Sister died and wife is hitting with both barrels.

[Lost in LA]

Mod Note:  This thread was split from   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335545.0

Not a good day. My full blooded sister died today. And not needed my wife is hitting with both barrels. Telling me to get over it, and actually getting nasty about it.

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[Red5]

Not a good day. My full blooded sister died today. And not needed my wife is hitting with both barrels. Telling me to get over it, and actually getting nasty about it.

Very sorry about your loss LA, losing family members takes a heavy toll on our soul, please know that you and you family will be in our thoughts and prayers tonight.

What you are experiencing from your wife unfortunately is a common borderline behavior... pw/BPD will sense the fear, or anxiety in us (the Non)... this will set them on edge, because they look to us to always be their for them no matter the circumstances... when pw/BPD gets into this mode they will lash out at us, maybe even revert back to their inner hurt child... remember that BPD most times is based on trauma experienced as a child... you may be actually dealing with this right now,

I know how it feels to have your grown adult partner start acting in such a manner just when you may be reaching out to them for support, it’s almost as though they are actually feeling jealous or even betrayed that suddenly they are not the point of attention... it is very confounding to experience... at the same time you are experiencing such a loss as you are now.

My own wife has done this to me on several occasions over the last eleven years...

It may also be a ‘control’ issue... she may want to help you...  but the event being what it is, is certainly not something she can control... so she lashes out at you...

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this LA, unfortunately; this is part of being in a relationship, marriage with a pw/BPD...

You want her to validate your hurt, but instead she is being unsupportive and giving you those damn double barrels again, right when you really don’t need it, or want to deal with it... it’s a catch22...

Seems that in order to process your own feelings of loss, first your going to have to find a way to validate your wife beforehand... doesn’t seem fair I understand...

Hang in there, it’s maybe a “reassurance / validation” issue... that’s what she’s looking for from you when she says... “get over it”... I know that pearces your heart... again... part of surviving a BPD relationship...

It’s a maladaptive response from her... you will need to process it as such...

Keep posting LA, and stay mindful of how your interacting with her tonight... hang in there,

Red5

[Lost in LA]

I have no clue what to think. She came out and asked if she could watch a recorded video on the Dvr. I said of course. We stat wand watched for about 15 minutes. She got up, went to the bedroom then came back out to the kitchen.


My wife started just talking to me and told me she does not know how to process death while standing in our kitchen. She said I come across as cold and I don’t mean too. She walked into the living room and pulled me up and bp gave me a long hug.

I’m speechless. She the retreats to the bedroom to sleep...

[Red5]

My wife started just talking to me and told me she does not know how to process death while standing in our kitchen. She said I come across as cold and I don’t mean too. She walked into the living room and pulled me up and bp gave me a long hug.

I’m speechless. She the retreats to the bedroom to sleep...

You see LA...’this is exactly what I was blathering about... seems pw/BPD is a puzzle within a puzzle...’like those Russian dolls...

“She can’t process death”... you can put the Simpson multi meter on that and trace that shorted wire right back to “Foo” mum or dad... to quote the late great Justin Wilson...’”I Gar On Tee” !

At the same time as you are mourning your Sister, and perhaps planning a journey to her services... you’re gong to have to stand fast, hold short... and process with your wife...

I know that sounds a bit over the top... but those are the facts... the real time reality...

You are in a minefield... forget eggshells... be very careful...

Remember your long term goals... your intent here...

Absolutely morn your Sister... but at the same time... reserve a ration of emotional energy for your wife...
Hang in there LA, this will get much worse before it’s ever going to start to get better...

Prayers for you and your family tonight... “has been sent”...

Be Ever Stalwart  !

Red5

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that her first response was to attack.  I saw this in my relationship as well -- attacking instead of supporting.  I think Red5's assessment is spot on.  I'm glad to hear that she softened up a bit.  That's huge that she's got some self awareness and essentially apologized, even if she didn't use those words.  That is good.

