Confusion with trying to start dating again

[Dotner]

Hello all,

I took a long hiatus from dating after my last relationship with a man who definitely had BPD tendencies, if not an uBPD himself. We lived together for a year and a half after 2 years of "idealization", and boy did it do a number on me emotionally. I also have an uBPD mother, and I'd say I've been working on healing from that for quite a while. I've made lots of progress, but now I'm starting to think more about attempting a romantic relationship again and dating. So, the ex popped up and realization that he was very similar to my mother (duh, took me a while to get that one).

I'm reading all this material on the red flags of possible BPD behavior when you start dating, and I know all about the phases of a BPD's relationships...I am starting to feel completely overwhelmed/confused/unsure of myself. Many of the BPD "red flags" sound like me, but my therapist has reassured me that I do not have BPD, which sometimes I worry about.  Everything is so intermixed between a family member of someone with BPD and the person him/herself.

Is there any book or resource that can help me figure it out? I tend to go to resources when in doubt. Or any thoughts? I guess I'm looking for reassurance. Because now I am feeling that "what if it is me?" thought that I have a habit of asking.

Thanks for helping me think...
Dotner

[once removed]

hi Dotner,

I'm reading all this material on the red flags of possible BPD behavior when you start dating, and I know all about the phases of a BPD's relationships...

healthy dating is less about looking for warning signs and people to avoid, and more about identifying what it is you want in a partner, being a person that can meet your own standards, and developing the skills to attract it, with confidence.

Many of the BPD "red flags" sound like me

"red flag", to me, is a term thrown around so much that its become nearly meaningless. as you get to know a person, any person, you are going to learn some things that might give you pause, and youre going to disclose some things that might give another person pause. its all a part of bonding and getting to know someone.

when it happens, its a good idea to assess. is what has been disclosed a personal deal breaker? has the person communicated a significant clash in values with you? have they disclosed something that might suggest they arent what youre looking for long term?

these things take practice. dont be too surprised if you bark up the wrong tree a few times. i did. these days, im less concerned with getting involved with a dysfunctional person than falling into my own dysfunctional relationship patterns, and making hard choices when im dealing with a dead end relationship.

I tend to go to resources when in doubt.

there are lots of good books on healthy dating, but they cant tell you who and how you are, or what you want in a relationship.

i would encourage you to spend some time here, exploring what you want in a partner and in a relationship, working out what your values are, which ones you are willing to reconsider/compromise, what your deal breakers are, where your dating skills need improving.

when you have those things down, dating is a fearless, and rewarding experience.

[Dotner]

Thanks, Once Removed.

Clearly I'm totally in need of some perspective.  I appreciate the thoughts--focusing on my own values and priorities is a good place to start.

[zachira]

The healthier you become emotionally, the better people you will attract. Those of us who struggle with attracting the wrong type of people need to look inward and develop our self confidence to demonstrate to others that we value ourselves. When I was struggling with attracting the wrong kind of men, my therapist advised me to stay present when in the company of these men and to notice my feelings and thoughts. I followed her advice and it has helped me to stop idealizing the wrong men, to be so hungry for love that I overlook red flags that a person with better self esteem would view as a deal breaker. You are asking the right questions and slowing down to learn more about yourself and what you want. Be patient, present, open to feedback, learning everything you can about how healthy relationships work, and with time you will gradually surround yourself with the right kind of people and repel those who are not worthy of you.

[once removed]

focusing on my own values and priorities is a good place to start.

this is a good board to do it! why not open up a thread to discuss things like values and get some feedback?