How do you respond to passive aggressive behavior

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi,

I wonder if any of you have any experience or advices on passive aggressive behavior of loved ones wBPD.

Thanks,
Seekinghelp

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Seekinghelp

What kind of passive aggressive behaviours are you dealing with?  My DD was pretty difficult to communicate with as a teen unknowingly with BPD, depression... I wish I'd had the skills and tools available here at the time.

WDx

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi Wendydarling,

I meant silent treatment, or intentional procrastination, for very simple request, such as having breakfast or dinner, or even going to the movie theaters.

[SkellyII]

I meant silent treatment, or intentional procrastination, for very simple request, such as having breakfast or dinner, or even going to the movie theaters.

Yes, both my 16 year old DD and my udBPD ex are masters of it. I've learned to just ignore it, which frustrates them.

[Seekinghelp25]

Thank you Skellyll!
I used to get so hurtful by the silent treatment.
But I think ignore it, and only taking it at face value is a good strategy. 

[SkellyII]

Thank you Skellyll!
I used to get so hurtful by the silent treatment.
But I think ignore it, and only taking it at face value is a good strategy. 

I do have to warn you though, that the ignoring is invalidating to them. As far as my ex, I honestly don't care. With my daughter, I usually try not to invalidate her feelings or actions, but sometimes it's better to let some things go.

[wendydarling]

Hi Seekinghelp

It does hurt, I think it's important to understand why? I agree with you and SkellyII.  The simple requests like dinner … my strategy ended up where I cooked one meal a day, dinner and if I got 'not hungry' my response was 'ok it's in the fridge' and was almost always eaten. Breakfast and lunch was fend for yourself ...  I learnt in my case there was no intention to hurt, it was DD's illness and pushing my issues was not helping either of us, our core relationship. DD was pretty unable to do anything 2015 when dx at 26, I accepted that. As long as DD was attending DBT goal was achieved, nothing else mattered. I paid for a cab to take DD to DBT, it was important she did this independently, owned her recovery, mental health. DD watched endless films (not a gamer) etc and I believe this was to calm her mind, all the negative thoughts. Our children want to keep up with 'life' and feel their letting everyone down including themselves. A very mature friend of hers talked to DD for a number of hours late 2016 and persuaded her to 'stop running' give up her job and spend 24/7 getting well and life was waiting for her and everyone was with her. DD was so relieved. Keep asking questions and sharing, I gained knowledge I needed and strength and determination from the wonderful support of parents here.   For me it was about standing in DD's shoes, meeting her where she was, is, she knew I got it and get it, we are working in the same direction. Today she has a thoughtful collaborative approach to home living and if she needs to calm herself and work on her skills she takes time out.

DD made it through school, uni, it was painful and she wishes she knew then what she knows now about herself.

There is a great article and members conversation and experiences here  BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

Seekinghelp, what is your biggest challenge, concern at this time?  

WDx  

[livednlearned]

I meant silent treatment, or intentional procrastination, for very simple request, such as having breakfast or dinner, or even going to the movie theaters.

SD22 can be passively aggressive, and as far as I can tell it's about control. Sometimes it's about control of her feelings and sometimes it's about control of me -- they can be related.

If she's in control, then she's in a one-up position, much preferable to feeling out-of-control and worthless, I guess.

The silent treatment happens less. When it occurs, I treat it as her best strategy for regulating intense emotions. She cannot stay in it for long because it doesn't elicit the correct response (family members mostly ignore it) so verbal aggression usually follows.

[wendydarling]

OOPs I posted same twice

Hi Seekinghelp

It does hurt, I think it's important to understand why? The simple requests like dinner … my strategy ended up where I cooked one meal a day, dinner and if I got 'not hungry' my response was 'ok it's in the fridge' and was almost always eaten. Breakfast and lunch was fend for yourself ...  I learnt in my case there was no intention to hurt, it was DD's illness and pushing my issues was not helping either of us, our core relationship. DD was pretty unable to do anything by 2015 when dx, I accepted that. As long as DD was attending DBT goal was achieved, nothing else mattered. I paid for a cab to take DD to DBT, it was important she did this independently, owned her recovery, mental health. DD watched endless films etc and I believe this was to calm her mind, all the negative thoughts. Our children want to keep up with 'life' and feel their letting everyone down including themselves. A very mature friend of hers talked to DD for a number of hours late 2016 and persuaded her to give up her job and spend 24/7 getting well and life was waiting for her and everyone was with her. DD was so relieved. Keep asking questions and sharing, I gained knowledge I needed and strength and determination from the wonderful support of parents here.   For me it was about standing in DD's shoes, meeting her where she was, is, she knew I got it and get it. Today she has a thoughtful collaborative approach to home living and if she needs to calm herself and work on her skills she takes time out.

