Part 2: I called the cops on my husband I feel really scared.

[Cloudy Days]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335924.0;all

Well, turns out he can bond himself out since he owns the house. I have like a week to get things together and I am going to my mom's in another state. I'm a bit nervous about it, I don't really know what he will do once he gets out. I plan to get a restraining order once I get to Kansas.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you didn't find the hotline helpful, Cloudy days. I had some bad experiences with the domestic violence services in my area the first two times I tried to leave. The third time I almost didn't try again, but I found different workers who were supportive and validating. I hope you will keep trying to reach out; perhaps there is a domestic violence office where your mom lives.

I'm sorry as well that you have to leave your home. I had to do that, too. It sucks, but the safety was worth everything that I lost.

I totally get that you felt like this man accepted and loved you. Something inside you needed that so bad, and the love bombing indeed probably made you feel like you finally found where you belonged. I can relate to that. I also relate to accepting your husband, flaws and all. I did the same. My uBPDh and I met in AA. He was fresh out of jail and rehab; he was also a convicted felon who had previously spent time in prison. I had just gotten out of rehab myself, and I was forgiving of his past because I had made many mistakes, too.

I married my husband in the middle of one of his relapses, right before he turned himself in on a probation violation and went back to jail. Big mistake, huge giant colossal red flags waving at me, but, like you, I wanted to prove my love and loyalty. I thought I could reassure him with my love and it would heal his wounded soul- or at least be a start towards healing. I was wrong.

It's OK to figure out how you made the choices you did, and why you made them. Just be gentle with yourself and remember that you see things more clearly looking backwards. Your mother's criticism of your decisions may stem from her own choices and how she feels about herself for the decisions she made. She can see where you should have done something different, but she isn't giving you the grace to make mistakes and learn from them. Try to give yourself that grace. It's far easier to get caught up in an abusive relationship than some people think. Victim blaming never helps anyone.

I understand the MIL thing, too. My MIL is not in denial about her son. He's too much like his father for her to not see it. She loves him because he is her son, but she knows he has severe mental health issues and is an abusive person. I feel sorry for her, because what must it be like to be an abuse victim whose son turns out like your abuser? Horrifying, I'm sure.

BTW, it's also OK to "be a crier" right now. You have been through extreme trauma, and it is perfectly normal to have intense emotions when you have gone through such a stressful experience. It's to be expected that you will have all kinds of feelings flooding you after what happened.

I hope you can get to your mom's and get settled. Perhaps you will find some resources at your new location that will be a good support system for you.

Redeemed

[Cloudy Days]

I am sad to leave my two dogs but I am happy that I don't have to find a home for them at least. I will have family and a couple freinds at my Mom's. I have been isolated from people for awhile so I am excited to go back actually. I always felt I had too much crap so I suppose this is my chance to start over. I have had to let go of so much because my husband liked to destroy my things. At least I get to choose what goes this time. I have been truely heartbroken in the past because of losing material possesions, I suppose it has made me realize what is actually important in life and that is me, and my actual happiness.

Can I ask how long it takes to not want him anymore? Or does that ever go away? I know it has only been a short while, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the atrocious things he has done to me. It's almost unfair that I cannot turn my feelings off for him. I mean I am now thinking about how he is actually going to live on his own here and how I can make it successful for the sake of us both. I have a lot of fear in the back of my mind that he is going to show up and kill me or something. A restraining order only works if the cops show up in time. And he may feel that I have ruined his life, who knows how much time he is looking at... so it worries me.

[I Am Redeemed]

It took me almost a year before I really just stopped caring if the marriage worked out or not. This was after I called the cops on him and he spent nine months in jail. I was pretty much convinced that he was not going to ever change, because I had given him so many chances. But part of me still held on to hope that he would. I was determined not to move back in with him and to set some boundaries, but I held off on filing for divorce. I did not contact him for three months after he went to jail. I found this website and started posting after I realized that he met all the criteria for BPD with the exception of self harm (though many of his actions were reckless enough to cause indirect harm to himself).

