I feel like an amoeba-expected to split into 2 different people

[Amoeba]

Our adult BPD daughter and her 5 yo daughter live with hubby and me. I am support system for the BPD daughter. 

Hubby and daughter fight almost constantly and each of them tries to pull me to their side of the fight. Not a good situation for our grand daughter.

Hubby got an ultimatum from me to seek counseling for his need to get immediately drunk the moment he gets home from work. He claims it is the only way he can deal with daughter. I’ve had to remind him that he was doing this before she moved in. I am expecting a diagnosis of narcissism. He begins counseling today.

That’s the short version of my situation. I look forward to any thoughts provided.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Amoeba
I am glad to meet you and sorry for what brings you here. This is the right place for you to get the help and support you need as you negotiate your relationships with your husband and daughter. It sounds like you may be dealing with some unhealthy triangulation. Your description of being pulled apart as being like an ameoba splitting is right on target. Some triangulation happens in our family too when my DS24XPWBPD tries to get between my husband and I by complaining to one of us about the other. We are working on that. Here is an article about the Kaufman Triangle that I found to be really helpful: Karpman Triangle
Here is an excerpt: "Simply put, when someone finds themself in conflict with another person they will reach out to a third person. The resulting triangle (e.g., three-person exchange) is more comfortable as the tension is shifted around three people instead of just two."

I hope this helps. Please do keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. You are not alone. Things CAN get better.