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Author Topic: I had to put a restraining order on my son  (Read 1010 times)
Swimmy55
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« on: March 21, 2019, 09:39:35 AM »

Hi All,
I am still processing events of what happened with my son .  Last week I wrote he freaked out bashed in the drywall looking for cameras, accusing me of abandoning him ( even though I left him in the house  with food , utilities on etc .  I left because he got physically violent and shoved me, etc).  
1. Even though there is something else going on with him in addition to the BPD ( psychosis, for one thing) , I am flabergasted by the lying and changing of stories daily.  I have a restraining order against him now and his father  has finally stepped in and arranged a place for him on condition of attending rehab ( my son also does pot and alcohol, maybe mushrooms).  But his first reaction was screaming over the phone I abandoned him and put cameras in the walls.  He was shouting this on the phone and I heard all kinds of glass breaking etc..  I was at my brother's house and I told him I would calll 911.  
2. After an 8 day involuntary hold ( that in itself was gut wrenching ) he is on lithium , so I guess that means some type of mood disorder is going on in addition to the BPD( I don't think lithium is used to treat BPD , is it?)  . Due to HIPPA and restraining order, I am out of the loop on this.  But emotionally ... Anyway, he wrote an email to his therapist and cc'd me on it stating he knows I can't even work a computer so there is no way I had cameras on him.  He did it because he felt I and the family were judging him... ?  It was garbled.  
3. Anyway, I told the therapist he can't contact me, please let him know this.

I am sorry if this is not making a lot of sense.  But I was struck by others' stories on here about their BPD kids lying about what actually happened to them and flipping the story around every 5 minutes.  I have been feeling numb , depersonalized and dissociated mixed with feeling broken inside over my son's mental break , the damage he did to the house, the God sayings he spray painted on the walls.. what fury / fear in him drove him to this?  I know i will not have an answer.  I hate that I am terrified of him and that I have to put a restraining order on him so he could not move back into the house.  Not that I want him in the house, but for him to be out of the house under these conditions just guts me. I keep reliving when the sherrifs had to come and get him for the involuntary hold.  
Thanks for letting me vent.  I have been seeing a therapist.  
I know by restraining order, it may keep both of us safe in the interim, but I also know he will see this as the ultimate abandonment and that was not my intent.  I am trying to see him as a 25 year old man with serious mental illness that needs help and being in my house would trigger him, but in my heart he is still my son and I want to help him.  
Thank you,
 
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:32:09 PM by Cat Familiar, Reason: Retitled in accordance with Guideline 1.5 » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2019, 01:04:17 PM »

Oh Swimmy, I can hear the heartache in your words. Your post made perfect sense to me. I also sense your strength. Sending a message through the therapist, reminding your son that he may not contact you due to the restraining order was a herculean act of self care. I'm glad you're seeing a T, I hope you will find it helpful, as many of us do.

What's next for you? Please keep posting, reaching out for support. We are here for you.

~ OH
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:32:21 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged


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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2019, 01:52:01 AM »

Hi Swimmy55,

Sorry that things got so bad. Glad that you are protecting yourself w/ a RO. It hurts us parents to see our children in just turmoil & hurting so badly. It's also good that you are seeing a therapist. Hope the new meds & rehab help him.

Hugs!
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:32:37 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2019, 02:54:43 AM »

Hi schwimmy

In this terrible crisis you have got safety and your son is on a new path towards treatment. These are facts but that most probably doesn’t help much in your emotional turmoil. There’s so much to process and that takes time.

Be gentle with yourself schwimmy. Be gentle with your thoughts and feelings too.  You know he’s suffering and can’t help the way he behaves right now. You are too suffering.

Lick your wounds. Take some time to get re-balanced. You can then think clearer. When I’m in turmoil I find it difficult too make decisions. It’s one day at a time - baby steps.

LP
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:32:48 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2019, 07:24:35 PM »

Hi there,

Thank you for the update...been thinking of you.  So glad to hear that son is getting the help he needs and that you are safe as well.  I think you can reassure yourself that you have indeed 'helped him.'    When our children are older, 'help' is not feeding them, loving them, and helping them solve problems.  In this case, getting him into the system, and then the lithium, was the help that he needed at that time.  Great job!  As you enforce the order of protection and keep yourself safe, that also 'helps' him...to learn that his behavior is unacceptable, dangerous, and that he has to better manage his illness.  

