soon to be ex pushed my daughter

[12years]

About a week ago, my children came back from a dinner at a restaurant with my soon-to be-ex-husband and claim that he pushed my daughter off his lap and onto the ground so she fell and hit the back of her head. No one else was outside where they were eating. I wrote this down in my journal to document it, but, have not confronted him about it. What can I do? What rights do I have? I heard what they said but didn't know what to do about it at the time. He just dropped them off that night. He seemed a bit "fired up" when he picked them up that night. And he didn't even pick her up or anything. Just kept on eating. The kids (I have a son and a daughter) described it like he was starting to eat and swiped her away with his arm, but, I am not sure exactly how she would be on his lap if he was starting to eat. She said she got marks on her leg from the fall and I took a picture of it. What should I do in this sort of situation?

[livednlearned]

That had to be so difficult to hear from your kids. It sounds like they were shook up by it.

Can you remind us how old the kids are?

Are you and H living separately?

Has anything like this happened before?

[12years]

A boy 11 and a girl who is 8.

Yes he threw a book at my son intending it for me about 4 years ago. This was when I really noticed something was wrong!

And he grabbed and pushed my son one time relatively recently. I didn’t see it just heard a loud noise like some one was knocked to the ground, thru were right overhead. I knew something was wrong. There’s been lots of pushing going on.

He’s pushed me a few times over the years and two years ago did it and I called the police. And, he pushed me again just before he moved out. Yes he’s moved out as of January of this year. No TRO yet so I don’t think I can do anything. But let me know! But I want him to know I know about it.

[Turkish]

This sounds scary, and you want to protect your kids,  and they are looking to be protected. What discussions have you had about custody going forward? Does he want joint custody?Good that you documented this. 

[12years]

I will just keep documenting it. But, I really want to ring his neck!
I don't think there's anything else I can do except for tell the kids not to upset Daddy intentionally. Isn't that sad?

[livednlearned]

Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids When One Parent is BPD by Bill Eddy is an excellent guide to what you can do. It will help you model what the kids need to learn.

It's also helpful to walk them through a safety plan. Not necessarily related exactly to their dad, altho if it's appropriate by all means do it. With then S12 I would ask him what he'd do if this or that happened, what neighbor he would go to, and we would talk it through together. There were other plans, too.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak also gave me good ideas to help my son work through the difference between lies, privacy, withholding, secrecy, etc. because those concepts tend to get very warped in families with BPD dynamics.

And of course, there is validation. You want to make sure your kids know how they feel. A BPD parent tends to undermine those feelings and make kids doubt their experience of reality. Validation is simple to understand and takes a lot of practice to really get it right, in my experience. But when I started to do it with my son, it was like watering a parched and thirsty plant. He soaked it up and I saw immediate results.

We have to learn counter-intuitive skills in parenting our kids, and just keep putting one foot forward after another toward healthy outcomes.

[12years]

Thank you livenlearned! I will get these books!

[ForeverDad]

She's 8 years old and was sitting on his lap in a restaurant?  From your initial description I thought she was a preschooler.  Probably time to encourage the children to have some boundaries, considering what just happened.  My kid didn't learn the right boundaries from his mother.  Your kids probably need help to validate what are the better boundaries for them to have, especially when you're not around for consultation.

I recall one session (Feb 2009, age 7) where his therapist related to me her concern that son had responded to a review question "Who's private parts can you touch?" with "My mother's."  He should have answered "Mine."
— See my post on February 21, 2009, 11:06:41

Kids often need help, and reinforced over time, identifying and establishing healthy boundaries.

[12years]

Yes, I will have to work with them on boundaries. I try and have tried before this happened so I will be more diligent.