A mess of emotions, failing at acceptance

[Swimmy55]

Hi All,
It's me again.  I have been trying to post a positive spin to other's threads , but I collapsed internally this morning.  I wasn't trying to come across as matyrish and self righteous but it sounded that way.  Just trying to piece things together in my mind and then they crash back down again.  Tazzer2000 brought up a good point of what good is it that we try to accommodate our BPD?  I do believe it provides a 50:50 chance  for them and us to just co exist together.  Unfortunately, I am of the 50% where being accommodating, stating the "I feel " messages, the validation, etc. just didn't work with my son.  Every boundary I put up, he crashed right through.  My boundaries became stricter, he'd crash harder.  When I gave him the choice of therapy or I start eviction proceedings, he was just completely out of control  to the point of me getting a restraining order against him..
 
So my psychiatrist got on my case rightfully so:  I have to make a choice to either wallow, guilt myself and get sick again , or I can reinvent my life.  He told me I had to get in touch with my anger . And that has been flickering through me  Over $3500 in fixing up walls, replacing light fixtures.  I didn't even replace furniture yet or  a couple of the doors in the house he busted up.  That is a felony, along with him twisting the phone out of my hand and breaking it.  Felony number 2.  Not to mention him shoving me down:  Second degree assault.  AND I'm still paying his car ins.  When I look at the WHOLE picture of this...I chose the mental health route for him and didn't press charges. But I am angry and incredulous he didn't take this chance .  He is not in therapy, or taking meds,  but spent $40 on booze 2 days after he left his emergency psychiatric stay of 8 days.  His bills still come to my house.   And he still has a lot of his property in my house that needs to go.  I think he is still at his Father's Cousin's house, but what happens when my son wears through them?  I have to let that go somehow since he is an adult of 25..

Anyway, I think what I'm saying is anger is starting to flicker through the grief , worry and fear. Anger at him.  Anger at myself  and recriminations on what else could I have done.  Was I too soft?  I am reading up the old posts on " Are we to blame"  and this is churning in me.  I know the "what ifs" don't help anyone.  I almost believed my answers to others , but this morning... I don't know where I am mentally.   
Acceptance is the key and I am no where near it yet.  And how do you all deal with feeling broken inside? 
Thanks for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Swimmy,
I really feel your pain in this post. I am at a point of anger with my son too. Who wouldn't be? I still love him and sometimes even like him, but he does things that hurt me and that makes me angry.

So my psychiatrist got on my case rightfully so:  I have to make a choice to either wallow, guilt myself and get sick again , or I can reinvent my life.  He told me I had to get in touch with my anger ...

That sounds wise to me. What are you choosing?

[Swimmy55]

Ha! Thanks FaithHopeLove.

[mamabolivia]

Oh yes! My therapist told me that I was addicted to ruminating on what my daughter was/was not doing, and that like an addict I had to cut the substance out - not the person. I worked very hard to let go of the mummy-daughter bond in my head.

Bringing together many threads, I am not responsible for what my grown-up child does, I am responsible for me (and protecting her other siblings and other people around us).

Anger is an emotion that forces us to take action (depression, grief, fear are emotions that leave us immobile, unable to act). Take your anger and do something with it - it sounds like you have a good psychiatrist - start there. Find women's groups. Chanel the strength you find in your anger towards another cause, lose yourself in it, and get rid of your addiction (to the drama that is your son).

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Mamabolivia..

[Turkish]

Regarding the mother of my children,  my T exclaimed (after a few months), "you're finally angry.  Good!  You have every right to be angry." It took a while for me to compute (think of the original Star Trek computer, working), but he was right.  I was wrapped up in analyzing her and also what I did rather than really realizing and accepting her choices as an independent entity with free will apart from me. 

Maybe you could do better, like all of us,  but that isn't relevant given criminal abuse. You need to be safe.  Given what he did,  you weren't safe in your own home,  and I wouldn't let my son return to my home given all of that.  

