exBPD is charming the therapist, now what

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
I have somewhat already lost the upper edge with the therapist.  ExBPD is putting on her charming act with the therapist to the point the therapist is telling me how nice and docile exBPD is.  The only defense I have is the nasty emails and I'm hoping to do some damage control with them.  I've been keeping at 30,000 during the sessions but need a place to vent my feelings, ( bpdfamily.com).  Any ideas?

[worriedStepmom]

Have you had a chance to bring up the issues that bother you, or is it only uBPDex listing her issues so far?

[once removed]

who is seeing the therapist, and for what purpose?

[Newyoungfather]

This is the therapy for my son.  ExBPD has instilled in my sons mind that "I beat him".  One of the first things out of the therapist mouth was how sweet and kind the mother of my child is, etc, etc.

[StillHopeful73]

I definitely feel for you. It is extremely frustrating to hear that kind of talk from a professional when you know the truth. The fact you are keeping calm during this, especially after her claims, is the way to go. These types of people are often masterminds at manipulation but they can only keep it up for so long. If this therapist is any good she will see through your ex at some point.will you have a chance at any point in time to meet separately and show the emails?

[mart555]

Is the therapist aware of the BPD?  Definitely try to have a private session with the therapist.  He/she should be able to notice signs of it.

[zachira]

Therapists are often told that a sign that a client has BPD is first they like you, then they hate you, and the cycle continues. Some therapists are very vulnerable to a client's charm as they are very needy for validation, and this type of behavior often requires outside supervision because of how negatively it impacts the clients.  It is inappropriate for a therapist to tell you that your son's mother is nice and docile. The therapist's job is to observe the family interactions and help to improve them, while trying to be as objective as possible. You should definitely speak privately with the therapist about your concerns, and if you do not feel heard you could complain to the state board that oversees the licensing of therapists.

[Panda39]

Is this a court ordered Therapist?

Was your son's mom present when the Therapist said this? 

How many visits have you had with the Therapist so far?

I agree with the others your son's mom will likely start showing her true colors at some point.  Remember the behaviors are most often seen by those closest to the person with BPD.  This may just take some time.

Panda39

[once removed]

This is the therapy for my son.

in that case, do you need an upper edge?

[Newyoungfather]

@Panda39
All together there has been 5 or so visits, the mother of my child was not present when therapist says this. 
When I say "upper hand" I mean that it seems the therapist has been scrutinizing me with my son more so than the mother of my child.

[zachira]

Can you show the therapist that you genuinely put your son first or do you think the therapist is too biased to see you in a more favorable light?

[formflier]

I would encourage you NOT to see therapy as a court battle where (fill in the blank) is going to be proved...and there is a winner and looser.

As far as presenting whacky behaviors:  Perhaps approach it as saying there are things you don't understand and need to learn better responses too.

"I don't understand our relationship when (fill in the blank)."   "I responded with (blank) and that didn't seem to be helpful..or perhaps made it worse" 

"How can I improve my responses to (blank)"

Rather than saying "she is bad because she (blank)"

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Saying "My ex has BPD" or "I think a PD such as BPD..." may not be a good way to start.  Courts and agencies don't seem to like parents to "Play Doctor".  (Well, unless you are a trained professional in that field and even then you're not supposed to diagnose or treat someone within your family or emotional connections.)

Courts and professionals usually stick with the behaviors and behavior patterns.  Same with the evaluators, counselors and therapists.  It's almost like the last thing they are willing to acknowledge is that there can be a diagnosis to explain the behaviors.  You are wise to do so as well - focus on documenting the behaviors and behavior patterns.

At some point you can ask, "I've been trying to figure out why my ex does those {documented poor behaviors} and I keep getting directed to acting-out Personality Disorders.  What do you know about them?  Could that explain some of the behaviors I and our children have experienced?"

[scraps66]

Is the therapist aware of the BPD?  Definitely try to have a private session with the therapist.  He/she should be able to notice signs of it.

If the therapist isn't aware of BPD and that doesn't get factored into the therapy, I have learned the effectiveness can be nil.  Can also make things worse if the BP is just collecting info during the sessions to use against you.  MANY therapists refuse to get into the parental dynamic because they just don't know what to do with a BP.

[Newyoungfather]

@Foreverdad, Yes I agree with you, I've been spending a decent amount of time printing out emails, text messages so I have some type of proof to bring to court.  There is a pattern of bad behaviors and a cycle that always repeats itself.

[livednlearned]

Are you aware of any behaviors in those sessions that might give the T reason to side with BPDx?

What behaviors do you think the therapist might be scrutinizing in you?

[Newyoungfather]

ExBPD will use against me that I don't respond when she will ask me the same question over and over again or I ignore questions that don't have anything to do with my son.  My L said this shouldn't be a problem but you never know what a BPD will say in court.

[formflier]

ExBPD will use against me that I don't respond when she will ask me the same question over and over again or I ignore questions that don't have anything to do with my son.  My L said this shouldn't be a problem but you never know what a BPD will say in court.

I agree with your L..that won't be a problem.  If she pushes this angle in court, it could actually be to your benefit.

FF