My Story (Hopefully this can help some going through something like this)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Firstly I would like to personally thank everyone who took the time out of their day to help me with my current situation and help other's with theirs. This forum is truly like a family and knowing that I can post my thoughts and come here for some advice is truly a blessing.

So here we go.

I was always a somewhat independent guy. I never really yearned to have a significant other and I always thought to myself that I was going to focus on my career path instead of that of another person. It just wasn't the time for me. I was sitting on my phone late at night like I normally would going through snap chats and talking to my friends when out of the blue I get a snap chat friend request from someone who I had never met or heard of. Intrigued I added her and within about five minutes received a snap chat simply saying streaks. For those of you who may not own snap chat or have no idea what a "streak" is, It's basically something you send daily and it keeps track of how many days in a row you have snap chatted each other. Originally I thought nothing of it, I sent my streaks out later that night, and she responded back with a picture of her crying. This is when it started to get real.

We talked for probably three hours that night going back and fourth, basically I was just consulting with her and trying to help her with her current situation (family related). One thing led to another and we started to talk for hours and hours a night on face time with each other, sometimes even falling asleep together on face time. Eventually we both met up at a high school football game, since we were both in high school, and it really kicked off. We were both into the same things, it was almost like we were mean't for each other. We hung out more and more frequently and eventually I asked her out. It was honestly the best time Ive had so far in my life. Little did I know what I was truly getting myself into.

We dated for a little over two years, no hiccups, no problems, just genuine love, or what seemed like it. I spoiled her, constantly buying her jewelry, perfume, clothes, etc, and she did the same for me. At this point I was completely codependent. I went from being single and perfectly happy and fine to genuinely relying on this her. You see she was my only friend at this point that was near me, I had graduated high school in these two years and decided to attend community college so that I could stay home and be with her rather then go away to college. All of my friends were away, thus, she was the only person I would see besides family. She wasn't controlling, she wasn't anything but open, kind and honestly a very loving person.

Now we fast forward to this March. She had just gotten into a new friend group, consisting of mostly girls but a few guys. Up until this point I had really thought nothing of it. I completely trusted her. One night she was over my house and she asked if I could drive her to her friends house. I said of course, we got into my car, I drove her to her friends house and dropped her off. This was nothing new, I would frequently drive her there and honestly didn't mind it as I'm fully invested in streaming on twitch. I would use this time while she was at her friends house to host live streams and entertain my viewers. I dropped her off around nine at night. I texted her at eleven just asking how everything was and to say goodnight. Normally I would get a quick response, but not this time. So I began to start thinking, this was very unusual of her, she was always on her phone and would always respond rather quickly to my texts. You see, their is a certain feeling of uneasiness that I could sense, as if something wasn't right, and as if something was terrible wrong. I went to bed that night utterly confused and honestly didn't sleep much.

I woke up the next morning with a knot in my stomach.

I texted her, still no response. My mom walked into my room borderline crying. You see, my family treated my ex like family, we ate dinner together every night, played board games, invited her over for holidays and birthdays, everything my family did she was always invited. My mom genuinely loved her and treated her as her own. She came in, sat down on my bed and said "Hiscaru I know something that you need to be aware of." I said of course what is it. She told me. What she told me infuriated me, I've never felt this many raw emotions flooding my body. Rage, depression, and sadness consumed me. What she told me was that my ex had cheated on me, not once, but twice. I was told that the previous weekend and this weekend she went to some parties, which she failed to mention to me, and slept with the same guy twice. I asked her how she knew this. You see, my brother is her age, and her and my brother have some mutual friends. At these parties she saw my brother friends and told him not to tell me she was there, knowing I would get angry with her for not telling me. Of course, like any good friend, he told my brother. My brother was so sad and so nervous that he couldn't physically tell me himself, so he told my parents. What I heard from him and my parents was so detailed and so deranged I honestly thought it was a joke. I won't go into crazy detail for the sake of getting too sexual, but to sum it up my girlfriend at the time ended up having sex with this guy twice, without a condom, and got caught in the middle of the party by someone walking in.

