Need Help Please, in my first relationship

[Toxsick]

So, Hi everyone !
It's actually the first time I post anything on a forum and also, maybe it will be useful to already tell I'm french, so excuse if i make language mistakes.

SO ! I'm actually in my first relationship, with a girl with BPD (but my mother is also BPD, lucky me !)
It's almost 2 years we are together, i love her very deeply and i genuinely want the best for her.
She is a good person, pretty introvert i will say, she's smart and funny but also very VERY avoidant..
At first, she was obviously in love with me but the next month.. it was almost hell (yeah because it was worst later haha)  

She explained she was forced to have sex with E and a friend of my SO ( let's call her S ). Obviously i was just enraged to know that, i didn't say anything of course but i said, when we will go to S birthday's, i don't want to see you mess with S or E. She was okay, i repeated it and of course the big day come and it was a nightmare (she was dancing in a sexually way with S and so on..) At this moment i was like.. breaking in little pieces.. I make a tantrum and tell her she was horrible and what she have done is unforgivable.

Of course, i forgived her even if she didn't apologize, because for her, it was okay.
But I didn't want to lose her so.. i put it on the side.

So, we started dating the 31 may 2017. During august she was talking about her ex, september was the "dance nightmare", in october she started to be really avoidant (feeling dirty to touch or kiss me), in december I wanted to break up because she don't take care of her mental health and she was really mean with me, being harrassing and insulting me..
She finally said she'll go see a therapist, in january she started to want to break up with me because "she want to die alone".. we stayed together. In february, i was in depression because my family is also not really healthy and the stress with her was unbearable too.. She stayed at my side and helped me until she couldn't, living with me at my mother home. In.. march ? She leaved because she couldn't take it anymore (and that's okay i assume). Time fly, in may i was hit by a car (she said, she was feeling like my caretaker/nurse and not like a lover so i make ajustment for her) in end of june i almost break up with her because she hurt me again. August was a bit weird but spend great hollydays.. in october it was pure hell.

She just devalued me, splitted on me because i think she was awfully stressed by her new work. She broke up 2 times with me : the first time, i asked her to stay, she stayed and next day she said she was loving me. but a few days later she broke up again. I was a mess during this time, i didn't see her because of work, she didn't talked to me so i was worried for her but she dumped me like a PLEASE READ.. so this time I've said "okay. that's okay then come take your thing and we're done"
So she come and finally, she was crying more than me, wondering why she act like this and so on, she wanted to stay with me and she love me. Again, I said okay but i want proof so from end of november 2018 to.. january it was like a test period (she talked about me to her friend, making me look like a psycho when i said she needs help with a professionnal, so i lose them too :/)
So, we're in february 2019, everything is okay until she start to stress for her formation to become a canin educator. She was again, meanie with me so i put the stop. she calmed and even become clingy. During this formation, the first 2 weeks was cool but again, with stress and so on she started to be strange, really avoidant and "salty" enven though i was, as always, doing my best to make her feel okay. So i started to work on myself because i'm also really REALLY anxious, i've already done 2/3 depression and I think i'm also codependent, with trust issues (yeah because if i was "sane" it wouldn't be funny) and on the 2 last weeks she started to be interested by me, when she come home she was all around me, all lovey dovey during 5 days (she wanted to stay with me)
but then, these past few days she start to "don't love me " again, she say she want to cheat me, to go see other people, that i'm the big stress in her life that she have to let go.
I'm sure it's sabotaging but she believe it's the truth.. Her best friend say i'm manipulating her and that's why she feel so weak and unable to break up with me.

For me, i'm really kind, honestly. I'm really patient with her and I want her best.. Even if it's hurtful, if it's true that she'll be happier without me then it's ok, i let her go...
But i think it's a shame to break up a good relationship (yeah because i only talk about her "BPD phase" here) and we're actually a GREAT mach as person. So letting go that relationship for "just" a sabotage...

I'm really lost. I'm sad and confused... i don't know what to do to keep her, or even what to believe when she say something like that when her behavior seems okay with me (even if she don't want intimacy these days, and that's ok)
I really need help, i feels like i'm actually in a crossroads in our relationship..

Please, help me and thank you !

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us because you are in the right place to talk with others and for support as you work on how to navigate your way through this relationship.

A lot of the events you talked about sound familiar so, again, you are not alone.  I am so sorry you experienced all of this.  It sounds very painful for the both of you.

If you had to pick one issue to work on to start, what would it be?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Toxsick

I'm really lost. I'm sad and confused... i don't know what to do to keep her

Not to be too discouraging and "politically correct", but she's not yours to keep.

BPD does indeed play tricks on her mind, and relationships are hard as they are, we can help you navigate the BPD from the "not BPD" and help you manage your own emotions, which is actually quite useful a skill to have in these sorts of situations (trust me, I've been there myself) since the person with BPD has a much harder time doing it precisely because of BPD.

because i only talk about her "BPD phase" here

remember that's one and the same person. She's not someone else if/when she dysregulates.

I agree with Harri, there seem to be a lot going on between you two and its not obvious where to start. There's cheating, you mention some issues of your own, breakups/reconciliation (idealize/devalue?) after her being "mean" to you.

So I'm going to venture and say the threat of cheating is the most pressing issue for you right now, given that might mean a breakup and major heartache for you, is that correct? did she say anything else about why you were such a big stress in her life that she needed to "let you go"?

[Toxsick]

Thank you so much for you replies !

