The woman I love often makes me feel like I'm drowning

[Baehl]

A little over a week ago, I told my girlfriend that I felt hopeless, scared, and exhausted; that I thought it best that we split up. This destroyed both of us.

How did we get here?

We met a little over a year and a half ago and it was truly love at first sight. We felt such a connection. Unlike anything we had ever felt before.

The problems started cropping up nearly immediately.

A month in she cheated on me with her ex (I forgave her because this ex had manipulated her for the past 10 years and she had developed some mental trauma due to that). She also had a long, painful history of abuse from her father and brother and potentially her mother (through inaction).

She would fly off the handle and not acknowledge her actions. She would lean into drinking and fall into pits of despair so deep she struggled to even hear me. She would hurt herself just to feel something. She would go from happy to frustrated and annoyed in a moments notice.

I forget exactly why we broke up the first time, I believe it was because I felt scared that she was not on a path towards acceptance of her actions and change. That she would hurt me over and over and not be able to understand that she was doing so. That lasted about 2-3 months. We got back together briefly but I ended it after New Years for the same reason. I was not seeing change or internal growth. I feared the same pain.

This time it lasted about 4 months. During which I started to see some real acknowledgement/change in her and her approach toward things. I saw acceptance that I could trust.

This would last unbroken and with many happy moments in between, talk of marriage and children and futures. It would also happen to be when her illnesses and underlying trauma would reach their true form and start to try to take control more and more.

Throughout the past year there has been so much happiness and yet so much pain and frustration and sadness and worry. To her credit, near the end she had started to take these things seriously and started to seek answers to the behaviors she now acknowledged. I was just too scared of the feeling of drowning trying to hold her head above water. And I held her up because I loved her more than anything, more than I loved myself. I wanted her to be happy, and to smile, to laugh. I became exhausted.

I felt I had no other choice but to end things. To save myself. I felt awful, guilty. I felt like I had given up on her.

I recently made the decision that rather than fully break up we would separate, take time to focus our energies on learning how we can approach all of this. At the end of this break a determination will be made as to whether or not I feel safe and confident that I can be happy in this relationship. Confident that she will be able to take a more hand on approach with her illnesses and learn to stand on her own two feet with it, much more than before where I felt I was always holding her up. Perhaps I should feel some shame in that mentality.

She is already committed to finding a counselor and a program that handles BPD specifically. And here I am laying my heart out in the hopes that I can find some hope.

Am I on the right path? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.   You have found a place where people understand and just get it. 

I think the path, as you describe it, is a good one if you focus your efforts not just on her but on yourself as well.  I am not saying you have been doing anything wrong though    I am simply saying that there are typically things both parties are doing that add to the dysfunction.  On this board, the Bettering a Relationship board, we focus on using tools and strategies that can help in improving things for us and often the relationship.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) can be a challenge as it can with any person.   Learning how to better communicate can go a long way. 

So yes, there is room for hope!  We have seen a lot of relationships turn around for the better, even some that seemed hopeless.

Can you tell us what you find the most difficult to deal with?  What sort of internal struggles do you deal with when interacting with her?

As you share more we can trouble shoot and recommend things to try.

Good to have you here!