Just learning about BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,

A bit of background:

I found out about this support group while reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I have an 18 year old stepdaughter who I believe may have BPD.  Her mother - my husband's ex - has received multiple diagnoses such as bipolar and depressive - which results in constant suicide threats that were put on my stepdaughter starting at the age of 13 - but I had never heard of BPD until recently.  My stepdaughter - who I have known and lived with since she was 5 - has suddenly shown signs of some disorder.  After 18 years of living with her dad, and 13 years of living with me, we became the enemy practically overnight.  She's accused of us being drug addicts & alcoholics.  She decided to live with her mom fulltime and since being at her mom things have reached an unimaginable level.  We went through 10 weeks of hell, constantly being harassed by the mother - who also contacted my friends - and repeated request from my stepdaughter to see us...but ultimately she would never show up for one reason or another.  Things escelated when my stepdaugher tried to get my daughter(her half sister) from school without my persmission...she straight up lied to our babysitter over text, writing that she had received permission from both my husband & I.  The unimaginable was when Child Protective Services was called to my home about about my own daughter.  The social worker - who is not able to tell us who filed the complaint - told us that she had interviewed both the mother as well as my stepdaughter.  The lies are so hurtful (and damaging in the near term) but the fear that lives within me knowing that my own child could be impacted by these lies is something I think about almost every second of every day.   And as for my stepdaughters role in the process, I constanly run the gamut of emotions from unbelievable sadness to unbelievable rage.  Unlike BPDs - as I'm learning - I'm able to handle my emotions no matter the toll they take.

In joining this group, I'm hopeful to listen to stories and receive advice from others in the community.  While I still have so much to learn, right now my biggest fear is my stepdaughter being at her moms house fulltime.  It feels impossible to be able to reach her to try and help her.  She's gone as far - again, at the age of 18 - in telling us that her mother now speaks for her.  I also worry about my husband.  He's beyond crushed.  And when I try to talk to him about BPD, including offering books and sending him podcast that I've listened to, he just dismisses it.  I don't think it's not a willingness to learn...I think he's so scared of the reality.  And he feels immense guilt for never having fought his ex-wife for custody (he's had a 50/50 split since the divorce).

If anyone has advice on how to try and connect with my stepdaughter, how to help my husband or would just be willing to share their own stories, It would be unbelievably valuable to me.

[Batman20]

Hello,

A bit of background:

I found out about this support group while reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I have an 18 year old stepdaughter who I believe may have BPD.  Her mother - my husband's ex - has received multiple diagnoses such as bipolar and depressive - which results in constant suicide threats that were put on my stepdaughter starting at the age of 13 - but I had never heard of BPD until recently.  My stepdaughter - who I have known and lived with since she was 5 - has suddenly shown signs of some disorder.  After 18 years of living with her dad, and 13 years of living with me, we became the enemy practically overnight.  She's accused of us being drug addicts & alcoholics.  She decided to live with her mom fulltime and since being at her mom things have reached an unimaginable level.  We went through 10 weeks of hell, constantly being harassed by the mother - who also contacted my friends - and repeated request from my stepdaughter to see us...but ultimately she would never show up for one reason or another.  Things escelated when my stepdaugher tried to get my daughter(her half sister) from school without my persmission...she straight up lied to our babysitter over text, writing that she had received permission from both my husband & I.  The unimaginable was when Child Protective Services was called to my home about about my own daughter.  The social worker - who is not able to tell us who filed the complaint - told us that she had interviewed both the mother as well as my stepdaughter.  The lies are so hurtful (and damaging in the near term) but the fear that lives within me knowing that my own child could be impacted by these lies is something I think about almost every second of every day.   And as for my stepdaughters role in the process, I constanly run the gamut of emotions from unbelievable sadness to unbelievable rage.  Unlike BPDs - as I'm learning - I'm able to handle my emotions no matter the toll they take.

