BPD DS25 received ASPD dx. I'm overwhelmed & my goal is to detach with love

[Kiss]

My BPD son is 25.  After years of thinking it was just drugs/alcohol, bad parenting on my part, I recently received a diagnosis from the northwestern hospital psychiatry department that seems to fit - anti-social personality disorder.  Still digesting this info, seems overwhelming.  My goal - elusive as it's proven to be thus far - is to detach with love.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello, Kiss, I am happy to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It must be quite a blow to you to receive a diagnosis of Anti-social personality disorder on top of BPD. You say your goal now is to detach with love. What does that look like to you? Share whatever you are comfortable sharing. This is a safe space. We will walk with you.

[Only Human]

Hi KISS 

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily and echo what she says, this is a safe place for you to learn and grow. I hope to hear more from you and look forward to walking with you on this journey.

~ OH

[Miserable Mom]

I feel you and understand the overwhelmed state of being. My 16 year old daughter was dx Conduct Disorder (CD) which is the under 18 equivalent to adult ASPD in many cases. The stigma associated with it is horrific and tragic. It is always associated with criminality at the mere mention of either dx term, adult or child. I don't believe at this time that the BPD behaviors that have initiated police involvement are intentional or with malice. I also believe drug/alcohol use is self-medicating in our situation and a symptom of a much deeper issues. Research has been my greatest friend in this lonely journey. Reaching out for support is the so helpful and knowing you are not alone. It is infuriating to find the professionals unwavering commitment to blame the parents/parenting. How about we stop the blame game and seek solutions? Here if you need a friend.

[Turkish]

ASPD seems to suggest a lot of drama and hurtful behaviors on his side.  What does detaching with love look like to you at this point?  What behavoirs prompt detaching?

[Kiss]

thanks to all for your interest and in welcoming me to your group!
detaching with love looks like this:
1. not living together anymore.  this is very unhealthy for him and my wife and i.  he and i, in particular, don't do well together.  i have a very hard time listening to the manipulation/con jobs, etc.  i respect that he didn't choose to be aspd but my own personal limits just won't allow me to listen to his BS without feeling the need to correct him.  it's like "fake news" that i won't just listen to without rebutting.
2. not running to the rescue to help get him out of his latest crisis:  i have spent hundreds of thousands on treatment programs, attorney retainers/fees, providing him money with little or inconsistent boundaries
3.  letting him know i/we love him enough to let him go - to sink or swim by taking his own responsibility for his actions.  i'm done bailing him out.
4.  my life.  what happened to having my own fun, embracing the good of the rest of my family, being a selfish?
that's it, best to you all..

[Lollypop]

Hi Kiss

We took our son back home following a downward spiral and diagnosis at 24. He refused treatment, he was non functioning and depressed. Everything is ever tried just made things worse. I was a fixer and felt I just needed to get him to listen.

Detach means placing the responsibility of their life and problems in their lap.  With love means that this is done gently and lovingly.

I had a cold hard look at myself and I could see I was very judgmental of my son’s poor choices. Our relationship was at an all time low and he could barely spend more than a few minutes with me.

For the sake of my entire family, for myself and of course my son - I decided to try and have a relationship with him. I found this forum and it’s saved us. I have become the parent he needs. Not the one I thought I should be. I can change. He cannot change because of BPD.

With better interaction skills we get along nicely now. I got back to basics. These skills have helped me in all areas of my life and I encourage you to be open minded and learn what you can here.  This is all about healthy relationships.

You want your life back. It’s there and always has been. I  Recovered mine and demonstrate how to take care of myself so they learn what that looks like.

You’re done bailing him out. Good. I stopped giving my son money too. He’s learnt to problem solve and gain some dignity.

You’ve spent a lot of money. Me too. I chose to do that and I take responsibility for that choice. We learn by making mistakes.

Not living together any more. A physical distance can help. That doesn’t necessarily mean though that your son doesn’t need some emotional support while he tries to make it in his own. This is up to you and him to work out.

I’ve written quite bluntly because I feel that youre a straight talker. If I’ve got that wrong I’m sorry. I totally understand because my situation sounds so similar. It’s a heart wrenching reality that has to be faced. For what it’s worth, my son is working full time, managing his money and living close by - he doesn’t seek treatment and self medicates. We are happier, despite the problems.

How are you and your wife feeling right now?

LP .

[Mirsa]

Hi KISS,

I agree with your numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4!   My DD17 moved out unexpectedly about six months ago, and although I was very upset and felt betrayed at first, I have found a newfound peace, serenity and freedom in my life.  If (when) she asks to move back in, I will say no.  I value your #1:  my home should be a place of peace and safety, which means she cannot live in it.  #2:  when she wants money, I will say no...she is a young adult and must learn from the consequences of her own actions.  Plus, I'm saving for retirement, and I've decided that I would like to enjoy traveling in retirement, and that is more important to me than throwing money (down the drain) rescuing her again and again.  #3: ditto...love her, but she is a young adult and this journey is hers now. 
 You can see I'm in the 'tough love' camp. 

#4:  I'm about to turn fifty!  I'm so excited.  It's suddenly the best time of my life...I'm full of energy, and enthusiasm and the world feels like my oyster again.  The possibilities are endless.  I'm job shopping and hoping to relocate to a more urban area with my younger daughter this summer.  Such an exciting time!  My philosophy is that there is no rule that says we have to endlessly compromise our own happiness and well-being for a child.   This is in no way a criticism of people who choose to do continue to support their adult children; it is simply a philosophy of life I've chosen to not ascribe to.  My younger daughter and I are thriving for the first time in years, and I don't think it is at all selfish, as you worry, for me to put my other child's and my own needs first.  I certainly put BPD child's needs first for many years, and happily, that time is over now.  (her choice, but I seized the opportunity with both hands)

I hope you keep coming back to vent, share, learn, and get validated.  Sounds like you've got a great start. 

Mirsa

[smallbluething]

Welcome KISS

You will find lots of people here who know just what you are going through. I thoroughly agree with your 1-4 and am at more or less the same point with my daughter. I have learnt a lot from reading what Lollipop has had to say about her relationship with her son, both here and elsewhere on the board. The 'radical acceptance' and 'detaching with love' is still very much a work in progress for me but I'm getting there and hopefully you will too!