There is a great article and members conversation and experiences here  BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

What is your biggest challenge, concern at this time?  

WDx

[Seekinghelp25]

I do have to warn you though, that the ignoring is invalidating to them. As far as my ex, I honestly don't care. With my daughter, I usually try not to invalidate her feelings or actions, but sometimes it's better to let some things go.

I have been thinking about the invalidating part for a while.  May be I can be less invalidating by still showing care towards DS, but ignore the silent treatment, and not taking it personality. 

[Seekinghelp25]

Wendydarling,

Thank you for the link.  It is a great article.

My biggest challenge and concern at the moment is find the best strategy to help DS be on the road of recovery.  May be sometimes I need to remind myself to be patient, patient and patient.

LivedandLearned,

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I feel DS's silent treatment is way of acting out.  It is meant to control and provoke.  There were times the silent treatment escalate to verbal abuse or worse.  I am trying to find the best way to react, without escalation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

How do you usually respond when there is a silent treatment?

[Mirsa]

I call it out by naming and labeling it.  I say, "Oh, so I see you are going to be passive aggressive by giving me the silent treatment right now.  Well, I don't like it, I don't appreciate it, and that is not acceptable behavior to me.  It is passive aggressive and that is a form of anger that is not fair to dump on me.  If you are angry, it is YOUR feeling and YOUR job to take care of that feeling.  Please remove yourself until you have better control." 

Tbh, the response then is generally an explosion of some sort, and then I address that more direct form of anger in a similar fashion.  Ultimately, I've had to make decisions about removing myself from the presence of the person until they had a better handle on their anger.  I hate being around people who are angry like this.

Feeling very fortunate that she has moved out and this is no longer a part of my daily life.   She has cut off communication with me, which is also a huge relief.   She is living with her father now, and lately, he seems pretty stressed out, which is no surprise at all.

[Seekinghelp25]

How do you usually respond when there is a silent treatment?

DS's silent treatment usually comes out of nowhere, without obvious reason or sign. I think my mistake was trying to get the why behind the silent treatment.  This usually pushed him to anger outburst, and accusation of me being hovering and not respecting his privacy.

I guess it is better to ignore the silence treatment, and get on with my own things. 

[livednlearned]

I guess it is better to ignore the silence treatment, and get on with my own things. 

I think it's also ok to recognize it as a form of verbal abuse. It's an attempt to make you feel erased, which is probably how he feels. He wants you to feel how he feels, a primitive and unskilled way for him to manufacture validation.

Ignoring it can take many forms. You can give him the silent treatment back, which perpetuates abuse. You can try to appease him, which sort of rewards his unskilled way of dealing with his feelings. Or you can look at it as an opportunity to model healthy ways to manage intense feelings by taking care of yourself and building strength for anything that might come next.

[Seekinghelp25]

Or you can look at it as an opportunity to model healthy ways to manage intense feelings by taking care of yourself and building strength for anything that might come next.

I guess I am trying to find out what is the healthy way to deal with silent treatment from family member with BPD.

[livednlearned]

What are ways you take care of yourself, Seekinghelp25?

Going for a walk, meeting up with friends, exercising? Anything in particular that fills your cup...

[Seekinghelp25]

What are ways you take care of yourself, Seekinghelp25?

Going for a walk, meeting up with friends, exercising? Anything in particular that fills your cup...

I do all of the above, plus regular meditation.  There were a period of time, right after DS was hospitalized, when I was not able to do anything of those.  But I realized that it only increased my anxiety and resentment towards DS.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes self care means talking, or posting here.

Next time DS has an episode of silent treatment, do you think it would be helpful to share with friends here what you're experiencing?