Will you be traveling to a funeral?  Will she be coming with you?  She may have abandonment anxieties and cycle through more ups and downs.  If you can lean in and validate her, keep her anxieties down, etc., that might help set the stage for you to take care of mourning activities.

RC

[Harri]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

How are things going?  Have you been able to spend time with yourself or at least in some quiet?

[Lost in LA]

Hello all. I’m alive.

Just very tired. My wife, has been very, quiet, and I have been processing in with a new job. Thank you everyone, for the kind thoughts. We are still having flair ups but we have settled back into our familiar routine. Yes still on the couch. Not knowing which side of her will respond. I must have done some things right as I have had a bunch of positive messages from her aunt.

As for her ex, I have backed off from him as a support source. The loss far outweighs the benefit, in that equation.

Her son has really enjoyed my return and is calling and texting a lot more than he ever did. He has no knowledge of what went on. His dad had told me that I’m a very important factor in his sons life and he was so happy I was back. I have a very positive effect or affect on his son.

I did sleep pretty well last night.

[Harri]

Thanks for the update. 

I am glad to hear that things have settled to more manageable levels.

Hang in there.

[Radcliff]

Congrats on the new job, and glad you're sleeping well.  I'm sorry again for your loss.  Keep us posted.

RC

[Red5]

Hello all. I’m alive.

Good to hear LA!

Just very tired. My wife, has been very, quiet, and I have been processing in with a new job.

That's great news about your new position, this will improve things tremendously I feel, between you and your wife with this new development, don't process too much about her being quiet, just let it ride.

We are still having flair ups but we have settled back into our familiar routine.

I used to call them "brush fires"… not worth rolling out the heavy equipment, but not to be ignored either… a little listening here, a little validation there… then "overhaul the fire"… to ensure it doesn't "flare back up"… remember she is most likely still in "test LA mode", pw/BPD seem to do much better with routine.

Yes still on the couch. Not knowing which side of her will respond.

The couch is better than your truck, or someone else's couch in another state   … now that you understand that their are two versions (of her)… then when the "alter" appears, your not so surprised… be mindful of this (thumbs up emoji with hard hat on)...

As for her ex, I have backed off from him as a support source. The loss far outweighs the benefit, in that equation.

Smart move, as time passes, and the distance increases, you will have more "plausible deniability" in this sector of the equation.

Her son has really enjoyed my return and is calling and texting a lot more than he ever did.

His dad had told me that I’m a very important factor in his sons life and he was so happy I was back.

I have a very positive effect or affect on his son.

This means you have a good heart LA… being a positive role model to this boy, is a good thing… especially at his age.

I did sleep pretty well last night.

Good Chow - Proper Exercise - Good Sleep Patterns = good heath, both physically, and mentally.

There is an acronym "HALT"… means "hungry - angry - lonely - tired"… which can be a real problem, when you are in close proximity to pw/BPD… you will get worn down pretty quick, so prevent "HALT".

Keep Posting LA, you're doing just fine 

Red5

[Lost in LA]

Its been quiet then flair up with both barrels this morning. Her son came to stay for the week yesterday. He was so happy to see me. Sunday night he called me with some anxiety about coming to our house. His long standing as a kid was feeling guilty that he’s leaving the one parents home going to the other. This has been going on for awhile. I spoke to him about it and he felt better. My wife had texted me and asked if he called. I had told her in person before she went to work., but restated what had happened. She became very upset telling me he is her child and I should have woke her and not talked to him that I had no right.

Monday was pretty quiet after that. Later in the evening after he went to bed, she asked me if there was anything bothering me of if I needed to say something. I told her no. She replies that she’s trying to talk with me and I’m making it difficult.

After I had a long sleepless night, due to the dog,  she wakes comes out of our room, talks to her son and the dog. Then retreats to the bedroom to get ready for work. When leaving she did the same. She asked how the dog was and I told her he was up all night.

