Where to go from here...

[Lostmom14]

Mom here looking for guidance... Our daughter is almost 17 years old (she doesn't have a physical diagnosis of BPD as she is under 18 but has a diagnosis of 8 other things with traits of BPD and/or Bipolar Disorder). A roller coaster is a complete understatement of the last 17 years with her. It feels so comforting to read that other parents are going through this exact thing. Our struggle has been from the moment she was born.. I've questioned myself, my actions, my bond with her, the love I've given to her for years and still do knowing none of this is my fault. She was my first so you just don't really know what's "normal" behavior for children and you learn as you go. Never in a million years did I think parenting would become this difficult... If I go into detail of all the strange behaviors and challenges we had with her from birth to puberty we would be here all day although I would like to mention after a 5 day mental health hospital stay at the age of 11 she was diagnosed with ADHD & Mild Autism a.k.a Aspergers - the new diagnosis term as Aspergers is no longer a diagnosis. At that time the challenges I thought were already a lot to handle were nothing in comparison to now.. Stealing, compulsive lying, manipulation, blame onto others, aggression (verbal & physical), fears/night terrors, obsessiveness, extreme defiance, not in reality, etc.. all these things multiplied in seriousness when puberty hit. At 12 years old she turned to drugs.. not just marijuana.. meth and anything she could get her hands on. We tried so hard to divert her from entering that path with so much curricular and family activities it was hard just to keep up but keeping her "busy" in a positive way was our hope that she would use her intelligence and abilities in a good way. Thank the lord we have another child (we had another girl when she was 5 years old) because no one would believe us with all her accusations, stories and lies. Our other child is the complete opposite and no they NEVER got along. At 13 she accused her step dad of physical abuse (untrue of course) which brought Children Services into our lives which I'm actually thankful for because over time they were able to identify the real issue (my daughter and her mental health) and now I can receive all the supports the system has to offer... Even though we had the system helping us with respite in home care, programs, therapy, counselling, youth workers, etc.. nothing changed. Her behaviors were so unpredictable, up and down and scary at this point we (my husband, myself and my other daughter) would lock ourselves in our room to sleep.. sounds ridiculous I know but until you are in our shoes, you'll never understand...Also at this time she would bring drug dealers and users in our home and hide them in her room (we literally had a 21 yr old man sleeping in her closet!) We had police over at our house multiple times a week and it was literal Hell! We are both full-time working parents and trying to stay sane.. well I don't even know how we did it then. At 14 the criminal charges started rolling in and by 15 she made her way to the streets in the city resulting in more charges, more accusations of sexual assault (she's tried to charge multiple people for rape).. prostitution, etc. She's been secured probably a good dozen times between the ages of 14 and 16 which would sober her up  and stabilize her for a month or two at a time. Now she's beyond street smart and knows the justice system in and out all all the work arounds to get her way. She's had her IQ and Cognitive recently tested and the results completely baffled me... She's average. I was sure there was a piece missing with her cognitive functions as no matter what that child would never "get" consequence. Also just to note at 15 she had her other diagnosis where they mention "traits" of BPD or bipolar. Where are we now... same place, different story... she's been a missing persons for 3 weeks now (not untypical).. police officers actually found her at a residence in the city and she asked them if they have an order and they didn't so guess what.. she was able to stay at the residence because police are unable to remove her from the home without an order.. and to get an order.. you need evidence.. she's smarter than that now..she knows what will get her confined, she knows her rights and uses them to abuse them.. If you asked her right now why she is where she is and doing what she's doing.. her answer would be it's my parents fault.. and the sad truth is, most people believe her and are so quick to judge

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi there, Lostmom14 and

I'm really glad you found us; you've been through so much with your daughter and it sounds like you could really use the support of other parents who are walking similar journeys. I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with, have dealt with, and wonder if you have any support in "the real world"? Self-care is so very important for us, parents of children with BPD traits.

I also slept with my door locked for much of my daughter's adolescence, so I get it. Many other parents will also relate to what you've shared, you are not alone.

police officers actually found her at a residence in the city and she asked them if they have an order and they didn't so guess what.. she was able to stay at the residence because police are unable to remove her from the home without an order.. and to get an order.. you need evidence.

This sounds very complicated, I've never heard of the police not being able to bring a child home without an order. So what happens next? How do you get the evidence you need?

I hope you will stick around and become part of the family here. We have lots of articles and tools we learn to help us cope, to improve our lives and the lives of our children. It can be overwhelming so take it at your own pace and come back here to ask questions, talk to us, it really helps.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[smallbluething]

Oh Lost Mom! What a terrible series of troubles you've had to endure with your daughter. Welcome - I am so glad you have found this forum as you will find support and understanding here.

My own daughters issues are mild compared to yours but I would say the common factor is that some of the signs were there from a young age, and like you my daughter has a completely normal younger sibling (at least that way we know our parenting isn't a complete fail ).

I'm a relative newbie but I have already learnt a lot being here and taken comfort from others experiencing similar things. I hope you find it helps you too.

[stampingt1]

Welcome Lostmom14,

After reading what you have been through, my life has been a walk in the park. However, at the end of the day what we ALL want is for our children to get better & live "normal" lives.

Please take time for yourself...either by seeing a therapist &/or reading books about BPD. 

 

[FaithHopeLove]

I join the others in welcoming you to the group, Lost One.
You have surely been through the wringer with your daughter. This is not normal parenting. The good news is you are not alone and things can get better. Many of us have experiences similar to yours. My DS24XBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) has also gotten into trouble with illegal drugs and everything that goes with that lifestyle. While I can't change him I can change me in ways that bring me peace and improve our relationship. I am learning how to do that on this site. The first book I read was Shari Manning's Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe it would help you too.