[Lollypop]

Hi schwimmy

I laughed when you talked about martyish cos that’s how I feel - a lot! I’ve given up trying to alter and prefer to just be myself.

how do you all deal with feeling broken

i can reinvent my life

This is EXACTLY what I did.

I got hold of my life and changed it. I took a college course as a start. It’s been 5 years schwimmy and I’m a very different person now. Focussing on myself helped heal me.

The answers are here. Emotional detachment. Be responsible for your own life. Let them live their own life.

Does this help?

LP

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Turkish and Lollypop
This is helping  me a lot. 

[zachira]

It is heartbreaking for any parent to face that their child has turned out so badly for reasons we don't understand and that at the moment there seems to be little hope for change. Acceptance is something that takes time and lots of hard work, and sometimes is not possible. With time, we can feel better and lead mostly a happy life, though sometimes the loss is so painful, that we will always need to take time to grieve. Daily meditation for at least 45 minutes a day can help to process any emotion before it becomes overwhelming. Some people have so much inner turmoil, it may require therapy to be able to quiet and calm one's mind through meditation. Can you tell us about what things you enjoy and make you feel better either now or in the past? 

[Swimmy55]

Thank youZachira.  I have to actually think about hobbies , but good idea about meditation.

[Lollypop]

Hi swimmy

Here’s me thinking you liked to swim...a lot! 

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Lollypop   .  You are right I have been so caught up in this I forgot I used to love to swim! 

My son texted some nonsense to me even though there is a restraining order in place.  This was in response to his cousin kicking him out .  My son was to go into 30 day rehab in exchange for living there and he refused.  So the son is "going to move in with some friends" and he never wants to talk to me again, but I could send money to him if I want to help(?) . After he trashed my house in March.  He also has no job and apparently no insight at this time.

I didn't answer him.    But this thread and you all are reminding me I have to get out of his life and get back into my own somehow.  Thank you all...

[wendydarling]

Hi Swimmy

I guess you were going to get the email at some point. Keep hopeful that insight will come as you get out of his way.  

I took up swimming last year, I wish I'd taken it up earlier when my body was numb, I was full of fear. I love the feeling of water caressing to the touch of my skin and holding me gently, it makes me feel alive and re-energised. I do a lot of lying on my back and chatting with people  

WDx

[Tazzer4000]

Hi Swimmy. I certainly understand where you are. I'm there as well so I really have no advice, only empathy and understanding.  Just know we all do the best we can but once they are adults, they are responsible for themselves and their actions. I feel like the biggest mistakes I made had to do with saving my BPD from the consequences of her actions. I don't know that is the case with you but it sounds like it might be. I know how hard it is to let them suffer the consequences of their actions, but we all must eventually and it seems the sooner the better for pwBPD. Just know there are others struggling with the same things and that we understand.   

[Lollypop]

Hi swimmy

My son texted some nonsense

This made me smile!  We listen to a LOT of nonsense from son28, thankfully it’s harmless because he’s kind of slightly wobbly stable. Unstable, he’s a loose cannon. There’s no reasoning with somebody who is emotionally immature and dysregulated. That’s the truth.

Best to find some comedy in it as a way to preserve our sanity if we can.

I hope you’re spending some time thinking about yourself and what your next step looks like?  I’m inbetween my old and new life and Ive had a feeling of restlessness for many months. I’ve got a summer project planned and a short holiday. How about you?

LP

WD:  you’ve made me smile too!

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Lollypop, Wendyd and Tazzer for providing good reminders of staying out of the way . I will continue to think about doing some other stuff.  I have signed up for water aerobics, though and look forward to that.  Step by step.  I am grateful for this group.

[FaithHopeLove]

Water aerobics is my favorite exercise! I am on my way to a class now. Moving my body in the water really helps me feel calm and peaceful

[wendydarling]

Oh yes Faith, enjoy!