About 20 minutes after she left I get a blasting text that she’s tired of me complaining. That she will clear all of the purses out of the spare bedroom and I can sleep in there. That “ I slept fantastic for the month you were gone”  and finishes the thought by saying “so I know he was not up all night.”

I told her I won’t say anything else out the dog. Her reply was “that’s a true relationship”  I replied I didn’t understand..she replies it’s sarcasm.

I replied that I know I’m a guest here on a temporary basis. I will try harder not to upset you.

Her reply that’s how you look at it?
My reply no but you make it clear that’s what I am

She replies you want it temporary?

My reply no I want a very long term relationship

She changes subject

Then I get “ I’m really sorry about the jewelry thing I thought I could pay her later.

She had bought this cheap jewelry her cousin was selling online and she bought a bunch that we wouldn’t have enough for rent.

I gave her the money I had from selling things I had to cover the short fall

I replied she didn’t owe me any explanation or apology. It was her money.

Her reply was “WE are married, and I’m telling you I’m sorry I didn’t realize “

So that’s how my day started
Financially we are married, emotionally we are separate

[Red5]

So that’s how my day started
Financially we are married, emotionally we are separate

Morning LA!

I had a very similar morning with my own wife… over the phone,

I had to call her, well I guess I could have text, but I chose to call, some Tricare concerns, administrative stuff, and a question about my Sons primary provider, as she was "adjusting" that before we separated.

Anyways, the conversation slipped into "both barrels" territory… I engaged "tools" unsuccessfully at first, but with a degree of success alter into the call…

I found out a few tidbits of her "thoughts"… and she did say she loved me… but doesn't trust me, quite like your wife seems to be relating to you… as well ^above^.

At work now trying to concentrate… got a deadline of sorts I'm trying to meet… but as usual, my marriage is forefront in my mind, I'm sure you can relate…

Our problems stem around my autistic Son, she is "step-mom"… long story… I actually asked her this morning, as she was reloading her "birdshot, and "rock salt" into her ole' double barrel… I said, "I want you to tell me something "Q"… if my Son was not living with us...me, do you think we would get along any better?"… and to my absolute shock… she responded, "yes Red, things would be very different"… this saddens me very much… I cannot even process this right now…

Sounds like your wife is still "testing"… Skip said to me on another thread… I wanted to share it with you LA…

Red, you are doing much better. Its a little like letting someone with a lot of pend up anger punch out the Heavy Bag in the gym.

Red, if it helps, this is not necessary "BPD pathology".  This is resentment built up over years that is flowing out. It is testing the waters to see if anything has changed. It's probing the possibility to come home.

This is how it is when a relationship gets to Stage 4.  Take a minute to read this... its a roadmap of where you both were just a few weeks ago:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Excerpt

Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

Write this on your mirror... "Play the long game".  And underneath it write, "Don't set yourself up to be a doormat"

What does that mean?  

In short:

 *listen (which you are doing now; wow!)

 *don't invalidate (that's right, this is more important than validation right now)

 *don't trigger on anything - be strong as a rock  (you are doing now; fantastic!)

 *highlight her positive statements but don't overstep or overstate. Example, she is saying "if we get together" - stay in that realm, don't amp it up to "just move home".  Don't get over your skis.

 *take her up on things that connect - like looking at the house. Don't fight it, but use that together time to slowly seed the reality of a couple owning two homes/two mortgages, etc. Lightly explore your thoughts on remodeling your place "for you" and asking her help.

 *Don't validate significant things that will come to haunt you later - its OK to remain silent on things or if pushed to say you want to thing about it and restate her reasons/thinking to be sure you have it correct.

 *Buy her a little something sweet. Not big enough to create guilt or obligation. An orchid plant or something.

Does this help?

I really think posting what was said and how you reacted exactly will help... let people coach you through how you could have done it better so you have that knowledge for the next discussion.

