Discarded and Recycling.

[Wicker Man]

I think the statistic is over 70% of the members here on BPD Family are depressed. 

Of late it has struck me how defeatist some of the terms used in the culture of speaking about relationships with people suffering from BPD or exhibiting BPD traits.

I was not discarded --She broke up with me.

I was certainly not a victim --I was a will participant in our relationship.

When early on she broke up with me we reconciled -- We didn't recycle.

I was not her supply nor was she mine.  We were significant others in a badly dysfunctional relationship.

I understand this is a culture of sorts and within this culture a vernacular has grown.  These terms seem to be common across all of the message boards for people who tangled with a BPD significant other.  However, these terms strike me as defeatist, damning and further could they not be perpetuating a feeling of depression?

In my mind if I am a willing participant in an activity, no matter how stupid that activity maybe, I do not look at myself as a victim.  If I go sailing from my bike and tumble down a mountainside I am not the mountain's victim.  Now if someone drags me up a mountain and throws me off the side this a different case.

I may not be discarded.  Someone can leave me, perhaps even with brutality -but I will never give someone the power to discard me.

I am currently reconciling my marriage -this is not a recycle, because this time around things must be different and I do not presume failure.

It has taken me a year for my mild depression to pass and I took the journey out of depression very seriously.  I had never been depressed and frankly I didn't like it much. Part of passing through depression and coming out the other side, in my opinion, is holding tight to one's self worth.  In order for me to retain my sense of self and my value as a human being I am very careful in the words I use to describe and define myself.

“Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.” --Yehuda Berg

Wicker Man

[once removed]

wise words, WM!

[Wicker Man]

Once Removed -It took me over a year and hundreds upon hundreds of posts to come to this realization. I had (I believe) never used any of the terms myself,  but accepted them as part of the culture here. 

One of our members a few days ago used the term 'discarded' -I at first accepted it as I always had -but something about it was unnerving.  I went out riding, as I usually must do after thinking about my relationship, and I had this notion.

We are all here because we experienced enough emotional bear mauling to last a lifetime. 

Many of us took a full broadside to our self-worth and self-esteem; We must not perpetuate by any means further erosion of self.


Wicker Man

[once removed]

We must not perpetuate by any means further erosion of self.

no. but we should face the hard aspects of our relationships and recoveries.

"discard" is often a term used to describe something that was inevitable, that we had no role in, and in a way that over pathologizes a breakup. i was left, brutally, like you say, but there was a lot more to it than BPD, or a buzzword (i think she was cowardly and weak in how she went about it, but she broke up with me for valid reasons), and in the later stages of recovery, it helped me to examine that.

most of these are internet buzzwords that confuse more than help bring understanding.

[Wicker Man]

...we should face the hard aspects of our relationships and recoveries.

I agree I am by no means a proponent of the 'Ostrich Policy'.  Repression can lead to depression or worse problems down the road.

most of these are internet buzzwords... ...confuse more than help bring understanding.

Well said -I completely agree.  Kids today and their fancy interwebs jargon...  Get off my lawn...

"discard" is often a term used to describe something that was inevitable, that we had no role in, and in a way that over pathologizes a breakup.

For me discard does not have an implication of speed or abruptness.  I favor poleaxed.  For me poleaxed has always had the connotation of being dealt a single swift and mortal blow.  Maybe excised?  I remember when she said 'We have nothing more to talk about' I literally could not believe my ears... Poleaxed 

Anyway... a rose by any other name... Simply awful no matter what you call.  Finding a relationship to be very suddenly and out of the blue lying on its side burning in a pile of rubble -it is mind snapping.

Once Removed thank you for taking time to offer your insight.