One year out post-divorce - lessons learned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi folks,
Today marks the 1st anniversary of the move-out of the home of my exBPDh and our divorce.  Long story short, he walked out on our 21 year marriage after a weeks long horrific psychotic break/rage fest culminating in D.V.  I was completely and utterly blindsided by it all and prior to this incident I had never heard of BPD and codependency.  My entire world as I knew it collapsed in a heap of rubble in a matter of two months.  It's been the hardest year of my life and I thought I'd share some thoughts to maybe help others on the same road and pay it forward a bit.
1) The folks here saved my life - no exaggeration.  The non-BPD survivors live in a twilight zone surrounded by people who have absolutely no clue about the depths of pain that can be inflicted by a mentally ill person in a relationship.  It was a life-saver to have access to the love and support of others who "get it" 24/7.  I wish I could meet so many of the wonderful people here in person IRL.  My trust in humanity was broken and you all have so helped to restore it bit by bit for me over the past year.
2) Therapy is a must in my life now.  Prior to my ex's breakdown, I pooh-poohed therapy.  Admittedly I came from a culture that frowned upon it and discouraged the "airing of dirty laundry".  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder and the trauma that this disorder can inflict is horrendous to the soul.  While I do a lot of work on my own, I absolutely need professionals to support me on this healing path.  I've found group therapy in addition to individual therapy to be the best fit for me for now.
3)  I understand the cycles of grief having lived through them all this year.  I'm getting to the acceptance phase but I do cycle back to anger now and then.  I'm really truly over a lot of the heavy grief but now it's more of a dull ache when I see an intact family having fun together or my son do things with my ex that I wish we did as a family.  I'm not gonna lie to those early in the journey - this year was a brutal cycle of suffering, introspection, rumination,  and depression at times but interspersed with moments of love, support and joy.  I feel like I have run the gamut of all possible human emotions at this point.  It's a wringer for sure.
4) It's so important to built up a support network.  I have had so many friends raise me up and hold me this year in so many ways.  I made a commitment to myself to always have some kind of social event to look forward to with friends weekly (sometimes something just as simple as a walk).  There were many days, I just wanted to go under the covers and hide from the world but I forced myself to meet up with a friend or two and I have to say that I never regretted it.
5) Blood is thicker than water.   This is the saddest thing I learned this year after practically been adopted by my former in-laws.  I am an immigrant and they became my family in this country for almost 30 years.  It was breathtaking how quickly they circled the wagons around their own.  I grappled with this heartbreak in addition to losing my marriage - trauma upon trauma.  In a strange way, I came to understand my exBPDh's fear of abandonment myself as I myself was completely abandoned by his family and I have no family members in this country (apart from my son) now.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were very difficult for me because they are the penultimate family holidays.  Having formerly been a member of a huge family of in-laws - it is now very hard to be on the outside looking in.
6) I gave myself last year to be a hot mess about the breakdown of my marriage. I got a little obsessed about learning everything about BPD.  I was desperate to understand what I had been dealing with.  However, a month ago, I finally found myself ready to turn the mirror on myself to see my role in the relationship.  I'm learning a lot about codependency and early childhood trauma and this is going to be my area of research for this next year.  I'm also ready only now to focus on putting myself first and self-care.  It's taken me a year to get to this point and I'm not really sure why.  It's also taken me this full year to not wake up every morning ruminating and obsessing about the past etc.  I remember hearing somewhere that you need a month of recovery for every year of a relationship with a BPD.  That would put my recovery at 27 months.  I remember chafing hearing this at first.  Now I think it is right on the nose!
7) This year is about me (for the first time in my life!).  I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone else at this point in time however, for the first time since the breakup, I'm actually contemplating the idea that I may want to wade into the waters of dating again sometime in the future.  This is a very new thought because I had lost so much trust in humanity at the height my my suffering this year.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Hopefully, there is a nugget somewhere in there that is helpful to someone who is earlier on in their healing path.
Love and hugs to all of you 
Warmly,
B