... hang in there LA, and have a good day, Red5

[Radcliff]

Perhaps I'm old school, but in my experience text is a terrible form of communication to solve problems, especially in a BPD relationship.  What are your thoughts on giving her some validation, thanking her for sharing how she's feeling, and suggesting that you wait to talk about things in person?

RC

[Lost in LA]

I just dont like communicating via text. You can read ananything into a message. Her aunt is being more helpful. She let me know that my wife wanted a jewelry case that hangs on the door. So I went and bought one for her. She liked it and showed me what she she was putting in it. There was some tension when I found she spent 178 on costume jewelry. She did apologize, for spending that much.
Things are going slow. Not much communication going on.

I did end up taking a different job. Working security that I didnt want to do. But you have to pay the bills.

She seems to be flipping from Jekyll to hyde  and back much faster. I still get both barrels and over very simple things. As if she doesnt want to let go of the fighting.

Trying to work the long game everyday. Each day seems to be a new test.

[Lost in LA]

I guess my impatience is what I need to control. Her aunt is reporting to me there is progress even if my wife is not reporting it to me. The positives I see are I'm in the house, and I'm not being asked to leave. Her lashing out is still happening but not as frequently. When she does it's for things you never suspect. She no longer thinks I'm going to clean her out. When it comes down to it,  I guess I'm just missing my wife and we are in the same house.

[Radcliff]

That's great that the aunt is helping, and you can see progress, that she's not lashing out as frequently. 

Can you think of any things you can do to take the initiative?  Are there activities you can do with her or for her that are "known good" and likely to generate a win?  For my wife and I, it was gardening.  If I could get her to the garden store, then telling me where to dig holes and plant things, we were in good shape for a while.

Another trap I got into was orbiting around my house, trying to figure out how to make my wife happy, not willing to go out and do my own thing until she was happy.  I didn't do her or me any good by doing this.  Do you have any activities or friends that can get you out of the house a bit, so she has some space and/or misses you, and you get some other support and fun?

RC

[Red5]

Can you think of any things you can do to take the initiative?  Are there activities you can do with her or for her that are "known good" and likely to generate a win?  For my wife and I, it was gardening.  If I could get her to the garden store, then telling me where to dig holes and plant things, we were in good shape for a while.

#Me2, with us it was also plants, and checking out the local nurseries… picking out plants/shrubs, and trees to plant in the yard.

Also antiquing… I called it "junking".

What would be some of your wife's hobbies, and interests outside of the house LA, how close are you to "NOLA"… I know there is a whole lot to see and do down there : )

Keep posting, and remember its the "long game".

Hang in there LA, Red5

[Lost in LA]

Well work stepped in and pulled my mind to focus on that. An unusual result is she found it calming that I'm working. In a completely normal tone she says I do love you, I just need time for things to calm down. This is where i have been working on just taking the good as it comes and build on that. My wife is coming out of her safe haven more, still having some flair ups beyond my control. Things her son does or her sons father doesnt do. Yes diverted anger towards me, but I take it with a grain of salt.

So thoughts of doing things together. I suggested we start taking the dog for a walk. Shes more focused on her trip Thursday with her son to see her aunt in Florida.

Her aunt is still in the positive mode, but still family so I'm on guard.

I did have to work 6p to 6a last weekend and she told me she didnt like I was gone. The good thing is this weekend with be my last time do that...I'll be day turn m-f

So for now trying not to think too much

[Radcliff]

The job sounds good for both of you.  That's great that she's coming out of her safe haven more.  Remember not to coast when things are going better.  This is the time to work the tools and consolidate your gains.  It's good that she's letting you know about her concerns about her son and her ex.  Can you use these opportunities to validate her?  Have you read the article on validation?

[Lost in LA]

Rough couple days. She wanted to talk some. but I didnt see that it was an ambush.  So now just being quiet for a bit. My wife and her son leave Thursday to see her aunt in Florida. They will be back next Monday. Just struggling some. 