I immediately got into my car, and sped towards her location. We always had our location services on so that we could see where each other was. This wasn't because we were paranoid about one of us cheating, but we felt safer with it enabled. This is where I put two and two together. The past two weekends when I texted her and got no response of course I checked her location. It was disabled. She turned it off. In the morning, I decided to check again and It was enabled, but she wasn't at the same house I initially dropped her off it. No she was at another house which I had no clue of and no idea's who's house it was. I would like to state before people comment asking why I was stalking her, I wasn't. I didn't control her and in fact I never checked her location. Like I said I felt like something just wasn't right.

Skip ahead and I call her as I'm driving towards the house she was at. She picked up, I told her I was coming to get her and that I knew. I arrived, she got into my car, and I immediately started peppering her with questions. The amount of rage and anger I had at the time I had never really felt before. How someone could get into my car who I treated like an absolute princess, and sit there emotionless is beyond me. We drove to my house, got out of the car and went into my room. We sat down and talked for hours, crying on both sides. We talked about what to do next, although it was still unclear by the time I drove her home.

The next couple of weeks were absolute and utter chaos. You see she did what I've heard most people do with BPD, she discarded me. Told me she didn't want to get back together with me and trying to pin the blame on me initially. She even said at one point that she didn't want to be friends with me. I thought to myself how crazy is she. I dated her for over two years, poured so much into this relationship, and talked about a future with her even going as far as to plan to buy an apartment close to wherever she wanted to go to school. She completely threw me out.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I received a call after about a week of no contact. I was beginning to feel some form of normalcy. She wanted to let me know that she had gotten seriously injured at a party and cracked her chin open requiring several stitches. Obviously I asked what happened and she told me she had smoked some laced weed and had a seizure. Basically she blacked out and hit her chin on a table. Of course I felt bad, of course I wanted her to still be okay, but I couldn't help but think why she was coming back to me. Truly she must know what she did was a tad wrong no? I wished her the best of luck and a speedy recovery and hung up.

Another week rolled by and she texted me again. She told me she was having an anxiety attack and that I was the only person who could help her. I responded letting her know that I couldn't be that person anymore and that she was going to have to find someone else to help her. In my mind I thought why would she still think it's okay to come to me with her problems instead of going to the person who she has cheated on me with and is now pursuing. Eventually after texting for a while I told her that if she seriously needed to talk to someone she could call me (she was suicidal so I couldn't really say no). She read my text but did not respond nor call.

Another couple of days went by and she texted me again. She texted me telling me I was right about something she was learning in chemistry and how difficult it was. I responded telling her I know and that she really needs to focus during these upcoming classes because this topic was challenging. We went back and fourth for a few minutes and then she left me on read again. That was roughly five days ago.

I guess what I'm trying to see is that from my experience and from what I've learned, you need to let go. If you are currently in a relationship with someone who has BPD or are experiencing a rough break up such as me, you need to understand one thing. If your partner is not currently seeking help and does not know that they have some form of disorder, it's best to leave before it's too late. Take this from someone who has experienced this first hand and who has made the mistake of staying with her. If you want what's best for your partner aswell as what's best for you, you need to understand this.

Again, thank you to everybody on here who has responded to my posts and discussions. You guys and gals are truly lifesavers.

[Hiscaru]

Firstly I would like to personally thank everyone who took the time out of their day to help me with my current situation and help other's with theirs. This forum is truly like a family and knowing that I can post my thoughts and come here for some advice is truly a blessing.

So here we go.