[Baglady]

Hi folks,
Today marks the 1st anniversary of the move-out of the home of my exBPDh and our divorce.  Long story short, he walked out on our 21 year marriage after a weeks long horrific psychotic break/rage fest culminating in D.V.  I was completely and utterly blindsided by it all and prior to this incident I had never heard of BPD and codependency.  My entire world as I knew it collapsed in a heap of rubble in a matter of two months.  It's been the hardest year of my life and I thought I'd share some thoughts to maybe help others on the same road and pay it forward a bit.
1) The folks here saved my life - no exaggeration.  The non-BPD survivors live in a twilight zone surrounded by people who have absolutely no clue about the depths of pain that can be inflicted by a mentally ill person in a relationship.  It was a life-saver to have access to the love and support of others who "get it" 24/7.  I wish I could meet so many of the wonderful people here in person IRL.  My trust in humanity was broken and you all have so helped to restore it bit by bit for me over the past year.
2) Therapy is a must in my life now.  Prior to my ex's breakdown, I pooh-poohed therapy.  Admittedly I came from a culture that frowned upon it and discouraged the "airing of dirty laundry".  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder and the trauma that this disorder can inflict is horrendous to the soul.  While I do a lot of work on my own, I absolutely need professionals to support me on this healing path.  I've found group therapy in addition to individual therapy to be the best fit for me for now.
3)  I understand the cycles of grief having lived through them all this year.  I'm getting to the acceptance phase but I do cycle back to anger now and then.  I'm really truly over a lot of the heavy grief but now it's more of a dull ache when I see an intact family having fun together or my son do things with my ex that I wish we did as a family.  I'm not gonna lie to those early in the journey - this year was a brutal cycle of suffering, introspection, rumination,  and depression at times but interspersed with moments of love, support and joy.  I feel like I have run the gamut of all possible human emotions at this point.  It's a wringer for sure.
4) It's so important to built up a support network.  I have had so many friends raise me up and hold me this year in so many ways.  I made a commitment to myself to always have some kind of social event to look forward to with friends weekly (sometimes something just as simple as a walk).  There were many days, I just wanted to go under the covers and hide from the world but I forced myself to meet up with a friend or two and I have to say that I never regretted it.
5) Blood is thicker than water.   This is the saddest thing I learned this year after practically been adopted by my former in-laws.  I am an immigrant and they became my family in this country for almost 30 years.  It was breathtaking how quickly they circled the wagons around their own.  I grappled with this heartbreak in addition to losing my marriage - trauma upon trauma.  In a strange way, I came to understand my exBPDh's fear of abandonment myself as I myself was completely abandoned by his family and I have no family members in this country (apart from my son) now.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were very difficult for me because they are the penultimate family holidays.  Having formerly been a member of a huge family of in-laws - it is now very hard to be on the outside looking in.
6) I gave myself last year to be a hot mess about the breakdown of my marriage. I got a little obsessed about learning everything about BPD.  I was desperate to understand what I had been dealing with.  However, a month ago, I finally found myself ready to turn the mirror on myself to see my role in the relationship.  I'm learning a lot about codependency and early childhood trauma and this is going to be my area of research for this next year.  I'm also ready only now to focus on putting myself first and self-care.  It's taken me a year to get to this point and I'm not really sure why.  It's also taken me this full year to not wake up every morning ruminating and obsessing about the past etc.  I remember hearing somewhere that you need a month of recovery for every year of a relationship with a BPD.  That would put my recovery at 27 months.  I remember chafing hearing this at first.  Now I think it is right on the nose!
7) This year is about me (for the first time in my life!).  I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone else at this point in time however, for the first time since the breakup, I'm actually contemplating the idea that I may want to wade into the waters of dating again sometime in the future.  This is a very new thought because I had lost so much trust in humanity at the height my my suffering this year.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Hopefully, there is a nugget somewhere in there that is helpful to someone who is earlier on in their healing path.
Love and hugs to all of you 
Warmly,
B

[hope2727]

hello,

So well written. I am glad you are finding your way in your new reality. This sentence you wrote...

