My daughter is not letting me see my grandson

[Valender]

My daughter is preventing me from having contact with my grandson. I have been babysitting  him since he was a baby. (He is 3 now) she is also trying to prevent the child's father from letting me see him. The child's father is trying to facilitate me seeing him, but is also concerned about her fighting with him over it.  She gives no reasonable explanation . I am so glad I am finally learning about what is going on with her. I couldn't figure out why such an inteligent, talented person had difficulty managing her life. And why she would become so angry with me about seemingly minor things.  It has been very painful since she was a teenager. At least I am beginning to understand.  I am constantly worried about my grandson.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and reached out for support.  As you read and post there, you will find that you are not alone.  Several others are in a similar situation.

What does she say is the reason for keeping your grandson away from you?  Even if it is not a reasonable thing it might help us help you if we knew more details.   

In the meantime, I hope you settle in and read and post in other threads to help build your support network.  We all support each other and help figure out ways to cope and communicate better with our kids.  A good place to start reading is here:  HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

[Valender]

So my daughter comes up with  strange reasons for me not to see my grandson. Recently, she saw that her son's cousin had decided to straighten her hair. My daughter said that I was allowing racism in our family because I didn't tell my daughter in law that letting her daughter experiment with her hair was wrong .  She said until I took a stand about the hair she didn't want her son at our house. The cousins love  each other and want to play together.  She  is also  demanding  that I turn over the deed to property that I purchased when she and my grandson s father were together and they were going to pay off the loan. When he left she has not been able to make the monthly Payments.  I  am afraid she wouldn't pay the taxes and lose it. When she was fighting with her sons father, she would try to have me take her son frequently, she would tell me to pick him up from preschool when his father was scheduled to do so.
Again, she criticized me for not "taking a stand" against her ex.

[Only Human]

Hi Valender 

I join Harri in welcoming you to  bpdfamily.

My heart goes out to you, not getting to see your GS. Especially after having enjoyed regular contact for three years. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Valender.

My best advice is to learn all you can about BPD - we have lots of articles here as well as the collective wisdom of other parents who understand what it's like to love a pwBPD (person with BPD). While we can't change our adult children, we can learn to change our responses learn to live our best lives, even through the pain.

Have you had a chance to check out the link Harri posted?

Keep posting, reading, and talking about it - it really helps to know we are not alone.

Again, welcome.

~ OH

[Suzin]

My daughter also does not let me have contact with my grandchildren. She gets anger if I tell her things and then gets angry if I don't. I feel like it is a game of "Tails she wins & Heads I lose"
From what I have read, when BPD people are in the anger stage they are incapable of acknowledging others feelings. She has been angry for 7 months now.

[Valender]

My daughter also tends to stay angry at me for a while too. It is painful on so many levels. My grandson is so bright and sensitive. Now I am worried that he may be vulnerable to developing the same thing. I think his environment can be chaotic at times. Coming to our house was a stable routine that seemed to be good for him. I feel very helpless. It also breaks my heart knowing that there is not much I can do to help my daughter either. I guess I can learn better ways to communicate.

[Only Human]

You're right, Valender, what you're going through is painful. I understand worrying about your GS. How long since you were able to see him?

Do you have any support in "the real world"? A therapist? Many of us here are benefitting from seeing a therapist who specializes in BPD.

~ OH

[Valender]

Yes, I definitely need to find a therapist. I realize that I am anxious all the time. I have not seen him for almost2 months. He keeps asking if he can come to my house. His  dad is  trying to arrange for us to get together, but I think he fears my daughter blowing up about it.  I am really thankful to be talking about this  with people who understand.

[Only Human]

It really does help to talk about it and I'm glad you're finding  bpdfamily as helpful as I do. Nobody else understands, how could they?

I'm glad you're seeking therapy for yourself, and hope that you find some relief from always feeling anxious. Something that helps me when I'm feeling anxious is to practice mindfulness. Staying in the moment, being very aware of my feelings, my surroundings, it helps to center me. I think (or say out loud if I'm alone), "I see (then I list three things), I hear (then I list three things), I feel (then I list three things - those three things could be emotions or things I physically feel..."my butt on the seat, my hands on the steering wheel, my hair on my arm.") I love this saying my Al-Anon sponsor shared with me, "My mind is a very dark place where I go to develop my negatives."

It's also very important that we are taking good care of ourselves. Doing things we enjoy, getting enough rest, etc. Those of us who are caretakers by nature somehow fail miserably when it comes to taking care of numero-uno!

I'm running out the door but found this thread for you that you may find useful, you'll see you are not alone; many of us experience anxiety. We can not change our pwBPD but we can work on ways to change ourselves, it really does start with us.

Dealing with personal anxiety

I'm glad you're here - keep talking, it helps!

~ OH