Money and the fact she didnt take my name after we married have been a hurtful spots for me. Especially because she still has her abusive ex husbands name. So out of the blue she says I'm not sure if I'm going to take my kids dads last name or my maiden name when I change my license. I told her that's hurtful to say knowing  I wanted you to have my last name. Her reply was good...

[Radcliff]

Ouch.  You kind of set yourself up for that one.  I'm sorry for the pain, though.  The name thing is a point of vulnerability for you.  I'd certainly feel the same in your shoes.  Share your feelings on it with us but for right now, not with her.

Can you tell us exactly how the "ambush" went down?  We can walk you through strategies to try to avoid a similar outcome next time.

RC

[Lost in LA]

It started as a nice conversation that turned quickly. "I just haven't decided what name I'm changing too" I asked what she was talking about, and she said my last name, its mine and I can make it be anything I want. Ouch, I didnt see it coming, and think she probably was thinking about it for awhile.

They left for Florida last Thursday, a long car ride to the airport. My wife only spoke to her son making it very awkward. She gave me a hug when they left which shocked me, and messaged at 3am that they arrived at her aunts.

The next day the nice messages stopped and she blasted me with the awkward car ride. Telling me it made her uncomfortable. I should have kown better. The messages she was sending had an audience. They evaluated my responses.

So we make it to Easter. My wife decides to tell me she going to start going to the gym we belong too. That she can now go since I get done at 2p I can be home and let the dog out and be home when her son gets home.  The sad part was that I wasn't invited. We had spoke about is doing things together, but this was not it. It ended up an all day argument to where her family told me I ruined Easter.

So now the odd part if this is not strange enough. Her aunt decides that they needed to inform my wife's 12 yo son of everything that has gone on since February.

Holy crap fits as why would you do that hes a kid. I was told that he was told that both my wife and I were right and both were wrong with everything that went on. Now the strange part is when my wife and step son were at the airport she seemed different.  Her texts were not filled with tone or anger. Plus she was actually being nice.

I'm wondering if by her son now knowing that it somehow is letting her let go of anger.  In the past weeks she would ask her son to do everything for her, getting her drinks or helping her that I used to do. I was basically no existant. Last night it was back to my wife asking for me.

Her son did ask me questions and we spoke some. He actually told me he was sorry and happy I was here. He said he had felt bad as he saw how she was being with me and that he understood why I left.

So that was my week in a whole. I should have been posting on here. I'm not strong enough to figure this out on my own yet.

[Lost in LA]

Things are still up and down. I forgot I was using the iPad, and this site pulls up in history. Her son needed to use it for school and my wife had to type in the address on the search bar. She saw the titles, that I moved out and want to go home, as well as my sister died.

She asked a out it and I told her it was nothing, just talking with friends. The next day she asked again and all I said it was a support group to help me understand things.

He son went back to his dads last night and today she wants to talk about our last argument. To me it's going to be her stating her point of view and for me to listen and not comment.

Just getting frustrated

[Red5]

Hey LA,

It started as a nice conversation that turned quickly. "I just haven't decided what name I'm changing too"… and she said my last name, its mine and I can make it be anything I want. Ouch, I didn’t see it coming, and think she probably was thinking about it for a while.

Just let that go, you have no control in this… a tool I learned… “observe, don’t absorb”…

… a long car ride to the airport… my wife only spoke to her son making it very awkward… She gave me a hug when they left which shocked me, and messaged at 3am that they arrived at her aunts.

I’ve gotten a few hugs over the last two weeks as well, one just the day before yesterday… after five months of being separated… enjoy what you can get… it did feel good, but nothing had changed really between us… so enjoy the “oxytocin exchange”… oxytocin and the “twenty-second hug”… although twenty seconds seems like a little long to me… maybe?… read up on oxytocin exchange!

