Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 26, 2019, 12:53:02 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familar, Flourdust, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, FaithHopeLoveKC, formflier, I Am Redeemed, itsmeSnap, Ozzie101, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Over 20 years and I am still not getting it.  (Read 160 times)
yamada
****
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 287


« on: May 09, 2019, 11:36:00 PM »

My parents are ageing rapidly aging . They are 89 (endad and a  lifetime of avoiding or exploding at problems )  and 84 undx narcissist mum who loves nothing better to be the centre of attention and nasty woman and which I say to carers she was always this way, now she cants control it.)  My sister  (major trauma ?BPD,the golden child. ) and I have spent the last 15 years fighting each other over my 'destroying the family' and what a lousey daughter I am.
 I have been helping them over 2 years but I am not being their carer. My sister and I  have sjust started using my husband to communicate, but the other day we had to meet up for intervention because my parents have both lost their licence and mum has been driving.
When my sister is good she is great and we unstoppable, but  like the girl with the curl on her forehead, but when she is bad its awful.

My relationship with my parents and my sister I have no doubt messed with my kids heads. They can tolerate me helping my parents but my kids see it as domestic violence with my sister and we are in the 'honeymoon phase when it's good. My sister and  started messaging directly because I went through the same thought patterns of maybe this time it will be different and in my guts I think I am wishful thinking................................................................

And in that, I just answered my own question.....I am going to use contact via my husband and strictly business.

I just need a kick in the pants to remind me not to leap forward in futile hoping, very time I do.

 
Logged
Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 3921



« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2019, 08:39:47 AM »

Hi yamada Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Accepting this harsh reality isn't easy and radical acceptance (unfortunately) is something that really requires continual work over and over again.

How does your sister treat your children?

Also, how does your sister treat your husband? How does your husband feel about being the conduit for communication between you and your sister?

Take care Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

The Board Parrot
Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Harri
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 4689



« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2019, 03:19:03 PM »

Hope... it is what makes detaching and acceptance so difficult.

Parrot: 
Excerpt
Accepting this harsh reality isn't easy and radical acceptance (unfortunately) is something that really requires continual work over and over again.
Yes.  I still find some small flame of hope burning in me...  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
Logged

     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
Libra
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 224



« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2019, 04:39:26 AM »

Hi Yamada,

Somewhere deep down we all still hope for better.
Do not beat yourself up for opening the door just a crack. You tried, you saw no improvements, and you managed to throw the door back in the lock.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Would you want to be able to stay in direct contact if not for your parents?

All the best,

Libra.

Logged

Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
yamada
****
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 287


« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2019, 01:07:40 AM »

I dont know......and I am taking some time off from my parents.they are insatiable and selfish and do my head in.  They don't realise that they are in their home because of me and my sister......... I am not even acknowledged on assessments and they tell carer assessors that I cause them stress and anxiety because they cant gaslight me any more and I will not tolerate their behaviour.  its a kick in the guts....so they can manage
Logged
madeline7
***
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 140


« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2019, 09:09:58 AM »

Just a quick note to say I understand how challenging all of this is, and especially issues around care taking and helping elderly parents. I knew things would be tough if my enabler Dad passed before my uBPDm, and my worst nightmare came true 3 years ago. It has been hell since, and tension between my siblings heightened at that time as well. I am in the middle of some drama right now involving getting my Mom from independent living to assisted living , so have to run, but big hugs to you.
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2018-2019 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
2020
_EndofLine_
12years
40days_in_desert
55books
99tesla
Aegina
agapanthus
Akiah
AKV
alphabeta
anafili
AnalogGuy
Andrew Towle
AnuDay
apocalypsenow
AriesTears
AskingWhy
aslowrealization
Astray
At Bay
babyducks
Baglady
batcon
beatrixkiddo
BeenThereB4
bestintentions
BetterLanes
bgg2745
Bittlecat
Ble55ed
BobbyLongshot
BobsBurger
BodieMarie
Boll Weevil
Boll2017
btfly745
BuckeyHusband
busybee1116
Butch13
Caco Canepa
Cat Familiar
ccjaxmom
ccpow
chayka
Chelle3
chillamom
chump
Chynna
Circle
cj488
ClearPath
clvrnn
CookieMonster80
Copycat2018
coworkerfriend
crestfallen72
CryWolf
Deb
defogging
devnid
DharmaGate
Dignity&Strength
DivDad
Dkandyk
Dotner
DoubleBP2018
Doughboy
drained1996
dumpsterdog
Duped 1
eeps
eggshelldad
Ela2011
Elpis51
Enabler
Enjoysnooker
Ex-Mother-In-Law
Eye438
FaithHopeLoveKC
fb97
Feeling Better
Fie
Firstintime
foggydew
ForeverDad
ForeverDevoted
Fossil49
Fragileweed
Francesca92
freespirit
Gemsforeyes
gettingoverit
gloveman
gorges
gotbushels
Greta1988
Hadenoughtimes4
HappyChappy
HarborBP
Harley Quinn
Harri
heartandwhole
Help_WifeIsCrazy
Hope26
hope2727
Hope80
Hopeful15
houseofelvis
Hyacinth Bucket
I Am Redeemed
IamWoman
Iloveher
incadove
Isanni
jdc
JeanGenie
Jerome Finn
JoeBPD81
joeramabeme
jones54
Jonthan
just me.
k-bliss
k54
kabunk
KarlTOO
Lbjnltx
Leah66
Learning Fast
Learnnow
leenlou
Libra
LilMe
Long_term_dad
Lovelycat
lovenature
Loving a BP
loyalwife
Luan
Lucky Jim
mama-wolf
Manifest32f
Maniplus
Maple
maried
Markey
MARS22
MeandThee29
mims
mmelibrarian
Momofadultbpd
mousemat
Mousse
mscj
mumabear
Mustbeabetterway
Mutt
naturalturn
ncDaisy2
nedley
needPeace
NGU
no_more_guilt
Northern girl
NorthernGirl
Notgoneyet
OffRoad
Omega1
Only Human
otherlife
Pam Letgo
Panda39
pcglee
peaceandlove
PeacefulMom
Pina colada
pjmanley41
prof
ProudDad12
Pugman
purpletrixie
QBert
qcarolr
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Red5
RedRyder
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
risingup4
robotss
Rocko
RolandOfEld
Sad4Her
sadandlonely
SamwizeGamgee
schwing
SCM
Scottie345
scrambledbeans
sdyakca
seahorse
seekerofgrace
Seekinghelp25
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
sklamath
SkyAntoine
smallbluething
Solidshadow
Soulslider
Spam591
spero
sterlingblue
Stevenson
still around
stimpy
stolencrumbs
StressedOutDaily
SuCanDo
Sumsaam
SweetCharlotte
sweetheart
Sweetpea18
Swimmy55
takingandsending
taoyr2000
Tattered Heart
tbone1689
Teno
terranova79
theschnitz
tinker0608
Tinkerbelle
trappeddad
TRB
trumpetjazzman
truthbeknown
Tsultan
twocrazycats
TylersMom
utnapishtim428
Vanilla Sky
Vexed
walkinthepark247
Want2Know
Waveney
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
whirlpoollife
Whoad
why-how-whatnow
WileyCoyote
wilting
WindofChange
Woolspinner2000
Yaffle
zemara
Zen606
zoome46

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!