She needs so much help but not the kind I've been providing

[Levi Love]

Hello,

I am married to my soul mate who I just realized after over 6 years of marriage needs soo much help but not the kind that I have been providing (enabling, trying to play hero).  She move out last summer after throwing me out of the house a few times.  Now she want a divorce because she feels that I don't meet her needs like I use to and I emotionally abused her.  Since she moved out, I have been on a mission to read all I can on BPD.  I am now looking at learning more at setting limits.

  Thanks for any help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi Levi Love and welcome to the family 

Judging from your title, you already did some research on tools and strategies. Great! Lets see how we can help you implement them in a meaningful way.

Now she want a divorce because she feels that I don't meet her needs like I use to and I emotionally abused her.

What changed? How did you treat her differently?

What kind of limits do you want to set? Could you give us an example?

[once removed]

hi Lexi Love, i want to join Purplex and say

Since she moved out, I have been on a mission to read all I can on BPD

what clued you in about BPD?

[Levi Love]

Hello Purplex, and Once Removed.  Thank you for your welcome.  I am soo new.  I just figured out how to find responses to my outgoing.    Anyway, first question:

What changed? How did you treat her differently?

I started to realize after about 5 psychologists & marriage counselors (and many well meaning christian couples in between) in 6 years of marriage, that we were not having normal couple conflicts.  I started to see that the target kept moving as I got closer to my wife's need expectations.  I also started to realize I have symptoms of co-dependency & CPSTD.  One of those psychologists told me to read "Stop Walking On Egg Shells".   I then began to see things more clear, but then (as it does...Rollacoaster!) things get better, so I tossed the book and didn't implement.  In the beginning I still was not ready to deal with my own dysfunctions.  During our last time we lived together, I started on the path of trying to uncover OUR dysfunctional symptoms with the goal of decreasing conflict.   I feel her response was mostly to mirror & deflect.

what clued you in about BPD?

We are on our third separation that has been going on for about 8 months.  Since my wife left I have re-read Stop Walking on egg shells, also:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder: Communication Skills to Manage Intense Emotions, Set Boundaries, and Reduce Conflict


I have watch many YouTube video's of individual who have BPD and realize just how much they go through to survive.  

I am now reading:  

The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation
Fruzzetti, Ph.D., Alan E.


How We Love, Expanded Edition: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich

Reconciliation (Hope for the Heart, June Hunt): Restoring Broken Relationships



What kind of limits do you want to set? Could you give us an example?


When my wife got angry, I would try to use the suggestions from our psychologists & marriage counselors like:

Ask for a time out
Apologize
Write points down
Use a timer

The first few times these worked, but after that these suggestion only fueled more anger.  My motives were mostly  in question.  Now that I know more about emotional illness, both of ours, I recognize the triggers faster.  

The one thing I feel concerned about right now is our 15 yr. old son (who is from my prior marriage, he lives with me full custody) who is caught in the emotional middle.  He knows nothing about emotional illness (from me), but my wife sends him stuff almost daily with words like:  "Love you more than you know".  When she goes to his football games, she wants him (on his down time) to sit with her instead of with his teams mates & coach during a warm up game before his.   I soo understand more now the complexity of my wife's needs, but I feel that he already is mixed/confused over our constant separation and to also have to support her emotionally.  I sent her an email yesterday using the S.E.T. system I learned trying to crack the door on the topic.  However, I feel her response was to repel & deflect.  I could use some advise please.  Thanks for all your help.
 

[Red5]

Afternoon Levi, only got a short minute here… your not alone, I can relate to your entire story… all of it.

Books… yes, important to read up, and learn… I too "binge" on youtube… just be careful, there is some toxic stuff out there…

Here are a couple more books for you… (sharing)
*“Codependent No More”... by Melody Beattie (on youtube as an audiobook, and also here in the BPDfam library)
*"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder": How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship 1st Edition… by Shari Y. Manning   (Author),    Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)… also here (discussed) in BPDfam "library"…

Helpful links:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=28.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=20.0

…keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5

[Purplex]

In the beginning I still was not ready to deal with my own dysfunctions.

Yes it can be quite challenging to identify and adress our own shortcomings. Cleaning up our side of the street takes time and we should be patient with ourselves as well. On the bright side, this is also a great chance to learn more about ourselves and develope skills that can be valuable not only in the context of our relationships but also in other areas of our lifes.

The first few times these worked, but after that these suggestion only fueled more anger.  My motives were mostly  in question.  Now that I know more about emotional illness, both of ours, I recognize the triggers faster.

Sometimes the strategies and tools we use can come across as insensitive or scripted if we apply them in the same way over and over. But if we keep practicing and learning to get a better feel of the situation, it gets easier to use them dynamically or change them up. It sonds like you are well on track here!

Regarding your son, how do you feel about sharing the information and tools with him?
   

[Levi Love]

Hello Purplex,

  I have not told him anything bad about my wife's emotional dysfunction that I am now more aware of after all the reading I have been doing.  I don't like the idea of him seeing my wife in a negative way.  I have let him in on a small portion of my own journey & struggles, but he is 15, and I am trying to keep a level of respect for both of us high.  It's very hard because he says he wants more time with her, but I know he is in emotional danger the longer emotional dysfunction is denied by my wife and not address.

FYI I just today got served divorce papers.

[Purplex]

FYI I just today got served divorce papers.

I am so sorry it came to this, Levi Love. How are you holding up?

It's very hard because he says he wants more time with her, but I know he is in emotional danger the longer emotional dysfunction is denied by my wife and not address.

Do you think he feels obligated to spend more time with her or is this something he truly wants and enjoys for himself?

[Levi Love]

I am so sorry it came to this, Levi Love. How are you holding up?

Do you think he feels obligated to spend more time with her or is this something he truly wants and enjoys for himself?

Hello Purplex,

I am doing ok.  I think he wants time with her which I am ok with (with limits), but he is also being manipulated in my opinion.  I feel she needs much external validation at any cost and I know she is emotionally hurting from within.  I understand that much much more now that I have almost completed the book called "LOVING SOMEONE WITH BPD" by Sheri Y. Manning.  This book has opened my eyes so wide for her pain.  I understand more deeply the meaning of VALIDATION. 

She has read my emails that I have sent, and didn't return the latest card that I mailed so we will see.  Thanks

[Levi Love]

Afternoon Levi, only got a short minute here … your not alone, I can relate to your entire story … all of it.

Books … yes, important to read up, and learn … I too "binge" on youtube … just be careful, there is some toxic stuff out there …

Here are a couple more books for you … (sharing)
*“Codependent No More”... by Melody Beattie (on youtube as an audiobook, and also here in the BPDfam library)
*"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder": How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship 1st Edition … by Shari Y. Manning   (Author),    Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword) … also here (discussed) in BPDfam "library" …

Helpful links:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=28.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=20.0

….keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5

Thanks Red5,

 For the book/links/encouragement recommendation "LOVING SOMEONE WITH BPD"  I am about  85% done.  Great book.

[Harri]

Hi LeviLove and thanks for the update.  I am so sorry things are rough right now .  It sounds like you are reading some really good books and learning a lot.  Validation is a great skill to have.  We have an article here that you might want to read.  When we talk about validation, a lot of times it is easier to focus on not invalidating.  See what you think.
Don't Invalidate

We have a new audio book on the site thanks to Red5 that you might want to check out.  It is called Understanding the Borderline Mother and it can help you understand the disorder and how it affects not only you but your son as well.  

[Levi Love]

Thank you Harri,

  I am going to check those links.  I am grateful for your suggestions.