I was always a somewhat independent guy. I never really yearned to have a significant other and I always thought to myself that I was going to focus on my career path instead of that of another person. It just wasn't the time for me. I was sitting on my phone late at night like I normally would going through snap chats and talking to my friends when out of the blue I get a snap chat friend request from someone who I had never met or heard of. Intrigued I added her and within about five minutes received a snap chat simply saying streaks. For those of you who may not own snap chat or have no idea what a "streak" is, It's basically something you send daily and it keeps track of how many days in a row you have snap chatted each other. Originally I thought nothing of it, I sent my streaks out later that night, and she responded back with a picture of her crying. This is when it started to get real.

We talked for probably three hours that night going back and fourth, basically I was just consulting with her and trying to help her with her current situation (family related). One thing led to another and we started to talk for hours and hours a night on face time with each other, sometimes even falling asleep together on face time. Eventually we both met up at a high school football game, since we were both in high school, and it really kicked off. We were both into the same things, it was almost like we were mean't for each other. We hung out more and more frequently and eventually I asked her out. It was honestly the best time Ive had so far in my life. Little did I know what I was truly getting myself into.

We dated for a little over two years, no hiccups, no problems, just genuine love, or what seemed like it. I spoiled her, constantly buying her jewelry, perfume, clothes, etc, and she did the same for me. At this point I was completely codependent. I went from being single and perfectly happy and fine to genuinely relying on this her. You see she was my only friend at this point that was near me, I had graduated high school in these two years and decided to attend community college so that I could stay home and be with her rather then go away to college. All of my friends were away, thus, she was the only person I would see besides family. She wasn't controlling, she wasn't anything but open, kind and honestly a very loving person.

Now we fast forward to this March. She had just gotten into a new friend group, consisting of mostly girls but a few guys. Up until this point I had really thought nothing of it. I completely trusted her. One night she was over my house and she asked if I could drive her to her friends house. I said of course, we got into my car, I drove her to her friends house and dropped her off. This was nothing new, I would frequently drive her there and honestly didn't mind it as I'm fully invested in streaming on twitch. I would use this time while she was at her friends house to host live streams and entertain my viewers. I dropped her off around nine at night. I texted her at eleven just asking how everything was and to say goodnight. Normally I would get a quick response, but not this time. So I began to start thinking, this was very unusual of her, she was always on her phone and would always respond rather quickly to my texts. You see, their is a certain feeling of uneasiness that I could sense, as if something wasn't right, and as if something was terrible wrong. I went to bed that night utterly confused and honestly didn't sleep much.

I woke up the next morning with a knot in my stomach.

I texted her, still no response. My mom walked into my room borderline crying. You see, my family treated my ex like family, we ate dinner together every night, played board games, invited her over for holidays and birthdays, everything my family did she was always invited. My mom genuinely loved her and treated her as her own. She came in, sat down on my bed and said "Hiscaru I know something that you need to be aware of." I said of course what is it. She told me. What she told me infuriated me, I've never felt this many raw emotions flooding my body. Rage, depression, and sadness consumed me. What she told me was that my ex had cheated on me, not once, but twice. I was told that the previous weekend and this weekend she went to some parties, which she failed to mention to me, and slept with the same guy twice. I asked her how she knew this. You see, my brother is her age, and her and my brother have some mutual friends. At these parties she saw my brother friends and told him not to tell me she was there, knowing I would get angry with her for not telling me. Of course, like any good friend, he told my brother. My brother was so sad and so nervous that he couldn't physically tell me himself, so he told my parents. What I heard from him and my parents was so detailed and so deranged I honestly thought it was a joke. I won't go into crazy detail for the sake of getting too sexual, but to sum it up my girlfriend at the time ended up having sex with this guy twice, without a condom, and got caught in the middle of the party by someone walking in.

I immediately got into my car, and sped towards her location. We always had our location services on so that we could see where each other was. This wasn't because we were paranoid about one of us cheating, but we felt safer with it enabled. This is where I put two and two together. The past two weekends when I texted her and got no response of course I checked her location. It was disabled. She turned it off. In the morning, I decided to check again and It was enabled, but she wasn't at the same house I initially dropped her off it. No she was at another house which I had no clue of and no idea's who's house it was. I would like to state before people comment asking why I was stalking her, I wasn't. I didn't control her and in fact I never checked her location. Like I said I felt like something just wasn't right.

