How do I respond to accusations?

[GoodMan]

All,

I’m looking for specific examples on how to respond not using “JADE” responses to accusations,

My pwBPD  is very focused on an ex and constantly accuses me of lying about talking to and seeing her. I haven’t voluntarily spoke to to her in many years. The only contact we’ve had was because my pwBPD stalks her and demands that I tell her to go away.

I need very specific examples on hot to respond when being accused of something.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oftentimes]

It’s hard to say without more info - when you say she’s wants you to tell her to go away, do you mean bc she believes you’ve been in contact even though you haven’t or is your ex trying to communicate with you (perhaps to figure out why she’s being stalked)?

Whatever the case, for me, focusing on my partner’s feelings rather than the accusations has always been the best way to go. There is no way to talk him out of something he believes to be true if he doesn’t first feel understood and validated for the emotions driving the accusations. Then you go into the accusations. BPD resources use the acronym SET: support, empathy, truth.
Support: I love you and I want to support you
Empathy: I can see that you are feeling hurt and betrayed, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain right now
Truth: I haven’t contacted  my ex since, is there something I’m doing to make you feel like she is in my life right now?
Edit forgot to add: if your partner identifies w having BPD like mine does, it is always helpful to go w the above communication but add:
Or do you think that this might be your disorder affecting your perception. 9 times out of 10, if he feels supported and validated, that’s all it takes to get him to realized his perception of things is bc of his BPD not my actions.

[GoodMan]

It’s hard to say without more info - when you say she’s wants you to tell her to go away, do you mean bc she believes you’ve been in contact even though you haven’t or is your ex trying to communicate with you (perhaps to figure out why she’s being stalked)?

I wish it was that easy I hadn’t talked to her for over a year or more. My pwBPD got it in her head that there was more to the story and still happening. She stalked her and contacted her and her other friend to try and get even more info from her. She then she demanded I  tell her that I wouldn’t talk to her anymore and prove I said it. I did it. At the time we were in couples and working on healing the wound I “created”

So now every 6 weeks or so I go though “I think (insert accusation) because I saw (insert conclusions garnered by staking on social media) and you don’t have my back and I don’t love you and I’m leaving.”

My response has always been to beg and plead and deny and so on.

But nothing is happening. So I’m tired and it’s getting me nowhere.

So you're saying that my response should be...

I love you. I will always have your back. I’m sorry you feel that way.. I can understand why,but nothing is happening.

Does that sound right?

[oftentimes]

I know this is tough. Just remember, even though nothing is actually going on, her feelings of rejection/abandonment  are so intense and so real that she must put them somewhere- as the intimate partner, that usually means on you. Do you all talk about BPD in therapy? Psychoeducation for both of you could be really beneficial. If she hasn’t read the book “get me out of here” by Rachel (i forget the last name), pick up a copy and encourage her to read it.

As for if what you said is the right way to go, I don’t know, what you know your relationship and partner best. The underlying framework is the same though: don’t expect to get through to her on the reality of a situation if you haven’t first crossed the bridge of connecting with her emotionally and validating her real feelings despite their unreal impetus.