Processing everything

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just want to say to all that have responded to this post I will reply to all your kind messages shortly, I'm not ignoring them 

[clvrnn]

I just want to say to all that have responded to this post I will reply to all your kind messages shortly, I'm not ignoring them 

[JNChell]

Hey , clever. I’m watching “”Guardians of the Galaxy “. Not really because I’m typing. It’s a pretty good flick. Have you seen it?

[HopelessBroken]

I know how you are feeling. I’ve been there.  It’s brutal. You don’t know if the pain will ever end. Here’s one thing I do know, that I think it’s important to share with you.

It seems like you are really upset over the thought of her with someone else. This new victim she is communicating with, she will do the same thing to. She cannot pick and chose who she turns her personality disorder on for. It’s always on. It guides her thoughts and actions.

You could be the most amazing man on the planet (and most likely are amazing) and the outcome would have been the same.

[clvrnn]

I know how you are feeling. I’ve been there.  It’s brutal. You don’t know if the pain will ever end. Here’s one thing I do know, that I think it’s important to share with you.

It seems like you are really upset over the thought of her with someone else. This new victim she is communicating with, she will do the same thing to. She cannot pick and chose who she turns her personality disorder on for. It’s always on. It guides her thoughts and actions.

You could be the most amazing man on the planet (and most likely are amazing) and the outcome would have been the same.

It doesn't feel as if the pain will ever end, no. I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever.

I really am upset by that thought, yes. She would tell me that she never wanted a relationship, to be free to sleep with others (even though she confessed she was just telling me that and that she didn't actually want anyone else) even though we would act like a couple and well, in my mind we pretty much were one.

I feel like he is going to get all of everything now, all the commitment, relationship title, etc.

Of course. I do agree with you. She is who she is and she would always talk about how horrible she can be in a relationship, and that is one of the reasons she broke it off with me - because she hated being someone that was angry and anxious all the time. I guess she doesn't hate it that much.

But you are right. Even if they end up in a full relationship she will still be the same person. Still full of anger, still full of every other issue she showed me.

[clvrnn]

Ruminations are terrible and they just have a way of soaking into everything we are doing and thinking.  As you try to get distracted, think about other things little by little.  It will break in tiny pieces.  Try and sleep, try and eat, cry when it comes, be angry all you need to. I have been there and am there right now.

Ruminations are horrible, I agree. No matter what I do or where I go, the thoughts just persist. I'm sorry to hear you are also in the same situation, and I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply to these.

she was no good for you and it would not have gotten better, imagining it would is something we get stuck on.

It does get better so slowly you won't see or feel it so quickly, sometimes days later and it will come.  It happens with separation from her, physically and MENTALLY.

She wasn't good for me at all. The image I had of her before I got to know her is very different from the image I have of her now. I have had depression for years but it is only with her that I saw the development of anxiety and quite severe anxiety, at that. It feels really slow. Sometimes feels like it's going backwards.

Going back to University...

You need to prepare how you want to feel prior to seeing her.  You know it will be upsetting, you have the opportunity to be stronger before that time.  This time is damaging, so damaging.  You lost yourself in the rs before, now you have yourself back, you'll see and open yourself up to it.

It is going to be difficult. I already know that. In my mind I'd like to go back looking and feeling better - not just for her, but for my own confidence and happiness. I don't think she will talk to me, and that's going to be hard. Seeing her and knowing she's got a life going on that I know nothing about is going to hurt. Even if she tries to be friends with me and I'm still hurting, that will be painful too.

We have all imagined that the speech, the lecture, the note, the letter will finally get through to her and either she'll wake up and see all she'd done and become accountable for it all OR, she'll validate all your feelings in order to be fulfilled.

Yes, definitely. I did that the last time I sent her an email. I spent days writing that and making sure it was as considerate to her as I could make it, and still really explaining quite thoroughly how much I wanted to make things work. I just got no response, which is worse than if I'd gotten a response.

I know from experience that she will never feel bad. The first time she broke up with me and I told her how I felt about what she'd done - I called her emotionally insensitive, and she told me I was insulting her, and blocked me. I know we all experence things differently, but she was being insensitive and I don't think that was an insult - more of a firm criticism, if anything. So there's no point even trying to say anything. She will ignore me, insult me, or blame me.

[clvrnn]

Hi clvmn,

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting, you are grieving and it is a process and it will take time. I like to share the information from this site because so many things here have helped me.  So I'd like to share a link with you about dealing with ruminations, there may be some ideas here that might be helpful to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Take Care,
Panda

Hello - thank you for taking the time out to reply. I'm going to have a look at this link, I think any help I can get is vital at this stage. Thank you.

[clvrnn]

There is another forum I have been visiting online which is for those people who have been or still are involved with someone who has BPD, and I won't name it but I find that sometimes it triggers very negative feelings and thoughts within me. It seems to be a lot of angry men, cursing their exes, using terms like 'discard' and if you bring up that your ex hasn't been in contact with you for a while - "you've been replaced!". That may be true in some instances, but I am finding that narrative to be a bit harmful to my own wellbeing, now.

I have found this website to be much softer, offering more of an individual, analytical and helpful look at relationships with pwBPD, and not just the same aggressive advice every time. I feel a lot safer here, to be honest.

For example, myself and my ex and our situation - quite complex, and she is someone that avoids relationships because she can't handle the feelings involved. She also uses avoidance as a tactic when things are overwhelming (she's told me this) and yes she can be abusive towards me - but these nuances in her behaviour are overlooked on that forum. I'm just told she's discarded me and is with someone else, which is why when I saw that playlist of hers I immediately assumed she is with someone else, with concrete conviction in mind.

The truth is that while she MIGHT be with someone else, that playlist doesn't offer me any real evidence to that. She might have just compiled a playlist for a friend, she might have compiled it for a partner, she might have even have made the name up and has placed it there so that I react to it (that is outlandish, I know!)

My friend thinks she has made it up, and that she wants me to react because she hasn't heard from me in a while. My friend doesn't say things to help me out and is a very no nonsense person, and is often right about situations like this, I do trust her opinions and ideas. I don't know if my ex would do that, but it would make a lot of sense.

I digress. My point is that my own anxiety is exacerbated by that other forum, and truthfully I do not know whether my ex is with someone else. Based on how she would speak about being involved with someone and how it makes her feel, mentally? It would surprise me if she is. I don't know. I don't think there was much of a point to this post.

I really appreciate everyone here. You do feel like a family. I'm sorry I haven't been offering much advice to anyone else. I am sending my laptop away for repair today so when it comes back I will post some replies on other threads and repay the help I've been given.

Clvrnn x

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread, and thanks to all who participated.