Skip ahead and I call her as I'm driving towards the house she was at. She picked up, I told her I was coming to get her and that I knew. I arrived, she got into my car, and I immediately started peppering her with questions. The amount of rage and anger I had at the time I had never really felt before. How someone could get into my car who I treated like an absolute princess, and sit there emotionless is beyond me. We drove to my house, got out of the car and went into my room. We sat down and talked for hours, crying on both sides. We talked about what to do next, although it was still unclear by the time I drove her home.

The next couple of weeks were absolute and utter chaos. You see she did what I've heard most people do with BPD, she discarded me. Told me she didn't want to get back together with me and trying to pin the blame on me initially. She even said at one point that she didn't want to be friends with me. I thought to myself how crazy is she. I dated her for over two years, poured so much into this relationship, and talked about a future with her even going as far as to plan to buy an apartment close to wherever she wanted to go to school. She completely threw me out.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I received a call after about a week of no contact. I was beginning to feel some form of normalcy. She wanted to let me know that she had gotten seriously injured at a party and cracked her chin open requiring several stitches. Obviously I asked what happened and she told me she had smoked some laced weed and had a seizure. Basically she blacked out and hit her chin on a table. Of course I felt bad, of course I wanted her to still be okay, but I couldn't help but think why she was coming back to me. Truly she must know what she did was a tad wrong no? I wished her the best of luck and a speedy recovery and hung up.

Another week rolled by and she texted me again. She told me she was having an anxiety attack and that I was the only person who could help her. I responded letting her know that I couldn't be that person anymore and that she was going to have to find someone else to help her. In my mind I thought why would she still think it's okay to come to me with her problems instead of going to the person who she has cheated on me with and is now pursuing. Eventually after texting for a while I told her that if she seriously needed to talk to someone she could call me (she was suicidal so I couldn't really say no). She read my text but did not respond nor call.

Another couple of days went by and she texted me again. She texted me telling me I was right about something she was learning in chemistry and how difficult it was. I responded telling her I know and that she really needs to focus during these upcoming classes because this topic was challenging. We went back and fourth for a few minutes and then she left me on read again. That was roughly five days ago.

I guess what I'm trying to see is that from my experience and from what I've learned, you need to let go. If you are currently in a relationship with someone who has BPD or are experiencing a rough break up such as me, you need to understand one thing. If your partner is not currently seeking help and does not know that they have some form of disorder, it's best to leave before it's too late. Take this from someone who has experienced this first hand and who has made the mistake of staying with her. If you want what's best for your partner aswell as what's best for you, you need to understand this.

Again, thank you to everybody on here who has responded to my posts and discussions. You guys and gals are truly lifesavers.

[Educated_Guess]

Hiscaru, thanks for sharing your story!  You have certainly gone through a lot of pain.  You seem to have good gut instincts and you follow them.  It took me years to learn that myself.

It sounds like she's trying to pull you back in by trying to engage your White Knight tendencies to come in and save her.  The silent treatment you get afterwards is probably punishment for you because you have not responded in the way she wanted.  She'll probably continue to try to do this but you are setting your boundaries and that is good.

Let me also say that you have a fantastic, clear writing style for someone so young!

[Hiscaru]

I appreciate it, I encourage everyone to talk about their experience as I find it very therapeutic. It's a hard and long road, but their is light at the end of the tunnel.

[itsmeSnap]

it's best to leave before it's too late. Take this from someone who has experienced this first hand and who has made the mistake of staying with her

I have dated a BPD person before, though not cheated on because we weren't exclusive, I did experience her being with someone else.