The next day the nice messages stopped and she blasted me with the awkward car ride… telling me it made her uncomfortable. I should have known better.

Use the tool, ~observe, don’t absorb~… and don’t take it personally  … when you hear and feel her wheels leaving the preverbal tracks… another tool I’ve learned about… “AHA”… which is note immediately, become aware, and then halt any reaction you feel coming… and adjust… adjust your response accordingly, don’t make it worse, turn up the validation radar… listen, don’t react… ‘aware – halt – adjust (AHA)… adjust means select tool, and use it… don’t escalate the situation, “observe (listen), don’t absorb"…  

The messages she was sending had an audience… they evaluated my responses.

… wow… can you tell us more about this… was it multiple people on the text address bar?… were you privy to the “evaluation of your responses?

So we make it to Easter… my wife decides to tell me she going to start going to the gym we belong too… the sad part was that I wasn't invited. We had spoke about is doing things together, but this was not it. It ended up an all-day argument to where her family told me I ruined Easter.

… again… ~observe, don’t absorb~… she probably set a trap, even unwittingly… I would say, something supportive, positive… “that’s awesome babe, it will do you some good to have something just for yourself”… “physical exeresice is a great stress reducer, and it’s good for your cardiovascular health for sure (let out a smile as you say it)”… “I can cover home plate while you’re at the gym, what would you like for supper, anything I can get done for you meantime?”... or something along these lines… I read the other day… “the person who cares the least in a relationship, has the most power… take back your power, don’t be codependent”… this resonated in my helmet!… wow,

So now the odd part if this is not strange enough… her aunt decides that they needed to inform my wife's 12 year son of everything that has gone on since February.

… wow!, remember that Foo blood is thicker than water that’s been turned into wine!… careful with that.

Holy crap fits… as why would you do that he is a kid… I was told;… that he was told that both my wife and I were right and both were wrong with everything that went on… now the strange part is when my wife and step son were at the airport she seemed different… her texts were not filled with tone or anger... plus she was actually being nice.

What I’ve learnt about Foo is this, we as the outsider, second marriage types… may only be invited into the Foo inner circle periodically, but at the first sign of troubles… we will be ejected just as fast, and our security clearance will be revoked… as far as these Foo relationships, be careful... practice “opsec”… if you’re in their inner circle, that’s good, but don’t get too comfortable… that’s just the way it is… be aware, read the “message traffic” so to speak… and beware the comfort zone.

I'm wondering if by her son now knowing that it somehow is letting her let go of anger…  in the past weeks she would ask her son to do everything for her, - getting her drinks - helping her with things that I used to do-… I was basically no existent... last night it was back to my wife asking for me.

Don’t read, or think into that too much… just “roll with it”… I might even “ask” her for something… just to test the water temperature, “hun, will you bring me a ____ please”… a little assertion of my (your) position as husband of the household… maybe : )

Her son did ask me questions and we spoke some... he actually told me he was sorry and happy I was here… he said he had felt bad as he saw how she was being with me and that he understood why I left.

Be very careful here, never put yourself between her and her son (unwittingly)… answer questions yes, but use this mental template, never say anything to him that you wouldn’t say if she were standing right there with ya’ll…

So that was my week in a whole... I should have been posting on here. I'm not strong enough to figure this out on my own yet.

All of us together can find the answers, and provide each other strength and direction / advice… posting is important, I too have let off a little over the last few weeks…

Things are still up and down… I forgot I was using the iPad, and this site pulls up in history… she saw the titles, that I moved out and want to go home, as well as my sister died… she asked about it and I told her it was nothing, just talking with friends… the next day she asked again and all I said it was a support group to help me understand things.

