimes medications can help and therapy can be a huge benefit as well.

Tell us more about the sleeping.  What else do you do (or not do)?  How long do these episodes last before you feel back to normal?

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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2019, 09:25:55 PM »

Sorry to double post, but let’s leave your mum out of the equation for a moment.

I’ve had the feelings of being fundamentally flawed. Those feelings hurt. You are not forever damaged. Say that to yourself. You aren’t ugly, crazy or stupid. I’m sorry that you were fed things like that. This stuff makes me mad.

Never be ashamed of your feelings. I don’t know what else to say. Stay here with us. You’ll find relief. Welcome. We’re glad that you’re here.
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« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2019, 09:48:18 PM »

I relate with feeling suicidal. Those are serious thoughts. I imagine that things might not be feeling very intense at the moment. You’re basically fed up and tired of the feelings. Am I close?
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« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2019, 09:53:37 PM »

Zabava, talk to us.
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« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2019, 10:03:31 PM »

Hopelessness is a hard place to be. I know, because I’m frequently there. I’m digging out of it, but I know how it feels. Your children need you to stay here. Do you understand that? Talk when you’re ready to.
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« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2019, 11:52:32 PM »


And I worry that I am fundamentally flawed.  My mum told me I was crazy stupid and ugly and an ungrateful b...I worry she was right.

There's a critical thing here: a person can own up to their own flaws,  but differentiating those (over which we have control)  between those which are projected upon us is the juncture between healing and giving up... that is,  accepting that Parent voice inside which isn't our own. 

My mother once told me,  "everyone thinks you're so great.  But I know the real Turkish!" What? That I'm the a-hole you think and say that I am? Thus I began to doubt when people complimented me... were they right,  or was my mother?  The salient question is,  can I own my failures and victories apart from how my mother views them?
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« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2019, 10:40:36 PM »

I think I might be stuck in the remembering phase.  I have been in therapy off and on since I was a teenager but it has always been an intellectal exercise.  I always pushed down feelings and focused on cbt techniques to stay stable.  As Ive gotten older I have less and less ability to stuff my feelings.  I have flashbacks that are very vivid but I dont know how to sort out what was abuse and what was just normal childhood experiences.  Help please.
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« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2019, 11:01:03 PM »

I have trouble with this too.  

What do you think are normal childhood experiences vs, abuse?

When I was in my late 30s, my mother,  out of the blue,  told me,  "I think the only time I may have crossed into abuse was  when you had a seizure." After she was raging on me.

We only know what we know and don't know what we don't know.  It's hard for us PSI kids to apprehend what happened,  but we are safe here to talk it out amongst peers and friends  
« Last Edit: March 25, 2019, 11:41:23 PM by Turkish » Logged

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« Reply #18 on: March 25, 2019, 11:37:39 PM »

Hi.   

Healing on an emotional level is so difficult but so rewarding.  It takes time to get through all the emotions, almost like you have to learn how to feel and how to function with those feelings or at least it was/is that way for me.  It gets better.  It is worth the hard work and it is worth riding through the emotions as they come.

One thing I want to recommend is mindfulness.  We talk about that here a lot in terms of being able to sit with your feelings and observe them non-judgmentally.  It takes practice though and can be quite difficult to do so I like to recommend a centering exercise that uses the principles of mindfulness and helps you learn to stay in the moment so that you can better tolerate more stressful experiences like traumatic or even non-traumatic memories.

You can do this with any activity really.  Washing the dishes is a good one for me.  Start with hearing the water, feeling it run on your hands, the warmth, how it feels hitting your skin, then using the soap.  The smell, the slickness, how the bubbles form etc.  Running your fingers over the plates as you rinse them... focus on each step and each sensation as you do it while trying to clear your mind of other things.  make sure you pay attention to your breathing, keeping it deep and breathing from your abdomen.

Staying centered and focused on the here and now will help you have a safety net when these memories invade.  Often, after processing things on an intellectual level we, like you said, stuff our feelings and then eventually those feelings will come out.  As hard as it is in the moment, try to change your perspective by seeing the memories as a good thing, a sign that you are ready to heal and change things on a deep and lasting level.  Nothing from the past will hurt you now.  The memories may be painful but they are in the past and you are safe.  As for determining if the memories are about abuse or normal childhood experiences, can I suggest focusing on the feelings you have rather than trying to sort out the type of memory it is?  Just to simplify things a bit until you get to a more stable place.

I want to share this resource with you in case I haven't already:  Survivor to Thriver Program.  Step 4 is about remembering the abuse so you might want to click on the link there. 

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Zabava
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« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2019, 09:30:13 PM »

Thanks Harri and Turkish,

I have trouble knowing what was abusive and what wasnt.  She used to to say - I'll beat the living tar out of you"  and I believed her.  She often told my sister and I that having kids ruined her life.  If we angered her she would keep us home from school and scream at us for hours.

When she fought with my dad she would take a bus to another city for a few days.  We would be scared she would never come back.  She would come home like nothing happened talking about her shopping and museum trips.
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« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2019, 09:40:57 PM »

Basically telling you that she wished you never existed is emotional abuse. Can you imagine telling your kids that? 

When my mom told me a couple of times that she sometimes wished she'd never adopted me,  it felt kind of like that. 
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Zabava
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2019, 09:50:58 PM »

She loved us but she hated being stuck at home.  She was very depressed and unhappy. 
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Zabava
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« Reply #22 on: March 27, 2019, 09:55:40 PM »

Turkish  yes you're right, I truly believed I was to blame for her unhappiness. 
I tried so hard to make myself small and invisible. 
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« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2019, 11:05:00 PM »

Have you read The article at the top on emotional incest?

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent
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Zabava
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« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2019, 09:55:41 PM »

I just read the article about emotional incest and it does resonate.  My dad was a very kind man but he was a serious alcoholic.  He loved us but did little to defend my sister and I from my mums rages.  I remember him telling us that she 'felt more deeply' than most people and we should forgive her.

He tried to get well through rehab but my mum undermined him.  She told me it wouldnt be fair to her if he stopped drinking and was happy?

I was 14 and asked her if I could go to Alanon.  She told me I had to tell my Dad first.  I couldn't do it and she proceeded to berate me for not appreciating that my Dad paid the mortgage and how could I shame him by talking to strangers...I still feel angry about this and guilty that I couldn't save my father.
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« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2019, 01:51:23 AM »

Hi Zabava Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I still feel angry about this and guilty that I couldn't save my father.

Looking back at our past can be painful. To help you deal with the guilt, it might help to consider something Pete Walker says who has written extensively about adults who suffered childhood abuse and as a result developed cPTSD: Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty.

You were just a child. You did the best you could with what you knew. Once we know better, we can do better. Yet you were just a child. Saving your father wasn't your responsibility, that's too large of a burden for a child to carry. Your parents were adults and as adults they ultimately were responsible for their behavior and choices.

To help you in your healing process, it can also be helpful to take a look at the survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse:
Survivor to thriver program

The guide helps take us from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Take care

The Board Parrot
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 01:57:49 AM by Kwamina » Logged

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