I still love her but I wish I never did

[JC2019]

I'm not sure where to start.

My ex has BPD but obviously she does not think so.
We first got together in early 2015, I had just ended a bad relationship so this was unexpected. She pursued me in the beginning. I had never felt this way about anyone before, everything felt intense and surreal. I had been in several relationships prior so I was in a good place. I was focused on self and for most of the time stable in a relationship, affectionate but not needy, still had my independence. I had learnt to leave with my dignity in tack, to forgive, and to accept a failed relationship and learn from it. Better myself and take responsibility for my own mistakes.

At first we were in a distant relationship for 8 months and after we first met I fell inlove almost instantly which was scary for me because this was totally against a rule I had. I had a set of rules to follow but that all went down the toilet when I met her. Everything seemed perfect and the connection was like nothing I had felt before. Well within days the mood, or the atmosphere changed and I did not understand what was happening but I felt like I did something wrong. It was overwhelming and confusing to feel the change go from warm to ice cold. This is where reality set in and within a week she discarded me.

From that point on you the reader will have a fair idea how the relationship went from there. Off and on. Breakthroughs followed by slipping back to where we started. Eventually I became sick, physically and mentally, emotionally. I gave up my life several times, jobs, places, friends, family, I invested my whole being into this woman There's so much to say but thats my story in a nutshell.

I am struggling this time round which is the last time. I purposely made sure that it was impossible for me to reconcile with her. I just want my life back but at the moment I am in a severely depressed. Bed ridden and no motivation. I gave up and invested so much to travel far to be with her again. Now I'm  living in a motel with little money left. I don't know what to do anymore I feel stuck. The hardest part about it all is that I did this to myself. I feel abandoned and unwanted. I feel completely alone and wish to go to sleep and never wake up again.

[BrokenAndLost]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this. I am going through the same thing at the moment. I know it’s hard and feels impossible but we have to keep going. It’s sad that another human being can make us feel this distraught. I too had a set of rules that I threw away for him. I worked through alot to stay with him, trying new ideas and starting fresh but nothing helped because here I am without him again. Do you have children? Family or friends you can turn to? Even if you have distanced them for ex, reach out to them, trust me, the only way to get through this os by leaning on loved ones. I don’t have a big family, but the ones I have, I am reaching out to. I’m trying my hardest to stay busy and be more social but it feels impossible. All I want to do is hide forever in a corner away from life and everything else. We all have to look out for each other, especially where we have all been touched by this illness. Please keep your chin up and jo you’re not alone.

[Mutt]

Hi JC,

I too had a set of rules that I threw away for him.

These r/s's move so fast that one thing happens right after another. I'd like to echo BrokenandLost what is your support network like?

It helps to get your story out, there are many here that can relate with what you're going through, you're not alone.

How long have you felt depressed?

[Tsultan]

Jay Coda   , I am sorry you are feeling this way.  You did a really good job summarizing your r/s with your BPDgf.

First things first.  Take care of yourself, get a support network going.  This is a great place to start.  I relied on my friends that I trusted in another recovery group that I belong to but I found there is no place like right here.  We have all been through it and there are others who have come out on the other side a better person for it. Me included. You will get through this.

After my exBPDbf broke up with me for the last time I felt such pain in every cell of my body.  The only way I found through the pain was in the pain.  I had to feel it, honor it and let it go.  If it came back I had to do it again.  I did it as many times as I needed to.  Eventually, it didn't hurt so much. 

How are feeling now? 

Tsultan