… “opsec” is vital… but since she asked, be truthful… tell her you are working to make things better between you two… your working on “you”… I told my uBPDw that I was learning about “cognitive” thinking abilities, and “dialectic” skills & abilities in order to control my emotions, thought process and resultant actions  … but that said… cover your tracks, so you don’t get cornered when she is in a mood, a dysregulative state… BPD is much about control, due to abandonment issues… the core wound means that they don’t trust easily… a lot of internal turmoil… so they control, any and all around them… in order to feel safe… ie’ “don’t clean me out” she said… yes, cover your tracks… delete history, watch what “machine” you are using to access this and any other website… we’ve all probably made this mistake LA… live and learn.

He son went back to his dads last night and today she wants to talk about our last argument… to me it's going to be her stating her point of view and for me to listen and not comment.

… so how did that go?… remember, don’t connect (take it personal) too close to the verbal and emotional… just listen, don’t take it in (personal)… “the long game”… ~observe, don’t absorb~… and be “aware, halt, and adjust” (aha)… ie’ cognitive, and dialectic abilities to take on, process, and act accordingly when you get in the “ring” with her… she is going to test, test , and test some more… also, now that her son is gone for a few days, the other big BPD’ism, is fear of engulfment… the push/pull… coupled with control issues… be mindful (cognitive) in your thinking process as this unfolds (she wants to talk about our last argument)… all ahead slow…

Just getting frustrated…

… we all do LA… keep posting : )

Red5
 

[Lost in LA]

I've been quiet for a bit. Haven't said much to my wife and she saw that as progress. I'm still on the couch. Today is two months. In my mind I see couples talking about things. In our reality that cant happen. The minute I try, boom it's like we are right back in the fight.  Just feeling beat up today...

[Red5]

I've been quiet for a bit.

You should use the quiet times to recharge your batteries, and to recalibrate your “cognitive processes”… and to brush up on your “dialectic responses” (tools)…

Haven't said much to my wife and she saw that as progress.

Good, “don’t push”… let her set that pace, try your level best LA to be completely comfortable in your own skin so to speak, keep the term “long game” in your forefront thinking.

I'm still on the couch.

Again, “all ahead slow”… let her set the pace, and don’t ever let on or act that the sleeping arrangements “bother you”… as she would pick up on that, and it would result in further dysregulation perhaps… remember that you are “back in the house”… and leave it at that.

Today is two months.

… two months, is about sixty days, try to put it to yourself as the “least” rather than a “long” period of time… you were in the service as was I… sixty days is not really a long time… but nine months at sea certainly is!… compare the “time served” to another life event, so as to de-dramatize it in your mind.

In my mind I see couples talking about things.

So do I… but you have to factor in the ‘borderline’ element… which changes the ‘norm’… or the ‘standard’…

In our reality that cant happen.

… exactly, hang in there.

The minute I try, boom it's like we are right back in the fight.

The more you try (push)… the more she will back up, or even run, or… her flight-fight is activated.

… I was reading about ‘’emotional attunement’’ the other day…, “the intermittent positive reinforcement common in dysfunction fraught relationships that causes the person who cares the most to cling onto hope that things might get better.”

I read… there are three types of relationship dynamics characterized by power imbalances and power struggles.

They are:
(1.) Demand-withdrawal;… (2.) Distancer-pursuer; and (3.) Fear-shame.

“In the *demand-withdraw dynamic:… One partner seeks control through criticism, complaints, or coercion, while the other seeks control through distraction or isolation. Demand-withdraw is mainly about power: Who will control whom. One partner is aggressive while the other may be passive-aggressive . . . Eventually, the demander give up, out of exhaustion, resignation, despair, or even bitter contempt. At that point, the withdrawer often picks up the slack with their own demands, prompting the other partner, the demander, to disengage”

*Distancer-pursuer “When the pursuer tires of being rejected, gives up in frustration and stops pursuing, the distancer may actually switch roles and become the pursuer, role reversal... so at last, the distancer now has power in the relationship... so sometimes the two circles briefly overlap until the distancer begins distancing once again... this dynamic can become extremely toxic, and an endlessly repetitive cycle until the distancer becomes bored, or even despondent…  or the pursuer reaches their pain threshold.

