Wondering if I should reach out to DD after a terrible fight 3 weeks ago

[Enoi20]

Hello Everyone,

I wanted your advice on whether or not to reach out to my BPD DD after having a terrible fight with her 3 weeks ago. I shared what transpired with Mirsa, who really helped me feel better about things, and now I just miss her and my grandkids terribly.
As Mirsa knows, I went from my home in CA to my BPD DD home in Texas to help her with the house, kids, and her after her having surgery.  The first week went really well, I cooked, cleaned, cared for my two grandchildren and DD, took them to school, picked up, bought groceries, helped with homework, etc.  Everyone seemed happy, including my Son-in law who I cooked special meals for so that he wasn't stuck eating the bland foods that my BPD DD instructed me to give to the kids. I followed the very long list DD had given me on bedtimes, foods for breakfast, lunch and dinners, etc. On the evening of the sixth day my DD came into the kitchen and started yelling at me in front of the kids and her husband, they were eating dinner, she accused me of feeding the kids and her husband s%*t food! She opened the pantry and ranted that I bought too much food, went through the refrigerator and did the same, cursing and yelling saying that I had no boundaries, that she had told me not to feed the kids high fatty foods or candy.  I had not bought them candy btw, their father had.  I tried to tell her that she was wrong, that I had tried to stick to her list as much as humanly possible. I did get my granddaughter a couple of very small Frappuccino's that week after picking her up from school, I really couldn't help but spoil her and my grandson just a tiny bit since I hadn't seen them in 6 months. I tried to tell my DD this but she wouldn't listen, just kept attacking. I left the room to escape her, I felt so hurt and embarrassed at being treated this way by her. I decided I could not stay another week, scheduled my flight for the following day and let my Son-in law know that I was sorry to do it but I could not stay after what had happened.  His response was, "I'm sorry to hear that." Not once did he try to calm my DD down, or even say, "Hey, she didn't buy the kids candy, I did." I was hurt by both their behaviors, him for saying nothing, and my DD for acting this way in front of the whole household. When my BPD DD found out I was leaving things got even worse, she accused me of abandoning her "again," something that I have never done in my life. I told her that I had never abandoned her and that the reason I was leaving was because of the way she spoke to me in front of her whole family. Her response was that it wasn't about me, it was about her, that they had flown me out there to take care of her, so it was about her not me. I once again walked away. I left the next day, my grandson will probably never forgive me for leaving, he's 13 and we've always had a very close relationship, but it seems he is easily manipulated by is mother, and I don't have the heart to tell him the truth, which would create a rift between he and his mom. We haven't spoken since, I miss talking with my grandson and granddaughter, I miss talking with my BPD DD, I love them all but feel that I could not sit back and take that kind of behavior from DD. I have moments when I want to call DD but then I wonder if I do will she even pick up, will she start the blaming and shaming again, I'm just not sure what to do if anything. I am also afraid that if I give in as usual, and take the blame for everything so that they are all still a part of my life, I wouldn't be helping anyone.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I'd really appreciate any advice you all might have.

Thanks Everyone

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Enoi20 and Welcome to  bpdfamily!

I'm so sorry for the reason you are here but I am glad you reached out for support. What you went through at your DD's home sounds terrible and I'm so sorry it happened, and that you haven't had contact with your DD and her family since.

There are no cut and dry answers for any of this stuff, unfortunately, but maybe we could help you decide what to do, reach out or not, by talking about it here.

If you reached out, and if your DD answered the phone, what would you like to say? Let's start there 

Again, welcome! I'm glad you're here.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello e20. I join OH in welcoming you here. You have come to the right place for help and support. I am so sorry your daughter attacked you like she did and her husband did not defend you. That must have felt horrible when all you were doing was trying to help. As for whether to call, I would wait. First take some time to sort out your own feelings, maybe with the help of a therapist, so that your own boundaries will be in place and your expectations will be realistic when you do talk. Does that feel right to you?