I thought it was a good week, but then...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I just came off of a good 8 or so days, where my uBPD wife treated me really well. It's been a long time since she's been that nice to me. (and the first time we've been intimate in almost a year). I seriously thought it was getting better (yeah I know that was just my mind playing tricks on me). But what's really disturbing to me, and the reason I'm posting this, is what my younger daughter said to me the morning that my wife turned on me.

She told me that mom seemed to be in a good mood today. I was surprised because I thought she was extra crabby. I asked her about the past week. And she told me that mom was super mean to her the last week. As we talked I learned that when my wife was being nice to me, she's super mean to my younger daughter. My younger daughter has been labelled the black one.

So now i'm stuck trying to figure out how to stop that from happening. It's almost like she's got to be mean to someone and she moves from one person to the next. wth? I know I'll never understand it because my brain isn't wired that way.

Does anyone else have that happening at your house?

[Bunsen48]

So I just came off of a good 8 or so days, where my uBPD wife treated me really well. It's been a long time since she's been that nice to me. (and the first time we've been intimate in almost a year). I seriously thought it was getting better (yeah I know that was just my mind playing tricks on me). But what's really disturbing to me, and the reason I'm posting this, is what my younger daughter said to me the morning that my wife turned on me.

She told me that mom seemed to be in a good mood today. I was surprised because I thought she was extra crabby. I asked her about the past week. And she told me that mom was super mean to her the last week. As we talked I learned that when my wife was being nice to me, she's super mean to my younger daughter. My younger daughter has been labelled the black one.

So now i'm stuck trying to figure out how to stop that from happening. It's almost like she's got to be mean to someone and she moves from one person to the next. wth? I know I'll never understand it because my brain isn't wired that way.

Does anyone else have that happening at your house?

[Overseas1899]

Yes, our son was always labelled black although my UBPDh would always say he is “teaching” him because I never teach him anything.  I haven’t seen this happen in a few years now that our son towers over UBPDh.   I always stepped in to stop it but I do wonder what happened when I wasn’t home. 
It is always the craziest thing, so surprising and usually when I have just left for a minute. For example, we had a great day at the beach with friends.   I helped them take stuff to their car and say goodbye.  I was in our lane way for about five minutes.   When I got back into the house, my UBPDh is screaming at our son.  That was the last time.  That was the moment I realized that his rages might be mental health rather than just a short fuse.  I had never dealt with anything like this. 

[Overseas1899]

We own a business together.  I will frequently have a staff member tell me that UBPDh was freaking out about something.   He never mentions it to me.   It’s like I think everything seems to be fine, then I find out from others that he is or was crazy upset about something and he hasn’t said a word about it to me.  I find this so strange. 
My marriage is essentially sexless.  However, he was caught watching porn at work.  I also saw a text to a friend of his where he commented about how horny a girlfriend from 30 years ago was!   Well, your willing wife is lying in bed alone every Night!   What is that?   He is up until 1am most nights and according to him, he is on FaceBook.  What is this?

[Overseas1899]

Bunsen,
I find my UBPDh will be mean or authoritative to various people but I only find out about it if I’ve read a text.  People sometimes tell me, but I think it happens more than I am aware. 
Is your spouse ever mean to your other child?   I found that UBPDh was not mean to our daughter.  But he would freak out in front of her and she would hang onto my leg asking what is wrong with daddy.   My concern now is I feel that she feels sorry for her dad.  I pray that she will not choose a spouse like him. 

[formflier]

Does anyone else have that happening at your house?

Yes...

So, I suppose I would be one of the more successful people in my experience "dealing with BPD".  I've essentially gotten to the place where I enjoy my life "most of the time" with my wife.  When BPD shows up (randomly) it is shocking now, because it's not what I'm used to.

It is what it is... and I try not to get wrapped up in it.

In my mind I look at the "rage" or "dysregulation" as a fire and while I didn't set it, cause it or any of that, I do have some control on how much "fuel" gets added to the fire.

So..when she is off the rails I pivot and do my "other life" where I kinda ignore the tantrum and then when the tantrum is over I press on with enjoying life with her. 

I'll briefly evaluate things to see if any adjustments are needed to boundaries and I'm almost always deliberate about doing something extra kind for me (to me).  Then...I try not to think much about it.

So...Bunsen48, knowing your wife as you do, what do you believe was the turning point for her being nice and what was the turning point for the dark side to come back.   Understanding this will help you with "radical acceptance".

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296225.0

Best,

FF