In joining this group, I'm hopeful to listen to stories and receive advice from others in the community.  While I still have so much to learn, right now my biggest fear is my stepdaughter being at her moms house fulltime.  It feels impossible to be able to reach her to try and help her.  She's gone as far - again, at the age of 18 - in telling us that her mother now speaks for her.  I also worry about my husband.  He's beyond crushed.  And when I try to talk to him about BPD, including offering books and sending him podcast that I've listened to, he just dismisses it.  I don't think it's not a willingness to learn...I think he's so scared of the reality.  And he feels immense guilt for never having fought his ex-wife for custody (he's had a 50/50 split since the divorce).

If anyone has advice on how to try and connect with my stepdaughter, how to help my husband or would just be willing to share their own stories, It would be unbelievably valuable to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome, Batman20!

Although I'm sorry you had to find us, I'm really glad you did. It really sounds like you all have been through so much with your SD (step-daughter), and I can understand being fearful of how her behavior will impact her half-sister. I want you to know, firstly, that you are not alone and also that things can get better. You've found a great place for support and learning about BPD. Welcome to the Family!

By reading other members' posts, you'll soon find you are in good company. We all are learning how to navigate these intense relationships and helping each other along the way. The site has many clinically responsible articles that I trust more than anything I've read on the internet about BPD. In fact, I rejected my DD25's (darling daughter, age 25) diagnosis after reading all the doom and gloom on the subject.

A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this discussion board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It has many of our best articles with links to more. I also encourage you to read and post in other's threads, doing so will help build your support network, so critical to those of us who love a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Your H's (husband's) reluctance to learn about BPD may be what you say, fear of the reality of the situation. I was afraid as well and only came to accept my DD's diagnosis after finding a therapist who has experience with pwBPD. I wish I had found  bpdfamily sooner. Perhaps, in time, as you settle in and begin applying some of the tools we are learning, your H will want to know more.

You say your SD is suddenly showing signs of some disorder, can you tell us a little more about that? What behaviors have cropped up suddenly? It helps to know more so that we can best advise you. Please share what you are comfortable sharing here, there are no judgments, we understand better than anyone else can.

What sort of contact do you have now with your SD?

I look forward to getting to know you and how best to support you.

~ OH

[GaGrl]

You may find it difficult to determine whether your stepdaughter is BPD of has some of the traits, as long my as she is being so heavily influenced by her BPD mother.

[rolney]

Hello Batman20,

wow your situation sounds horrendous. It has to be much harder when there is another parent who has "rights" and could be fueling the problem. Keep reading all the literature and books and become very informed. I find being informed helps me with my anxiety over the problems because I am able to (at times) accept that she is not well and have some compassion...at other times I think I am the mad one with the rage I feel toward her. It's all just so unfair.

Please note that a lot of literature suggests the parents are at fault for neglect/abuse issues when the BPD was a child. This further infuriates me and is not helpful at all. My husband and I were and are loving, kind parents and we have a son (11 months older than her) to attest to that. He is a lovely man who is very close to us and equally distressed by his sisters behaviours. So when I read information that says the parents are at fault I am outraged. I did read one article, which I can't find since, that talks about how the research to come to that conclusion was gathered. It was gathered from the BPD's, who as we know, will often direct their anger at the parents (or one parent in particular) and distort the truth about situations to match their feelings. So if they are the people filling the data then the results are flawed. It was helpful for me to read that as I waded through all the information online. I now discard any information that says the parents are at fault. The most helpful conclusion I have found is that BPD's have a genetic pre- disposition to develop BPD (flawed wiring in the brain)...and that, coupled with environment, can trigger BPD when the person is a teenager.

I really feel for you in your pain. I know it well. I know the full gamut of emotions you experience and the sleepless nights and constant adrenaline rush while we are in this "fight or flight" mode. It's destructive to our mental and physical health. I try to take care of myself and give myself breaks from thinking about it (NOT easy). My husband also doesn't read the information but listens to and agrees with me. However I did say to him just last night that I feel I am doing this alone if he wont read and learn as much as me. I feel like it's become "my job" to fix the family. He is incredibly supportive but not proactive. Unfortunately that causes arguments between us so we have to re group and ensure this does NOT impact our marriage (36 years) and does not take away our joy at the rest of our life.

The other thing I tell myself when we have an episode like the current one is "this will pass and I wont feel this bad for the rest of my life, I have been here before and it got better"...I hope that helps.