Hi!
This is my first post. I get so stuck on why my very recent ex was abusive and wonder if any of you have made some peace with it or come to some conclusions about how it fits with this disorder.
I tolerated so much I never would have had I felt he wasn't mentally ill, and trying to understand why he was the way he was kept me stuck. In the end, why didn't matter because it wouldn't change it, but I can't stop trying to understand it. It's only been a month and I'm finding all the damage hard to process so I guess it makes sense.
He knew it was wrong factually, but didn't seem to feel guilt or anxiety about it. He always apologized without being asked but with the demand we wouldn't discuss it and I should immediately behave like it never happened. If he felt he could tell I was wary, he'd angrily attack me again for that. He feared I'd eventually leave because of it, but that seemed to be more about being abandoned rather than any remorse or worry that he was abusive. He was worried yet resentful and not ashamed.
He did nothing about it and we were together for two years. When it was really bad, he'd see the relationship as stressful and begin to doubt his feelings for me. He had real difficulty accepting that he caused the problems even though it happened every few days. When things were calmer, he'd comment on how happy and relaxed I'd seem and would connect it on his own to better controlling his irritability. And they weren't arguments about actual things. There was nothing to defend against that way even if I had felt safe enough to fight back. I just stayed silent and then tried to calm him down when it seemed safe enough to.
He was undiagnosed but I've had a therapist the whole way through who's known me for years and she sees him as an extreme case. He not only meets all the criteria except for active suicidality, but every day was upset in ways that match the disorder. And he did other things that endangered his life. I've also learned a bit about the differences between cluster B personalities over the last two years and where they're likely to overlap. My only hesitation was the extent of lack of empathy. If he hadn't so often based all kinds of things in his life on rejection or not being good enough while also being narcissistic, and if he wasn't extremely impulsive, I would have wondered if he was primarily sociopathic or narcissistic with BPD traits.
If I tell myself it's because he lacked empathy due to biology or trauma, we still have societal standards that tell us certain behaviour is wrong and he clearly knew it was wrong. I know he had trouble controlling it in the moment, but I get stuck on the rest. He did also put me down when calm and that makes it a bit more complicated.
After the breakup, he told me that not being in love with me and not being attracted to me made him angry. Also, that he couldn't be alone and that's why he was with me. (He even had trouble feeling okay on his own on the nights I wasn't with him. He also has to be dating someone or trying to days later.) Then, that he never felt I loved him or was attracted to him and that made him angry. Then, that feeling like we weren't in love with each other made him lonely and angry. And also that the stress in the rest of his life made him treat me badly. When early on I once asked him why it happened, he said it was only because I was the one closest to him.
I had these excuses:
He has to deny it because it would trigger his core shame and he can't split himself black.
He can't empathize, so it doesn't register as a real problem and is therefore unintentionally ignored.
He's too consumed by his pain to think about the severity of it.
He's too self-absorbed to think of me as real person.
He grew up with a physically abusive father, so doesn't think it's that abnormal (even though I'd think that would allow for more empathy as well as more fear of it in himself).
Any thoughts?