After resuming contact, I started to feel sorry for him again . I began sending him money in jail. I found out through his mom, who was talking to his brother (who was also in jail, their family is really dysfunctional) that he was apparently gambling with his commissary while he was in there and was making up all kinds of stories to me for why he needed more money. I was basically paying off his debts to other inmates. I noticed that the requests for money got higher and higher and more frequent. Even after all this, I paid for him to get set up in a hotel room when he got out, bought him food, and was even letting him visit with our s3. He took everything I did for granted. As I predicted, he came up with all kinds of excuses for why he couldn't get into counseling or treatment. He soon was back to his controlling ways. He took my keys and purse when I decided it was time to leave and go home, and he wrestled with me for my purse and broke it. He took the title to the van I had just bought and signed his name to it, and I have no doubt he would have put it in his name if he had had the money. The last straw was when he disable my van one night under the guise of checking the coolant in it, and he did that so it wouldn't start when I got ready to leave. I had it towed to a mechanic the next day, and when they looked it over and ran diagnostic tests and told me there was nothing wrong with it, I called my local dv office for help and went no contact.

After being away from the abuse and control, it triggered me so bad to have a taste of it again that I threw out all notions of ever wanting a relationship with him again. That isn't to say that I don't still feel sad about it, but in the six months since going complete no contact, that has lessened considerably. Therapy has been essential in helping with that. My dv counselor is trained in trauma focused therapy. She helped me when I would start feeling guilt over ending the relationship or start feeling that maybe I didn't give him enough chances. People on these boards were absolutely wonderful about providing me with outside perspective that helped me see where I was slipping back into old patterns that had kept me stuck in abuse.

I guess that's a really long-winded way to say that I just finally realized that the pain of the relationship outweighed the pleasure, and when I thought that I was missing him or our relationship, what I was actually missing was the fantasy relationship I thought we could have- but never did, and never would. Once I realized that, it was easier to let the relationship go because I finally had clarity over what it was that I was grieving- it was my hope for the relationship, not the relationship itself.

As you come out of the fog, you will be able to see these things more clearly in your own situation. When you get used to not having to worry about being abused, you realize that nothing in the world would make you chance it happening again. That's when you are over the hurdle of grieving. That's when you start getting stronger, and that's when you move from recovering into healing.

[Cloudy Days]

Thank you so much, we certainly fell for similar people. I look back at all the other times I tried to leave and he would just call me constantly and I had a hard time saying no to him. I even put money on his books this time. Not a lot but in my mind at least he can eat something he doesn't hate. My brother is actually in prison now so I get the dysfuctional family thing, he's in there for drugs and stealing though. Not violence like all the charges my husband has ever had. He's litterally my only love, I fear I will miss him for the rest of my life, but like you said. Its the fantasy that I will miss. I need to see him for who he truely is, not just the good face he liked to put on, on occasion.

[once removed]

i suspect that your grieving process may involve a lot of complicated, complex feelings. missing him. wanting him. anger. hating him. sadness. everything in between.

i think one of the most important things is to be able to name and observe what we feel without judgment or shame. grief is complicated, and the fact that someone has hurt us, even in extreme ways, doesnt mean we dont grieve them. i certainly recommend maintaining a strong support system.

is there any update as to whether he has made bond?

[Cloudy Days]

I was told he will be released on May 1st, the only reason he hasn't been released is because I asked for time to get my stuff together.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, I was fully prepared to leave Tuesday and now like I thought before,  he can't get out because someone has to put up cash for him and the bond isn't even the amount that they told me. I am really annoyed, The victims services people are just playing head games at this point. They don't even know what the heck is going on.

Today is my birthday   I am hoping I don't hit a low point by the end of the night, I was pretty depressed when I went to sleep last night.

[I Am Redeemed]

Happy birthday, Cloudy days! I hope you had a peaceful day.

Does this mean you are going to stay a little longer there?

