Advice on how to approach a repeated pattern

[Oxo]

I'm at a loss . I am currently living away from the marital home following more upheaval . But my wife has continually booked short breaks with our mutual friends and never tells me. Today I called into some friends and was informed of a short holiday that has been booked for the 4 of us. Obviously they were embarrassed when I said I did not know about it. In the past when she did something similar our long time friends said they didn't think it was on to her that I wasn't involved which resulted in a major argument and my wife turning them into hate figures and although I still call in to see them they will have nothing to do with my wife. Any tips or advice to manage this would be greatful.

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[Hart_Payne]

Oxo,

I'm sorry about your situation, but do you think it was a control issue on her part? A way to feel engaged with them? It's hard to say why, without insight of how she dealt with things in the past. Either way if you try to talk to her on what her rationale of why she didn't include you in the decision making.

If she explained her case, did it make sense? I guess from the way your mutually friends still talk to you, she might have done something that they are not comfortable with either.

[Oxo]

Afraid our friends are quite embarrassed. Unfortunately when she did this a couple of years ago another long term friend (and godmother to our daughter) told her it was not fair on me and unfortunately my wife fell out and won't talk to her now. My daughter has lost a "aunty" and feels unable to continue to connect with her. Before this our friend 'walked on water" in my wires eyes but now is a monster.
It does feel more about excluding me .

[itsmeSnap]

My first thought is to talk things through with your friends. If this is indeed a "pattern", it would keep happening and you don't have to lose friends and family over this.

Her booking things together sounds like a very dysfunctional way of signaling she'd like to spend more time with you but hoping your mutual friends will convince you to it, or take the "couple's day out" pressure off by it being a friends thing or something.

Again, sounds to me like a very dysfunctional way of reaching out for help, but more details might shed some light on her true intentions.

Keep contact with friends, respect their own privacy and boundaries (don't go asking around if your wife has been contacting them) but if it comes up, everyone can agree to a simple course of action, like checking in with you before agreeing to plans, and most important I think is that they understand not to lash out at her.

Also, no need to disclose your own relationship issues to them if you don't feel comfortable, things resolve (either improve or end either way) and friends can be quick to pick a side and hold on to things you two may have already worked through.

Despite the turmoil, she's a friend. some consideration should be allowed for her struggles to avoid further collateral damage to relationships I think.

Have you kept contact with your daughter's godmother? What happened back then?

[Hart_Payne]

Sounds like the classic "splitting" defense. Either they are the best person or the worst person in the world. No middle ground, but they (friends) were never the cause the problem. And that's where the not taking responsibility for their own actions (BPD) comes in.

And the excluding you sounds like that you might have a different input on the decisions. And to stop you from speaking your mind, she did things without you and felt that you should just go along with it.

I'm just assuming, but I've been in that situation before. Control issues