I was unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster

[Eve_of_Dante]

Hi everyone,

I came across this site via Google while researching BPD.

I have been in my current relationship for a year, and have known my partner for 18 months. I left a normal, stable relationship when I met my partner, and was unprepared for the rollercoaster.

We met at work; when we met, he was quiet and uncommunicative. I dismissed him as a "douche". I knew we had similar hobbies, so I made an effort to talk to him. However, I soon found myself feeling completely in love, and left my relationship a month after meeting. At this point, I declared my feelings, but he turned me down, though he continued to message me.

The first inkling of trouble was when two of my co-workers were discussing how he was hitting on one of them at an office party. I found this hilarious because I did not consider it to be the case at all, and told my now partner all about the gossip, thinking he would be in on the joke. He decided that everyone was laughing at him and refused to speak to me for 2 weeks. After that, he let me down on a couple of trips to the cinema, before eventually inviting me round 4 months after we met. We spent the evening together and had sex.

After that, we continued to meet more and more frequently. There were various set backs, such as when I was in hospital for a week and he didn't visit until day 6, as I had said that the sex had been bad in a message. I also had a male friend that I texted to discuss sex with, while encouraging him to find a girlfriend, which my partner considered to be cheating on him.

He became jealous of my seeing other men and we spent more and more time together. At one point he accidentally hit my nose/ eye during an argument and gave me a black eye, which caused some comment at work. We had not spent a day apart in 5 months when he discovered that I had read one of his comics without requesting permission. At that point, he dumped me for lying, before taking me back after 2 days of my begging.

I then tried to leave him a month later, and he begged me to stay and said that he knew he had behaved badly and would change. He bought a book on anger management and signed up for counselling.

6 weeks after that, I went to play games with a friend who often warned me that he was abusive. Because of this, my partner and friend had a deep dislike of each other. He was convinced my friend was trying to make him lose his job, and spent the week asking me not to attend her birthday. I went without telling him and he packed all my stuff and left it outside my house. I went back and begged him to change his mind and he called the police when I would not leave.

A week later, he came to drop off the last of my possessions and we spoke and reunited.

Most recently, he dumped me.last week for 4 days when he discovered that I was still talking to my friend, after he went through my mobile while I was phoning my mum from his landline.

I worried for a long time that he was a narcissist abuser, but now I think that he has BPD, so I'm trying to learn how to minimise the bad times.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyoctopus]

Well, sweetheart, you are in the right place for support and knowledge. All of us wounded have been right there where you are, or are in it now.

I'll let others who are better at it explain things, but I can attest I have been here through all of my years of NPD abuse, aka the rollercoaster. I finally got the courage to leave but it took a long time. It also takes a long time to recover after you leave.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. Learning to take care of yourself first is one of the most important steps you can take.

Take care.

[once removed]

hi Eve_of_Dante, and

the two of you work together, do i have that right?

was four days ago the last time that you spoke, or did you get back together?

[Eve_of_Dante]

Hi !

Thanks everyone for the welcome.

We did work together, but my managers didn't want us together in the office. They offered me a job (I was temping at the time) but only if I worked in another office. I turned them down and spent 3 months unemployed until I was offered a job at the same workplace. I now work in an office 3 mins walk away from him.

We reunited after the last dumping for 4 days, but I am now away with my family for Easter, so we have a week apart.

This is what happened during the last breakup (now reconciled): he dumped me on the Weds evening, after we walked home from work together and I went to call my mum from his landline. He went through my mobile while I was on the line and found that I was still talking to my friend who he hates. I heard him banging the pots more and more as he washed up in the other room. Then he deposited a bag by the door, which turned out to have my possessions in it. I begged him to let me stay but he eventually drove me home with my stuff after saying he hated me and wanted me gone from his life.

I texted him and tried going back later on that evening, to no avail. I then spent Thursday begging and went round that evening. Again, my pleading got no results. I texted on Friday and found him at lunchtime. He told me to stop harassing him at work and that he didn't want me in his life. After that, I left him alone, except to text in response to his texts. Saturday morning he texted and said he would see me Sunday. On Sunday he picked me up and acted as though nothing had happened.

I had wanted to be with him at the weekend because he had his 2 year old daughter with him and he worries about looking after her on his own and his parents and sister were away. (They usually visit at the weekend to help look after the daughter). Otherwise I would not have pressed on Thursday evening or Friday lunch.

