Why do i feel like this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After all ive gone through with my BPDex and her already finding a new 2 days after we broke it off, been almost 4 weeks of NC.
Why am i feeling so much agony, it annoys me, because i dont want her back and i dont care that she is sleeping with someone else... Is it because it all just ended so fast? Is it because she hates me like hell now and wont speak a word to me, but she does run her mouth about me out in town? Am i somehow lying to myself?
Worst of all is, i dont hate her but i do feel some anger towards her for all she put me through and how she makes me feel now, yet i constantly think of her! I often try to be mad at myself for having her in my mind, because she doesnt even deserve a spot there, it helps for a few minutes and then i try to rationalize that i think of her.

I know all of this will take time but god do i hate it.

When we were together we broke up so many times and ended back together, those times i was perfectly fine adn a part of me was like, yay she is gone. This time even though i STILL ended it, it seems like i care more than ever about it, is it because she somehow finally shut herself off from me and i feel some sort of shock about her NOT coming back this time?

[KoRnyRocks]

After all ive gone through with my BPDex and her already finding a new 2 days after we broke it off, been almost 4 weeks of NC.
Why am i feeling so much agony, it annoys me, because i dont want her back and i dont care that she is sleeping with someone else... Is it because it all just ended so fast? Is it because she hates me like hell now and wont speak a word to me, but she does run her mouth about me out in town? Am i somehow lying to myself?
Worst of all is, i dont hate her but i do feel some anger towards her for all she put me through and how she makes me feel now, yet i constantly think of her! I often try to be mad at myself for having her in my mind, because she doesnt even deserve a spot there, it helps for a few minutes and then i try to rationalize that i think of her.

I know all of this will take time but god do i hate it.

When we were together we broke up so many times and ended back together, those times i was perfectly fine adn a part of me was like, yay she is gone. This time even though i STILL ended it, it seems like i care more than ever about it, is it because she somehow finally shut herself off from me and i feel some sort of shock about her NOT coming back this time?

[Mutt]

Hi KoRnyRocks,

I can understand the distressing feelings when you have broken up and you haven’t spoken to your ex in weeks. I don’t know how you feel but it feels like a weird and sad situation to be in when you love someone so much with being in and off and now you’re not talking to each. I never thought that things would end up the way that they did - no contact.

Don’t be hard on yourself you’re experiencing loss it’s natural to think about what you have lost. To answer your question it sounds like you’re probably in the anger stage of grieving. There are five stages this article explains:

SELF ASSESSMENT | The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[Baglady]

Hi K.
Your posting perfectly encapsulates my experience over the past year as I grapple with recovery from my divorce from my exBPDh.  It's a frustrating state of mind to find yourself in - particularly as in my case, like you, I really do want to move on with my life and I have zero interest in reviving any kind of relationship with my ex.  I co-parent so I'm not no-contact (which I would prefer) but I'm very low-contact (minimal emailing regarding my son).  
I think these relationships just do such a number on our psyches and the behavior of the BPD partner is so irrational that our brains are turned into pretzels trying to find a pattern to explain it all.  And our brains CRAVE patterns and meaning...and it's hard, if not impossible, to make sense regarding BPD relationships.
I try to practice mindfulness and awareness of my thoughts as much as I can in order to derail my brain from the BPD loop as much as I can.
Hang in there - you are not alone in your experience.
Warmly,
B

[crushedagain]

4 weeks isn't a long time at all. I was a basket case at that juncture. I almost envy you in that you don't want her back and broke up with her. I wish I had been in that position, because mine was the opposite. I was devalued and then she left me, and I loved her and didn't want it to end. It's been 1 1/2 years and I still think of her daily. I try not to but she pops into my mind. I think you are doing very well. Best of luck.

[KoRnyRocks]

So a little update...

I still miss her even though I ended it and don’t want her back. I know I have been devalued since she ended up with the new guy just a day after I ended us. I still find myself thinking about her every single day and it makes me mad cuz she doesn’t deserve it at all.
I recently found out that during our relationship she cheated on me, something I didn’t believe she would do. Now it makes sense why she always blamed me for flirting with every girl I saw and telling me constantly that she believed I cheated on her. She was projecting everything she did right back at me.

I have still not been in contact with her, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to since she is in the honeymoon phase with her new man, and I know I don’t want to hear from her at all. Since we only live 3-4 mins from each other in this little Danish town I have changed my phone number, and got a new place to move into I August that is about 30 mins in car from where I live now.
I have simply come to the conclusion that after all the bs and now the cheating... I don’t wanna see her at all, I stay away from the places she goes out, I have friends that tells me if she’s there so I don’t walk into her. I simply just don’t wanna look at her face ever again. I told her best girlfriend to tell her to delete everything she has with me etc, cuz I have done the same. I wanted her to know that I will never acknowledge what we had in the future. These years together was a waste and a time I regret.
Her friend told me I was mean by saying that and I said nope, I deserved better and I know that now. I don’t wish anything good for her and I look forward to move away and be happy someplace else, cuz as long as there is a chance I will bump into her, I wont have a good time and constantly be annoyed. So not only not contacting her, I move away.
You guys might think now it’s because I’m hurting etc. I’m not hurting at all actually, I just wanna move myself from her life in any way possible. I know she will ruin this new guy up like she did with me, I don’t care. I’m done giving to ___s about her ever.

I tested something the other day, when we dated I gave her a necklace. She always said to me if we breakup etc, you get it back cuz it will of no use at all. So I told her girlfriend to tell her to give me the necklace back, she could dump it in my mailbox why should she keep it, would be weird to wear it with her new man and if she can’t use it, it will just lay around.
I never got it back and I think there are a few reasons for this: she tries to see if it pisses me, which she doesn’t cuz if she gave it back to me I would throw it out, she doesn’t deserve to own it.
Secondly she won’t return it to me because it’s the last thing she has that truly reminds her of me/us and if she delivers it, there will be some form of closure/ending which BPD people hate and she would then know she removed me for good.
Thirdly she knows that I’m seeing someone myself, we take it slow, know each other for years, she knows our story, so she doesn’t wanna force a new relationship on me, but I think my BPDex is scared I would give the necklace to my new girl... as if, that would be weird.

And no guys, I’m not hurt anymore, I’m angry and I have finally found strength and joy again with my new girl. But boy I want her to suffer... harsh? I don’t know, I wish karma hits her.