Does my partner have BPD?

[Noobie]

Thanks for letting me join the group, I'm hoping to get some advice and find some others who are going through similar things as me.
I emigrated to live with my partner 8 months ago having started the relationship long distance. Everything was honestly fantastic, we made trips to see each other in our home towns before I made the final move, and I figured everything was going to work out great.
Since I arrived in July 2018 it's been the complete opposite and I have been so confused as to why. My partner has been agitated almost every day, often directing her anger at me.
There have been a long list of complaints from her, ranging from why I haven't proposed yet (she's been raging and screaming at me every week this whole time) to me not paying bills or helping around the house, both of which I am happy to do and have done.
I have been subject to repeated verbal abuse, she has broken household objects in a rage, and most recently she threw part of a leaf-blower machine she was trying to assemble in frustration, which hit me in the leg.
She has told me to get out of her house several times, swearing and shouting at me and putting some of my belongings outside the house, only to apologize the next day each time it happens.
My partner had an emotional breakdown a few days ago, apologizing profusely for everything and asking me to help her get better. We have since discussed the possibility of her suffering from BPD. Is this likely to be the case? How might I help her not get to this level of anger in future? I'm starting to feel unsafe and I know I can't stay in the relationship if I feel that way. Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Welcome Noobie,

Sounds like a rough time you're having, you have come to the right place.

Look through this site and learn as much as possible.

Can I point out that her recognizing "a problem" is pretty good in terms of maybe getting help, it's also advised that the non not try and bring the diagnosis to the potential pwBPD.

You can't help her get better, you can help her get help to get better.  You can learn tools here, firstly is learn how to not make it worse. Second, if you find your reaction to her episodes is causing further or longer, worse episodes, look into JADE here.

If you feel like you are not safe, that is priority in my opinion and you must find safety.

Keep writing, and get lost on this site, there is info everywhere and you aren't alone.

[Noobie]

Thanks for your reply. I typed my post out pretty quickly and while in the same room as my partner. Just to add, she suggested that BPD may be the cause of what has been happening. I'm keen not to push anything on her or label her as anything, but I don't want to sit by and do nothing either. I will take your advice, thank you.

[Purplex]

Hi Noobie and

Like Sandb2015 said, there are tools and strategies you can use to defuse situations of conflict and hopefully prevent further escalation in the future. In case you didn't come across it yet, this lesson might be a good start https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.
What do you think?

I am glad that you keep your own safety in mind. Here is a link to our DV Safety Plan, maybe give it a read, just in case.

Since your partner brought up BPD herself, do you thing she would be willing to get therapy?

[Noobie]

Hi Purplex,

My partner has expressed a wish not to have therapy or see a professional, and I feel I should respect her wish on that. It's been eight months of very confusing and frightening times, but as I say she did come to me a short while ago with an apology and a promise to improve. I was able to talk her down from possibly raging a couple of days ago for the first time by reminding her of the promise. I'm going to see how things go for now, and read in here daily.

[once removed]

Hi Noobie, i want to join SandB2015 and Purplex and say

I'm going to see how things go for now, and read in here daily.

i would really encourage you to not only read, but post regularly (ask questions, apply what youre learning), and post in the threads of others. not only will it build up your support system (experts will tell you this is critical), but it will keep you in problem solving mode, and keep you sharp on what youre learning. my own relationship ended eight years ago now, but i continue to work this board hard, and its really honed my conflict resolution skills, and helped me tremendously with other difficult loved ones in my life.

discussing BPD with her sounds like a big development. any update since then?

[Noobie]

Hi,

I haven't been able to discuss it with her much further, a couple of days ago she said "i've not been diagnosed with anything, how do you know what I have?" and it kind of shut me down. I have been dropping gentle hints here and there, not wanting every day to be about what has been happening.
She hasn't raged at me or broken anything in over a week and that's progress. For now I think I should just try to carry on as normal and of course keep learning from this group. I'm grateful to you all, thank you.

[Purplex]

My partner has expressed a wish not to have therapy or see a professional, and I feel I should respect her wish on that.

Yes, I agree. Therapy should be done voluntarily, otherwise it's not going to be very effective anyway. Did you think about getting a therapist for yourself? As once removed mentioned, a support system is vital and it might be helpful to have somebody to talk to in person as well.

I was able to talk her down from possibly raging a couple of days ago for the first time by reminding her of the promise.

Thats great!   It sounds like you both are commited to make a change for the better. Depending on what the future brings, you could think about elaborating on this agreement, maybe lay down some 'communication rules' together that both of you can refer to when things get heated?

I haven't been able to discuss it with her much further, a couple of days ago she said "i've not been diagnosed with anything, how do you know what I have?" and it kind of shut me down.