The thing that hurts me so much about this time is how calculated it feels. I know I should be grateful that he acted like nothing had happened instead of yet another evening crying and begging, but it seems like he already made up his mind to be with me Sunday but chose to spend Saturday without me.

I think it's because he had been invited to his friend's birthday at the pub and he was scared to tell me because we have argued over her before as he described her as "sexy". He told me that he had been planning to ask me to go with him to the pub until I betrayed him, but I think he was scared of arguing over it, so found a reason to dump me until it was over. Somehow this thought hurts me more than if I think about him having an emotional response to my actions.

[Sandb2015]

Eve_of_Dante,

I'm sorry you're going through this, please read and write as much as possible, there's so much to learn.

Don't necessarily be grateful for him forgetting...you weren't treated well, you know that.  Are you forgetting?

[Eve_of_Dante]

I'm just finding it over to get over this last temporary dumping. It just came out of nowhere after a happy day together. And he said that his daughter kept asking for me all weekend. He made her weekend worse by excluding me. And he would have taken me back on Saturday if he hasn't had other plans. Ugh. I wish I could just erase my memories of the unhappy times.

I tried to accept the time apart. Tried to take the opportunity to do things I usually give up to be with him. But it hurt to miss out on all that time together when I knew I would be travelling this week anyway.

He keeps texting to say that he is ill and lonely. He could be less lonely if he didn't keep dumping me.

I suppose the main thing I want to work on is coping better with being dumped for a while. Then trying to recover from it more quickly and deal with the hurt of it, rather than the hurt lingering and causing me to feel resentment.

[Sandb2015]

Eve_of_Dante,

Coping with the discomfort, pain, hurt and confusion is best for now.

Do you want him to contact you? Are you available to have a rs with him.  This isn't easy for anyone, even the strongest.

Read and read and read, so much to know regardless of your position...

[Eve_of_Dante]

Sometimes when he dumps me I start looking for other relationships. I'm very scared of being alone. But whenever I start to connect with anyone else, I miss him, and realise that no-one else can be to me what he is to me. I feel so connected to him, and I love the qualities in him that come from BPD - his love of beauty in the world; the way he can be moved to tears by nature etc. How extremely he loves me when he does love me.

[Eve_of_Dante]

I guess what I want to figure out is how to get over my resentment, so that I can be loving and happy each time I see him, and thus bring out the best in him. How do I get over it each time he hurts me?

[Sandb2015]

Eve_of_Dante,

Resentment is deep seeded and usually a culmination of other unresolved things.  

Do you want to keep getting over it every time he hurts you?  Can you deal with the impending hurt that is on the way?

It may take a little more than dealing with resentment, that builds up.  

Perhaps some boundaries so you don't need to get hurt and still stay connected?

[Eve_of_Dante]

So, after I wrote the above posts, things were good for some time. Better than they had ever been. We got back together after Easter and I could tell he was trying really hard. I eventually got over my resentment, and we were generally very happy, bar the occasional message or rant at me telling me to leave him alone.

But yesterday we had another big argument.  We were on holiday and we went to walk around a reservoir. While there he mentioned something he used to do in the past with a woman who had a crush on him. He says I went silent and walked off. I would say that I was quiet (I struggle with jealousy. It's one of my main faults.) But still talking to him. I would say he dropped behind me, rather than me walking off. I looked around and he was sat on a bench. I thought he might need time alone so I went to the toilet and then came back.

 He hit the roof and said I had ruined the holiday by being quiet and that leaving him alone was the worst thing I could do. He told me to go home and leave him to enjoy the holiday alone.

 I spent hours begging him to reconsider. After 3 hours he relented because we needed to eat dinner. Things  thawed but I had trouble getting over how hurt I was that he had yelled at me for 3 hours on our holiday over something he had initiated (dropping away on our walk). I was quiet and found it hard to engage. He didn't initiate any conversations or show any affection.

Eventually, he snapped and yelled at me to leave. I begged him to let me stay. I said I would try harder to be happy if he gave me another chance. He wouldn't relent. Then the neighbours called the police, who called his sister who owns the cottage we were staying at. She called my partner who started crying because his sister was angry at him. He told her the noise was all me. She said I had to leave. The police arrived and took me home.

What do I do to rescue my relationship?

I feel like I did wrong by not getting over the hurt enough to enjoy the evening. I should have tried harder to put on a happy front so that he felt loved. He feels responsible for my misery, which he hates. He says he wants to fix people.

