New Person on the Block looking for input

[UtterlyConfused]

I have an adult daughter (39) the I believe suffers from BPD.  She has two children ages 16 and 13.  They are all currently living with me.  The tension in the house is almost unbearable.  I am having a hard time establishing boundaries, she uses my grandchildren as pawns and it breaks my heart.  The communication between my BPD and myself seems to be deteriorating.  I have gone to NAMI, Alanon and reading books to learn how to communicate, but she always finds a way to twist my words around to make her the victim and me the bad guy.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi and Welcome, UtterlyConfused!

I'm so sorry to hear of the troubles you're having but I'm glad you found us and are reaching out for support.

You'll find many other members here who are going through similar struggles, we are learning together how to enjoy more peaceful lives, there is hope.

I'm a grandma as well and I know how heartbreaking it is when my GS4 (4 year old grandson) is used against me, it's just awful.

I recommend that you read and learn all you can about BPD and we can definitely help there - we've lots and lots of articles and workshops. A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

The best thing about  bpdfamily is the supportive community filled with lots of others who are learning. Post here, read and join other's threads, you will begin to build a support network, so critical when navigating these intense relationships.

What are the behaviors that led you to suspect BPD?

I'm glad you've joined us, UtterlyConfused

~ OH

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi There,

I am new to the community as well, and is learning and practicing different strategies to diffuse the angry outbursts.

I find the S.E.T strategy works well during an altercation.  It is best not engage, and back out. 
When our loved one wBPD said something hurtful to us,  our first reaction usually is trying to justify ourselves, and explain our side of the story.  This usually leads to endless argumentative cycles that goes nowhere.   

The better choice is to validate how they feel.  You can say things like "I know you are really upset / angry at the moment..."  And  then may be simply state how you feel.   Example "However, I feel hurtful that you think I am a liar..." And then simply walk out by  telling your loved one that you don't want to argue at this moment, and will talk when you both are calm.

I know how hard it is to set the boundaries.  For me, it is almost like declaring a war. It warrants a well thought out plan.  I think if I am planning to set any boundary, I will ask myself the following questions.

1.  Define the boundary, and the reasons for the boundary.

2.  When is the right time to talk to the loved one about the boundary.  (This is probably the hardest to answer.  Because sometimes there is just no right time).

3.  The consequence if the boundary is breached.  Are you absolutely willing to carry it out?(You have to, if the boundary is already set.)
 
4.  How the loved one will react to the consequence.  Think about the worst case scenarios.

I am sorry you are in a rough spot right now.  Please know that you are not alone.

-SeekingHelp

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Utterly confused
I join the others in welcoming you to the group and assuring you that you came to the right place for help and support
 I know what you mean about the constant tension in the house. When our 24 yr old BPD son lived with us it eas very difficult to cope with the drama. Seeking Help gave some great advice about developing boundaries. Does it make sense to you? Welcome