How I feel and what to do next...

[Hiscaru]

Hello everybody, I'm going to preface this by stating that I know I didn't do anything wrong, and what I'm feeling is a result of losing someone that I had thought I was going to have a future with.

My ex and I split up a little over a month ago. She cheated on me, plain and simple, however something I wasn't expecting was the lack of remorse or guilt, at least she didn't express this towards me. We dated for a little over two years, did a lot together and I did a lot specifically for her. I basically shut my life down. I planned every day to revolve around her, not because she wanted to, but because I was addicted to her and in love with her.

To give this story some meaning and background, she is a tad younger then me, I'm nineteen and she's seventeen. We went through two years of high school together and this year was my first year at college, although it's a community college so I'm  close. Previous to our breaking up, she had informed me that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADHD, and ADD which I later found out she was lying about through her mother. She was someone that took out her stress and expressed her depression through self harm, and I was the only one that could talk her out of it. I didn't feel trapped thought, like most people would expect, for some reason I found great comfort in being able to help her.

Upon hearing that she cheated on me, twice, I was heartbroken, torn into pieces, and absolutely destroyed. I couldn't find a single answer as to why someone I was with for over two years and cared for would hurt me like this. I'm not a soft guy, but this, this ruined me. When I found out I stormed out of my house and made the biggest mistake I could have possibly made, I went to her "friends house" and picked her up, screaming at her through the phone that I knew and that I was coming to get her. She got into my car, high, and didn't seem to feel the slightest bit bad. We went to my house, and we talked. We talked for hours, she cried, I cried, but I think it was for two different reasons. I asked her if she still loved me, and at this point she told me "idk" so I followed up by asking if she loved the other guy, her response was "yea a little."

After that I simply drove her home, hugged her goodbye, and tried to move on with my life. I couldn't. All that was on my mind was her, how she laughs, how she would hug me and kiss me, and how she would be there for if I ever needed her to be. She was honestly my first REAL love, I've had girlfriends in the past, but nothing like this.

After that day, I couldn't keep myself together. I made every effort to attempt to "win her back" from this other guy. I attended her sport games, I drove her to and from school, but I never hung out with her, not like before. When I did these things, it almost felt normal, it felt like nothing was wrong, until I found out she was going over to the other guys house consistently. This changed my approach, I no longer thought we were salvageable. i looked at her as a different person entirely.

How can someone who you dedicated your whole life too, changed how you were as a person, and was your person, just toss you aside without any reasonable justification. yes there may have been and underlying issue that I'm simply unaware of but I assure you it was nothing that would justify what she did instead of just talking about it reasonably. Age was not an issue whilst it may seem like it would be. I get it, she's in high school, she'll do high school things, parties, immature, etc... but it wasn't like that at all. She was free to do whatever she wanted, I wasn't controlling nor was would I impede on her plans, and likewise for me. It was a healthy relationship until it changed drastically to this. I guess I would just like to know what your opinions are on the matter, was I in the wrong? was she in the wrong? Is she ashamed of what she did? and should I even think about contacting her again in the future? if you guys have any other questions about the whole situation I'm more then happy to answer them to provide some clarity.

[clvrnn]

Hey Hiscaru,

I’ve read your story and this girl cheated on you, right? OK. You then go on to ask what we on this forum think, and whether it was your fault or hers. I want to ask, what is it that you think might be your fault?

[Hiscaru]

Well in my mind someone cheats because of something that’s missing or wrong with the current relationship. I couldn’t tell you why, maybe I wasn’t giving her enough attention I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t know what to think anymore.

[clvrnn]

Well in my mind someone cheats because of something that’s missing or wrong with the current relationship. I couldn’t tell you why, maybe I wasn’t giving her enough attention I don’t know.

Hey. I can see why you might think that. It's easy to feel like that; I think, if I were in your position, I may feel like that too. But really it isn't your fault, it's just your brain looking for an explanation as to how someone could intentionally cause you this much pain. It's not your fault at all; the person who cheats on someone is to blame, 100%.

[Hiscaru]

It's been a long month to be honest, some days I'm over her, some days I'm not. It's clear she has no intention of ever even talking to me, just as a friend. I guess it's hard for me to wrap my head around how someone who you thought was going to be your future one second, can discard you and n feel any remorse.

[once removed]

Well in my mind someone cheats because of something that’s missing or wrong with the current relationship.

maybe this is true, maybe it isnt. but i think that its an important distinction from the idea that something is wrong about you as a person, or that you deserved to be cheated on. those can be hard to separate...we take it very personally because how can we not.

you mention that age is not an issue. what is a significant issue with someone with BPD traits is a level of impulsivity, and difficulty with stress (which you also mention). at the age of 17, this is a person just on the cusp of the long journey to even know whom she is, and someone who shows signs of difficulty coping, like cutting.

my ex and i were young as well. we were both 21 when we got together, and 24 when we broke up. our own youthful immaturity, in addition to things about each of us, was a significant factor in how our relationship played out and how we handled it.

it may be that the initial cheating was impulsive. regardless, it would create complicated feelings that she would have great difficulty navigating or working through (and more so than others her age). and as has been suggested, sometimes, while its not the emotionally mature move, it can be easier to start fresh. it can be difficult to grasp, let alone face, the hurt you are doing to the person on the receiving end.

i know that takes very little sting out of what has happened to you, but i know that in the long run, better understanding helped me a lot. youre a young man. you mention that this was your first love. while i can tell you that there will be others, i think its very important that you emotionally work through this as you are trying to do, and completely grieve and heal from this relationship with new understanding. there is a risk that we all face, that we internalize these injuries, and carry them as baggage into future relationships.

hang in there man. youre gonna get through this.

[Hiscaru]

I appreciate your responses, they mean a lot to me. And yea I suppose that maybe she did think starting fresh would be the best thing, or maybe she flipped the whole situation around to make me look like the bad guy, god only knows what she's telling people. I guess since she most likely has BPD, she needs to make it look like im in the wrong in order to make herself feel better, at least that's what Ive heard.