[Eve_of_Dante]

When he starts yelling at me, I panic. I don't generally get angry or attack him back. I try to avoid pointing out his hypocrisy in some situations. Instead I scream and beg and flail my limbs around and tear and scratch at myself and crawl on the floor at his feet and beg and plead. It's completely crazy. I don't attack him at all, just beg and try to explain why I did the thing that made him angry and the actions I will take to avoid doing it again. But this just seems to make him angrier and angrier. Last night I offered to give him space by going upstairs for a while but he followed me up and demanded that I leave. I don't know how to handle his rage.

[desperate.wife]

Hi,

if he wants you to leave, then leave. Why beg? Have some self-respect. I would be annoyed if I asked someone to leave but that someone would not let my leg go... And explaining will not help. I like to explain, I get it, but it doesn't work with BPD. On this site you can find tools. Like SET and not JADEing. Can be helpful for you.

Why are you begging? Why? What’s the point?

All the best for you,
DW

[Eve_of_Dante]

Hi,

I usually beg because we are in a time pressured situation. Such as yesterday, we were on holiday. I didn't want to lose the rest of the holiday by leaving. The only place for me to go was back to my family, where I would need to explain the situation. (So far I have hidden his arguments from them.) Now he has driven home for 4 hours without me.

I have been reading about JADE. I know I did something wrong by engaging and escalating the argument. But it was very hard not to, because he kept shouting louder and louder and I had to shout to be allowed to get a word in. And his words were so painful that I was crying and screaming. I could have done with taking a step away but there was nowhere to go. We were in a tiny holiday cottage and he had the only key. When I tried to go upstairs to give him time alone downstairs he followed me to ask me to pack my stuff.

I beg because he always says it is the end. He asks me to leave his life forever. I explained that to him during a good time. That I only get upset and won't leave because he says once I am gone I am gone forever. He told me that even if he says it is the end it might not be, but that it feels like the end for him.

[Eve_of_Dante]

Sometimes he does it when we are in a remote location such as a beach. He drives and I don't. So I feel like I have to beg in order to not be abandoned. Sometimes I don't have my phone with me, such as yesterday at the reservoir.

And sometimes I feel like it is a test and that he wants me to stay. For example, we argued on Friday when he arrived for the holiday (I had travelled down the night before to see my family). After a small amount of begging and tears he allowed me to stay and everything was good. I think this is because he didn't want to lose the holiday at the start.

[Eve_of_Dante]

2 days on and he's still not answering messages or phone calls. Is there a right thing to say that will encourage a response? Or do I just need to wait?

I think he feels awful because he feels like he has let his sister down. He has some childhood trauma about disappointing his family because his dad is a police officer and he was caught shoplifting. I don't know how to help him with his shame, except by accepting responsibility and taking the shame upon me.

I've been thinking about what I did wrong in terms of handling the situation. I'm pretty sure I didn't walk off. I think he dropped behind. But I should have stopped and gone back for him. And changed the subject.

Then later, I should have got over the hurt of it. I should have shrugged it off and faked being happy until we were. He wanted sex but I put it off as I thought it would be better once we were closer after an evening spent doing something together. But now I think if we had had sex it would have cheered him up and we could have been closer afterwards. He would have perceived my not wanting sex as a rejection.

[desperate.wife]

First, stop calling him. Take time to think about yourself, what relationship means to you, who are you without him. Have in mind that only if you are strong, self-confident and independent you have chance in this relationship. In any really. Do you like to be miserable? No one does. Take care of yourself. When you two are talking again and going on trips together, please plan everything in advance, have ways to go, to leave. Don't go to remote places. Have cash for ticket home if needed. When he is calm and you are calm, tell him how you feel, how it is not ok and what you will do if this happens again. Tell him once. Don't explain. Never ever beg him again. It gives him power over you. It creates resentment. Think how you can react when he tells you to leave. Practice this in mind. Tell him ok and just go. He might even chase you. But leave. I would. He'll have consequences for his actions. He will learn.

But first, get strong. Love yourself. No man, no human beeing is worth your begging.
You have to be at peace being alone, and be at peace being with him, knowing that these situation will occur again and again.

Don't hide this from your family. You don't have to get through this alone.

Don't torture of what you did or not, he would have snapped anyway.

Be yourself, learn the tools, think what you want, be happy. Watch this many times: https://youtu.be/TFbv757kup4

Keep writing and read stories of others, there's so much to learn.
 
DW