When does he go to court, and do you know if the district attorney will want to speak with you beforehand? I know they asked me what I wanted to see happen, and I only asked for a mental evaluation. They did one, and the examiner mentioned a possible BPD diagnosis, but nothing came of it. He pled guilty to the misdemeanor and they dropped the felony charges. No guns were involved, though.

[SunandMoon]

Happy Birthday Cloudy Days!   

I hope you plan to do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just going into town and having coffee and cake at a nice cafe or something. Celebrate you!

[once removed]

happy birthday, Cloudy Days!

[Cloudy Days]

I went and tried to take pictures of the Mountains behind my house, I wasn't able to find the road but I found a whole heard of deer that was really neat, I got a sandwich and a milkshake at the local cafe and watched a movie. Not a bad day, but yes that means I have to stay for longer. I am not heartbroken, I kind of wanted to go home though and I wouldn't have been so sad if my husband could have some freedom before he was locked up for awhile.

I already talked to the attourney, I don't think they are going to listen to me much, I told them I wanted him to get mental help. He said the crimes are too severe for him not to serve time. I kind of agree I just know I didn't want this for him. We agreed on an amount for bail and that wasn't what it was set at and he isn't even considering a deal, which scares me because he's looking at the rest of his life in Jail.

While on my drive to take pictures I got angry because he always told me we didn't have the time or money to go sight seeing. We live by a dang tourist attraction, it took me 20 mintues to drive where I drove. All our money went towards cigarettes and weed, legal weed but still. And he always told me I was using him...FOR WHAT! I would ask. He used me in every way possible.

[2020]

Hi Cloudy Days,
It was my birthday on April the 24th. My partner thought I lined up an estate agent inspection and a therapy session on purpose so I didn't have to spend the  day with her! She disappeared in the morning then I found flowers and a bottle of alcohol from her on the doorstep with a sad letter. The day ended with her destroying the bunch of flowers, pouring a bucket of urine over my car, drinking the alcohol, biting me and calling the police. They took her away to hospital but she refused to speak to mental health staff. Tonight she is here. I spent the day JADE-ing, taking her out to dinner to calm her down after my autistic son lied and said my sister had been meeting up with his mother and they both agreed my partner was a mental case. My predicament is not quite as bad as what has been going on for you, but I am seriously at the end of my tether here. I am having doubts about wanting to be in this relationship for much longer. I hope things settle for you soon. It is astounding how bad it can get.

[Cloudy Days]

Oh wow, I'm sad to say for me it only ever got worse as time went by. We may have had a good phase but they lasted for shorter and shorter periods of time. I'm sorry your birthday sucked, but thanks for sharing, my husbad usually had a good way of ruining every special occasion. It would not have been a good birthday if he were with me.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you had a good birthday, Cloudy days. It's sad when you realize that being alone on your birthday is certainly preferable to the chaos your partner can cause. I'm glad you were able to do something you wanted to do, just for you.

2020, that sounds like a very stressful and horrible experience, especially on your birthday. I can see how you would be feeling at the end of your rope with that kind of extreme behavior. I'm so sorry your birthday was ruined.

The last birthday I spent with stbx was my fortieth birthday in Nov of 2017. It was a milestone birthday, and I was looking forward to celebrating it, even though I usually don't do anything special for my birthday (uBPDh had a way of impulsively deciding when and how we were going to celebrate my birthday) but forty is a big deal, and I was at least planning to go out to eat.

Instead, he put methamphetamine in my coffee that morning, unbeknownst to me. I spent the day freaking out and unable to go anywhere or do anything, until the drugs wore off. I am a recovering addict, but speed was never my drug of choice; I absolutely despise it, and I was miserable and terrified. It took days for me to recover from it.

[Cloudy Days]

Oh my word, that is terrible. Meth is the worst, I have never done it but I can say my brother will never be the same brother I used to have because of it. I don't remember any particularly terrible things he did for my birthday, he would just have a blow up of some sort and always make me cry. I actually met him on my 21st birthday, he was my waiter so it was the anniversary of us meeting, 14 years ago.