This is a serious, honest question from someone who has a very particular issue with being told to leave "because of BPD": did you ever know it was "too late"?

from your story it seems like you both were young, a two year relationship is a long time when you are highschool young, and its not apparent to me whether there were any other breakups or hiccups even, besides the cheating. so, when did you realize it was a mistake to stay? when was it "staying" and not just being in a seemingly loving relationship with a terrible secret you hadn't learned about yet?

It seems to me like you didn't actually "stay", you cut contact with her right after you learned of her infidelity.

How someone could get into my car who I treated like an absolute princess, and sit there emotionless is beyond me.

Did she owe you love because of how you treated her? of course not, just as you didn't owe her anything when she came back trying to get sympathy from you playing damsel in distress, even if suicidal distress.

I was told recently by someone I've been dating that she had lost interest in me and she didn't tell me before because she "didn't want to hurt me". Could your ex had thought about you two not being a good match and decided "not to hurt you" by going behind your back? maybe she was waiting for "the right time" to break up with you, right after she had the other dude securely with her maybe?

I knew someone who did exactly that, played "good girlfriend" for a year while cheating with a married man, her not letting go of her boyfriend because he still hadn't divorced his wife and she didn't want to be alone even though she despised her current boyfriend. She was young, about 22 at the time, with an angry boyfriend who hit her but proclaimed to love her with all his heart.

Some people are really good actors, and others are really clueless romantics. I know I was a few years back, noticing these things is a skill that needs to be learned.

I'm being harsh here maybe, but its a pattern I've heard about way to often for it to be a coincidence or even something "people with BPD do".

[Hiscaru]

The answer to your first question is rather simple, no. I always knew in the relationship that something wasn't quite normal about her. The way she acted and the way she would conduct herself proved to me that their was something else going on. I went to therapy after I broke up with her, and upon going to therapy attempted to construct an analysis based off of the traits and characteristics she had. I came to the conclusion, along with a professional in the field, that every trait she possessed match perfectly with that of someone who has BPD.

You are correct, she didn't owe me anything. That being said she did owe me an explanation, which she failed to do. I asked her several times why she did what she did, to no avail. She would simply shrug off the question and attempt to talk about something completely unrelated. Reflecting back on the situation it is certainly possible that she in fact did have feelings for this other guy and did in fact wait until the right moment to make a move, however, this does not justify the manner of which she did it. A normal and typical response in my opinion would be to simply cut ties, tell your significant other how you truly feel, and then move on. What she did went against everything entirely. She lied to me, deceived me, and used me until the very last second, then she made her move and did what she wanted to do.

To put this in context, I'll tell more of my story. After finding out she cheated on me and after talking to her about it, I made the mistake of attempting to fix our situation and forgive. She would ask me to drive her to school, which I did, ask for help on homework, which I did, and ask me to come to her lacrosse games, which I did. This continued for two weeks. I saw a false sense of hope, I thought that by me proving my worth to her and proving my love and devotion to her, that I would "win her back." Looking back at it now, I couldn't have been any more of a fool. Despite the effort and commitment, she in the end decided to not come back. This to some extend was a blessing, but at the time it took me by absolute surprise.

To say that their were no hiccups or problems would be a lie, their were a few. It wasn't anything serious in my mind and stemmed from the fact that she was in high school and I was not. When we were in school together I was her guardian angel. We would meet up after every class and walk through the halls, have lunch together, and go to and from school together. I think the transition from having me by her side consistently to not having me there may have impacted her more then I thought.

I regret not having caught on to it sooner, and I regret the way that I handled things in the end. I stick by my point in that if your current partner or ex is not diagnosed and is not getting help, you need to understand the big picture. People with this disorder will use you, they will change into the person that you want them to be, and the second they are gone they are gone for good. You can't make the mistake of trying to forgive like I did, it only makes it worse.

[Educated_Guess]

Did she owe you love because of how you treated her? of course not, just as you didn't owe her anything when she came back trying to get sympathy from you playing damsel in distress, even if suicidal distress.

Snap, this is profound!