Lables can be frightening, especially in case of mental illness. It's easy to feel shamed or stigmatized. Maybe focus on empathetic listening and asking questions for now, if she feels like talking about it. Try to understand her experiences and validate. This alone can make a big difference.
 

[Noobie]

Hi Purplex,

I appreciate your replies, they've given me plenty to think about. It takes me back to my original question, does it sound like my partner is suffering with BPD? I know labels aren't helpful in this situation, it's just that sometimes it feels like she's being deliberately hurtful. Maybe I need to work on myself some more?

[Noobie]

Had a setback today as my partner raged at everyone around her again including me after a shopping trip. It's so unsettling and worrying, and it leaves me on edge for hours afterwards. Been reading about high conflict personalities today too, and how it's basically impossible to change someone's mind at all. It's left me quite down.

[Purplex]

I am sorry about the setback, sadly those are very likely to happen even if things are improving overall. This can be incredibly frustrating and discouraging, but you have our support and I am hopeful that we can help you find a way to steer your relationship into healthier territory. In a high-conflict relationship, the most important thing is that we look after our own mental health and and take the time and space to care for ourselves and recover. Is there something you can do to get your mind off for a bit? Take a walk, meet a friend, excersise... just something you enjoy doing?

For many of us, our natural response to someone's anger is to fight back or JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). This is likely to fuel the conflict and further escalate the situation. For a pwBPD, anger is often caused by another underlying emotion, like fear of rejection or abandonment. We can use empathy and understanding, to identify that emotion and adress it properly. We don't need to change their mind to make them feel understood and validated and sometimes this is already enough to calm the waves a bit.
What happend at the shopping trip? Do you have an idea what underlying emotion might have caused her rage?

Regarding your question, the behaviors you describe are very common for BPD, so it's quite possible that your partner has it. Whatever it might be, the tools you can learn here will be helpful either way.
If you feel comfortable with it, you could give us a more detailed example of a conflict and we can talk about how to use the tools most effectively.

[Noobie]

I'm left so confused and afraid sometimes, just when I think things are looking better the signs of it all coming back are there again.
As far as the shopping trip goes I'll explain with as much detail as I can. I've tried to say that I'll match her paying for groceries 50/50, she buys extra things for her daughter (from a previous relationship) and I do too sometimes, but the main items I have said should always be us together paying 50/50. From out of nowhere she rejected this on the shopping trip, telling me it's every man for himself, she didn't want my money, and proceeded to pay for everything she had picked up, then walking out of the store while I was still trying to buy things we both needed.  When we got home her anger grew into rage, she told me I only care about myself and as long as I'm alright that's all that matters. She punched the fridge a couple of times and threw fridge magnets, she also threw away perfectly good food from the fridge that I wanted to eat. I have tried to state again that I'm happy to pay for half of any grocery bill, but things have been pretty frosty since then and I can't seem to get her to accept this. She is adamant that I don't want to contribute to the household regardless of the facts.

[Purplex]

she told me I only care about myself and as long as I'm alright that's all that matters.

This might be the underlying emotion that set her off. It's probably not really about the groceries or the household, those are just the next best opportunities to act on those feelings. For a pwBPD feelings are facts. But feelings are often not rooted in reality, so approaching them with reason is likely to fail. You can't argue against feelings, especially if they are percieved as reflective of reality. Do you think you could have a reasonable conversation with her about the grocery issue once she has calmed down a bit?

You said her agitation started, when you moved together. Do you think she might have had specific expectations about living together as a couple that weren't met? If she says you don't care about her, what could make her feel that way (besides your contribution to the household, which doesn't seem to be the real issue)?

[once removed]

the main items I have said should always be us together paying 50/50. From out of nowhere she rejected this on the shopping trip,

what led you to this idea?

what are her thoughts about it?

[Noobie]

I've tried many times to have a reasonable conversation, and tried to help her budget, and paid more than my share for things, but none of it has ever worked to keep her calm. Sharing the bills half each seems like the fairest way to do it to me, but that doesn't work either. This doesn't even make sense to read. I feel so hopeless.

[Noobie]

This Friday night my partner got into a bad rage again. This time she said she wanted to kill me twice, describing different methods each time. She broke down in tears and apologized the next night, telling me she would never do anything to hurt me. I had considered staying away at a hotel because of how scared I am, but I am back with her at her house. I am at a loss for what to do, and I am very scared. Any help or advice would really be appreciated.

[Purplex]

This time she said she wanted to kill me twice, describing different methods each time.

This is very concerning, such a statemet would terrify me as well. If you don't feel save, please take a look at the DV Safety Plan. It's important that you are prepared and able to act quickly, in case the situation escalates further.

You can also take the MOSAIC test, a threat assessment for domestic violence and come back to us with a score.
MOSAIC

Do you have a friend or family member who knows about your situation?

How did things develope since the weekend?