* Fear-shame.… “Individuals in the relationship who feel chronic shame typically respond with either aggression and, or perhaps withdrawal. When the shamed lashes out in anger and... or withdraws in order to regain a sense of power in the relationship (perceived stability), the shamer then experiences anxiety... and not necessarily because the shamed poses a physical or emotional threat, but because the shamer feels a loss of control over the shamed... then the shamer… then attempts to reclaim power by escalating their shaming verbal and non-verbal communication.”

“And what is power in the relationship?... this is the person who cares the least or exerts, and or has the most power over the other person... the person who has the power thinks (in their mind) they won’t get hurt... and holding the power doesn’t seem to make them especially happy either, however.

Hoarding power by criticizing, shaming or pushing away someone who loves you, will eventually result in the _loss of love and being hurt._… seeking love from someone who’s incapable of being an equal partner… or who refuses to share power, will eventually result in the compounding of those old childhood wounds of feeling unloved, inadequate and unwanted.”… Hmmm, “childhood wounds”… Borderline is a result of trauma (?), perhaps childhood trauma… your wife LA (?),

** You’re an investigator LA… !

I picked these out of what I was reading (following)...

"Emotional attunement is what makes healthy relationships possible, in which power is shared."

"Emotional attunement is the experience of feeling empathy for and connection to oneself and others.  *The former is a prerequisite of the latter."

"Emotional attunement is the ability to hear, see, sense, interpret and respond to someone, both verbally and non-verbally. This is how we communicate to the people we are close to so that we see them, feel with them and understand their experiences. In practice, attunement is when we engage with someone else’s feelings and in that moment, they feel us and we are no longer alone but connected"…

… a good read : )

Just feeling beat up today...

You are going to have a lot of days like this LA… this is tough stuff, and I am afraid part and parcel in a relationship with a person whom is a a borderline, you have to learn how to live alongside, but not always connected to them… you should read this post over on conflicted… link -> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336368.0

Hang in there and keep posting, Red5

[Lost in LA]

Distancer-pursuer. In a way this makes more sense. I was told a few things yesterday while again being in speaker phone with her aunt. The main feeling was she was completely devastated that I left In February. So when I came back I tried so very hard. When we dont talk she calms and shares a lot with her aunt. So when I say something, defensive walls are up. I was able to communicate that she was making me totally miserable. And much to my surprise her aunt said she knew that and wish my wife wasnt doing that. As quickly as my wife tried to end the call her aunt told her she needed to listen as well, and made her listen.

So some partial minute relief. So we are back to silence again. Back to work for me tomorrow, (monday) time to regroup. And consider a new path. Using silence as a friend, and work very hard on no reaction to her comments. She is a pro in drawing a reaction. No more letting myself get upset, while she dials her aunt so she can listen with out me knowing.

Taking a deep breath...

[Red5]

LA,

You were on my mind the other day, and I thought you should read this book, if you haven't already… it was very insightful to me.

A review of this book is here on the "Book Review Board"… here is a link, ->
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149336.0

The title is,
"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship"
-1st Edition…
*Shari Y. Manning   (Author), *Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)

It is full of tools (descriptions)… and skill scenarios, it really helped me to understand more, right along the lines as "Stop Walking On Eggshells" did the first time I read that book.

Get your hands on this book!… I actually found an MP3/CD version on ebay…

Hope all is well LA,

Read that book !…

Kind Regards, Red5

[Lost in LA]

Thank you Red. Having good days and bad. That's to be expected. She did shock me and bought a Fathers Day card so her son could give it to me. It's a slow process, one day I'm a turd to her and the next shes laughing.  I guess I'm working on myself more, trying not to take it personally.

[Lost in LA]

Really struggling today. When things seem better, its almost like she creates drama tonkeep us in a constant state of stress..