So, congratulations!  You did an amazing job helping him...it just looks different now than it did ten years ago.  You were able to adjust to the change in his age, needs, and so forth.  Whether he recognizes and appreciates your assistance is irrelevant...you gave exactly what he needed.

Now is a great time for you to heal, recuperate, rejuvenate...it can take months/years after such a traumatizing experience and sequence of events.  I hope you can practice self-compassion and kindness...you deserve it!  
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:33:00 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Swimmy55
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« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2019, 10:49:50 AM »

Thank you all for your encouragement.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:33:14 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2019, 08:37:43 PM »

Swimmy  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

How are you   sometimes we need to take a big breath, a huge one  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

WDx
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:33:27 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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Swimmy55
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« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2019, 11:22:43 AM »

Hi,
I am filled with self recriminations, guilt and blame. I also feel strangely dissociated at times after having experienced the trauma of his shoving me down and then the following weeks of dealing with  the clean up and repairs of his destruction to the house...  I have to keep re reading your messages of encouragement.  It doesn't help when I google "Tough Love" there is a lot out there about it being wrong and turning out an ill member is equivalent to death.  However, the other choice is to be a sitting duck for someone who has proven violence and destruction towards the caretaker?  I am being driven mad by the parents that could "never turn their mentally ill kids on the street, no matter what".  The implication being those of us who are driven to do this aren't fit to be parents somehow?  
There is also a little part of me that feels safer in the house now- that I don't have to sleep in full clothing with car keys and cell phone under my pillow with the door locked. I even had a bag in the car packed in case I had to flee in the middle of the night and I made arrangements with a couple of family members that I can go to them in emergency. It was a domestic violence situation, pure and simple.
Maybe I am needing too much validation that I have done the right thing, maybe I want answers where there are none.  I dunno. Maybe I need some extra therapy myself. ( I do go, but I think I need to increase the sessions) I am having a horrendous time wrestling with this .
Thanks for letting me vent.



« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:33:40 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2019, 12:31:53 PM »

Swimmy, You did not cause your son's mental illness. It is not your fault. You are a good mother. The best thing you can do right now is to take better care of yourself. I am happy you are considering more therapy for yourself. You deserve it. There is no such thing as too much validation. We all need it.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:33:55 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
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« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2019, 01:53:04 AM »

Hi swimmy55

There’s no judgement here. Zero. You love your son and you’re a great mother. You had no other choice. It’s very simple and does not need to be justified, argued, explained or defended. Your son is an adult and responsible for himself and his life. Yes, he’s struggling - of course, because that’s part of the territory of growing through experience of consequences.

You specifically mention feeling judged and Reading stuff on google. Binderdundat! The answer is already within yourself.

What makes you a great parent?  You’ve shown your son what taking care of yourself looks like. I really admire you and the way you’re approacjing this.

Progress isn’t slways linear but with one decision and action  you’ve provided an opportunity for change - for both of you.

Hugs
LP

Ps. You know I’ve said I couldn’t turn my son out on to the street. We found a different way - I often wonder if I should have been stronger. He’s a quiet BPD - yeah that helps (no rages!). He’s never laid a finger on me.  That’s my core value and a boundary - a 6 foot thick concrete boundary - “you do not hit me - ever.”   For some, it needs to be taught.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:34:06 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2019, 10:12:10 AM »

Thanks, Lollypop and FaithHopeLove,
 My apologies if it seemed I was directing my comment at you, Lollipop( or to anyone else on this forum)!  I was directing it at the "anti tough love people" I was reading up on Google.  Even the author , David Sheff is against tough love.  He's the guy that wrote "Beautiful Boy" the book , and the movie came out last year.  His son Nick had mental and drug issues.  David himself kicked his son out back in the day.  Now in his new book" Clean" he states that was wrong because his son could have wound up dead.  I felt deflated . Demoralized.  Betrayed even.  What also needs to be stated is the seriously ill person could wind up dead in the house as well for any number of reasons ( self defense by other family members, suicide, ) in addition to the ill member killing someone in the house.    And you are right , I have to find the right answer within my self.     .  And I have to stop Googling.

« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:34:19 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2019, 10:26:11 AM »

Maybe instead of focusing on "tough love" which can be really problematic when dealing with people with BPD, it would be better to focus on your own boundaries. The difference is "tough love" messages focus on the pwBPD while personal boundaries focus on you and your needs. Here is a good article about boundaries that might be helpful to you. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:34:31 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Swimmy55
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« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2019, 11:15:38 AM »

Thank you FaithHopelOve
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« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2019, 01:06:57 PM »

Hi Swimmy

Sage advice from Faith and LP, you are doing exactly what we all are here to do, get it out and work through with support, we find the answers in ourselves and with a helpful supportive nudge and hug, is truly priceless.

Excerpt
What also needs to be stated is the seriously ill person could wind up dead in the house as well for any number of reasons ( self defense by other family members, suicide, ) in addition to the ill member killing someone in the house.  
Exactly. You have the answers they are there within, likely overshadowed by trauma. LiveandLearned talks in another thread about keeping our glass full that includes coming here. Swimmy it is so true, I've been here daily since my DD's crisis as parents are. I've not been through what you have, DV. (psychotic episodes yes) I do recognise from members (many on the relationship group discussion forums) in similar situations every step you've taken as a parent follows safe DV advice. Skip often shares 'shine the light' as you have, in a firm and loving way. Not tough love. Never read about tough love though.

Doubling up with your T sounds good. I ruminated when I was in crisis, bigtime, till I recognised I was going in the right direction with help of my family here.

WDx

« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:34:44 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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Swimmy55
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« Reply #14 on: April 11, 2019, 10:38:00 PM »

Thank you WendyD. I will read these. Still desperately guilty and clawing my way through.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:34:55 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2019, 08:33:06 PM »

So sorry to hear what your going through. I understand all to well the guilt and fear we aren't doing the right thing. But from what I read, you are a great parent. When a grown child becomes abusive, boundaries are essential, for both of you. You are protecting him as much as yourself.

I have no advice for getting past the guilt. I think it may just be part of being a parent. But please know there are people who understand and see your love for your child. Feelings aside, you are doing what's best for both of you, even though it feels horrible. That makes you a great parent.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:35:08 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Swimmy55
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« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2019, 10:22:37 PM »

Thank you , Tazzer4000.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:35:19 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2019, 11:00:56 PM »

Hi Swimmy! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm here to add my support, along with others, and to tell you you've done the right thing. It's a choice nobody wants to make but, gosh darn it, it had to be made. I'm sorry you're feeling judged by others in this, here's a hug

I also stopped googling. I trust the information here at  bpdfamily over any of the junk that's out there on the internet. I'm glad you continue to post, you will get through this.

~ OH
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:35:30 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged


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« Reply #18 on: April 20, 2019, 07:40:47 AM »

Hi, Swimmy. I just want to add my words of support. It seems to me like you have been living in a war zone and have been traumatized yourself. I don't see how you had any other choice. You had to set a boundary, and it was heartbreaking to do as a parent but it was absolutely necessary. I think you should just work with your therapist and focus on healing yourself. I really wish the best for you and your family.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:35:42 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Swimmy55
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« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2019, 07:17:27 PM »

Thank you Only Human and littlebee. Your words have heartened me today.  
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:35:54 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2019, 12:46:27 AM »

Swimmy,

I am so sorry for your pain, but so glad for you that you took the steps you need to, in order to take care of yourself.

Just a word about the Googling or however you are searching for answers, and it is completely normal to search for answers. Nine times out of ten, it makes me feel worse to read some things on the internet. There is not a whole lot of validation for us parents out there, but there is here, with these people.   Wishing you the best, keep checking in and vent as much as you need to.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:36:05 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
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« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2019, 03:05:09 AM »

Elizabeth is right. I am glad she said that. Try not to make yourself crazy by googling. So much of the "information" out there is really bad data that is either inaccurate or outdated. bpdfamily.com is very careful about only putting out accurate information about the nature of BPD based on the latest research and promoting evidence based approaches to treatment. The good news is much of this latest research indicates that BPD is much more treatable than was previously thought. So yeah. Forget Google. Stick with us.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:36:14 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Swimmy55
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« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2019, 10:04:49 PM »

Thank you Elizabeth and FaithHopeLove about your take on Googling, which makes perfect sense.  
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:36:29 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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