Adult child with BPD characteristics

[Iluvthe80s]

I’m new to this community. After years of conflicts with my daughter who is now an adult, I want to find ways to protect my mental health and avoid having discussions spin out of control into the circular, no way out arguments they have been. I’ve just been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I feel like this is affecting my health - I hate the burning in my chest when the newest crisis happens. I’m not sure what I need. I guess a place to read what others are going through and help/support in what to try when communicating. One of my daughter’s most frequent accusations is that we favor her non BPD sister, whom she calls the golden child. My daughter I think has BPD  is intelligent, has a great sense of humor. I feel guilty because in a way it feels like the constant drama and emotional roller coaster makes me feel like the favoritism is happening because I feel scared and wary of the next blow-up. I feel like I’m stuck ina cycle that’s doomed to repeat.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello
I love the 80s too! I am also glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. As a parent of an adult child (my 24 year old son) with BPD I know what you mean about circular arguments that go nowhere. I find nthe best thing to do is back off and revisit my own boundaries. Here is a great article about boundaries that really helped me.

Healthy Boundaries

Here is an excerpt "Know your priorities.  Don't get caught up in dramas (conflict where one or both parties want to "win the fight" and have lost sight of solutions).

Try to collaborate and get a buy-in on solutions. Be prepared to take unilateral action if that fails.

Remember, the goal is not to fight or to argue what is right and wrong in an ideal world, or to have it your way, or to control others.  

The goal is to live true to your values (1) and the dependent values of the relationship (2)."

[livednlearned]

One of my daughter’s most frequent accusations is that we favor her non BPD sister, whom she calls the golden child.

How do you respond when she says this?