The non-BPD survivors live in a twilight zone surrounded by people who have absolutely no clue about the depths of pain that can be inflicted by a mentally ill person in a relationship.

                                                ...really struck me.

It is so true. Not that I would wish our experience on anyone but they really have no idea. No matter how you try to explain it they really will never get it.

So  we turn to one another. We reach out for support, across the world for understanding, and back for reminder and reciprocity.

In the end we are wiser and stronger but often more alone.

So thank you for your lovely post. Keep on keeping on. Grab al the joy life has to offer and know you are worth every bit of it.

[Baglady]

So appreciative for your kind and lovely words Hope.

Best to you on your healing path also!

Warmly,
B

[I Am Redeemed]

Bag lady,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I can relate to so much of what you said.

It's going on eighteen months since I separated from uBPDh. Nearly six months NC. It's been a struggle to say the least, and I especially relate to being obsessive about learning more about BPD to get answers. I'm in therapy now, too, exploring my childhood and how it conditioned my stress responses and co-dependent behavior.

You are a strong woman, and thank you again for sharing your struggle and strength with us!

Redeemed

[Barnabus]

Wow BagLady.

Your description of this experience is spot on. I have been amazed at how much I have learned about what has been going on in my life and how it is truly impossible to explain it to friends and family.

Your experience with your in-laws is exactly like mine. I was really close to one of her brothers and his family - doing vacations, being favorite uncle, etc. Now they do not even speak to me or return my text messages. It's really hard to deal with.

That same smear campaign has significantly affected my 4 kids, but I do still see them occasionally. My stbxuBPDw is as we speak vacationing with one of my daughters, her husband and her 4 daughters in Hawaii, just living it up while I'm the villain for "Leaving her" (she left me twice and threw me out). That's really hard too.

I'm 1 1/2 years separated going through a painful divorce that she continues to make difficult. I too have made great progress but the emotional price has been exorbitant.

Thanks for your words - they are an inspiration. Know that there are others of us out here hanging with you.

Good Luck!

[Baglady]

Thank you for your kind words Redeemed and Barnabus!

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is the enormous karmic injustice of the entire situation.  Despite demonstrating undeniable psychotic behaviors to many friends and his family, my exBPDh has painted himself masterfully as the "victim" in the situation.  He claimed that my past childhood physical and sexual abuse resulted in me "torturing" him throughout the marriage.  The real truth of the matter is that I was a complete and utter codependent who put up with far too much emotional abuse, selfishness and self-absorption on his part throughout our entire marriage until his eventual terrifying psychotic break culminating in an act of degrading and depraved domestic violence toward me. In honesty, I put his needs far too much ahead of my own and I gradually lost my entire personhood to him over two decades (a fact I completely own and I'm something I'm avidly working on).
However, many former friends and family trust his version of events and it is sickening to me to see them rally around him (and don't even get me started on the fawning and flattery around his "suffering" - gag!).  They really are duped by him because he is such an amazingly effective manipulator despite his significant interpersonal challenges.  The fact remains that his smear campaign and machinations against me have been viciously successful.  My protests or attempts at truth-telling paint me as the crazy so I have just given up.
I know in my heart that BPD is a mental illness but I can't help but feel that my ex's nasty, selfish and evil actions triumphed over my not-perfect but overall good intentions borne out of love.  The sheer brazenness of his current sympathy-seeking and victimhood is a very, very hard pill to swallow. The "bad guy" won this round decisively and it just feels wrong and unjust on so many levels.  I try to remind myself daily to leave it to karma to one day level the playing field but it all feels so, so hard and unfair.

Warmly,
B