So, no she didn't say anything else about this (me being a stress in her life) She jsut say that she wwas afraid to cheat on me and I make it unable to see other people because, of course, I'm on her conscience...  She talked a bit with my also BPD mother, and she said she also want to break up with me to prove herself that she can live without me.. I must admit I don't understand why breaking up for this reason like, of course you can live without me so why making all of this drama and pain ?

also, BIG UPDATE :
On monday she swear she would not block me everywhere and we still like this, in couple and even spending the next night/evening together.
But she have done it, blocked me everywhere and no sign of life. So, on tuesday i've sent a message, saying i can't take it anymore and I want her to take her stuff. Still no reply...

My heart is broken, i have nightmares EVERY night and all the cool stuff with being dumped like this. Honestly, i fantasize about her coming back but even if she do that, i think i should'nt take her back in this stage (since she don't even search after solutions for her)
Actually, i just want to give back her things and maybe talk a bit, just to make everything clear because being dumped like this... she kissed me monday evening to say goodbye and then.. nothing...
This morning i've sent her a message, saying i just want to give her stuff and i don't want to call her mom fo this kind of things and that i need a reply for tommorow. (because, on monday she asked "what will you do if i block you everywhere and no reply ?" i've said "Well, maybe I'll call your mom to see if you're alright and then nothing ?" So i don't know if it's what she's waiting ?

I'm really lost... i really don't know what to do with me or this situation... it's so painful and frustrating to be left like this.. it's not "right" ... I feel like an object being thrown up

[itsmeSnap]

she asked "what will you do if i block you everywhere and no reply ?" i've said "Well, maybe I'll call your mom to see if you're alright and then nothing ?" So i don't know if it's what she's waiting ?

If this sort of thing has become part of the expected dynamic, then a breakup seems like its not quite the end of the relationship for either of you, you both are trying to pull each other close by pushing the other away (your "tantrum" then calling her to collect her stuff, her breaking up for superficial reasons expecting you to "call her mom to see if she's alright"), there's an implicit agreement that you would seek each other back, try to connect in some way.

I'm really lost... i really don't know what to do with me or this situation... it's so painful and frustrating to be left like this.. it's not "right" ... I feel like an object being thrown up

I'm going to play devils advocate here and say: what if you were to play along to the dynamic, the push-pull, the breakups and reconciliations, would you consider doing that consciously? as in, don't break down yourself over it every time, expecting it, enjoying "the chase", would you want that? a rocky but "exciting" relationship.

Also about what to do with yourself, you could tell us a bit more about how BPD mom fits into all of this (your issues/anxiety/depressions, how she interacts with BPDgf)

[Toxsick]

First, i really want to thanks you because i'm feeling less alone in this situation and it helps me a lot to write here. Thank you very much for your help  

So, if I understand it well : You think it's not a real break up but a sort of push/pull game ?
Because that is true in 2 years, we always do that : breaking up, crying together and finally go back together. It may be true I also do this but it's sure not on purpose, it's really stressful and unhealthy  after all.. And that's also true, she always say she want to keep me in her life even in a a friend or even friend with benefits.. so I'm startng to think, if i'm really a BIG stress in her life, she would try to keep me away at all cost.. no ?

And no, i don't want to play this game of break up and so on.. Actually and consciously, i want something stable.. but maybe since my life was never stable with my mother and so on.. I think maybe I'm doing the same schema ?

UPDATE: I've call her mom to ask if it's possible to take her things. We talked together for 3h and it did me good to see i'm not the only one to see that my (ex)gf is passive in life and can't handle any stress so she just throw everything and doing the ostrich politics. Her mother asked me to wait for her daughter to calm down and think about it, maybe weeks but i'm not okay with that since it's been a long and painful time I'm waiting for her. So apparently, she will talk with her and maybe she will come to talk/take her stuff..  For the moment, I don't know.. i don't think i'm ready to try to trust her if she say she gonna change (and i'm not expecting it, going back together because i'm afraid it's just false hope again)


About my mother:
I'm her first child (21yo) and almost I almost died in a few days because of a virus or something like that (don't remember the name) I also have a little sister (19yo) and a half brother (7yo)
She is/was always unstable, She has always been violent physically and mentally with me (almost only with me). I remember when i was maybe 4/6 yo, she strangled me against a wall.. i was also oftenly pulled by the hair from a room to another. It never stopped.
It's always when, suddenly i'm the monster in her life, then BAM big BIG drama then she cool down and it's okay for a time.
She never had a healthy relationship with anyone, no friends, she hates her family (that's what she say) and her romantic partner was always abusive with her. The last one was the worst, it lasted from 2006 to 2012, he was on drugs and not in a healthy mental state.. My mom said he raped her and then she was pregnant with my brother. At home it was always a nightmare, she was hitted, held captive, threatened. Several time, as a child, i try to fight back against him to protect my family..
More recently, between my mother and me it calmed down for the moment but last year it went very badly and my father was back so it was even worse. I was beaten several times, I could not stand it and with my gf it was not good either. I made a depression again ... I tried to go live with my grandparents with my gf but my mother did emotional blackmail so I came back out of fear and because of course I love her. My mother and my gf were there for me during my depression, even though my mother often threatened to put me in the hospital if I did not get better ...
Beside that, my gf appreciates my mother and vice versa although my mother does not find her healthy and positive enough for me

I think that's why i'm codependent and always anxious, i think i also have trust issues and more weak for depression.. I think it's because i always thik it was my duty to protect my family. My mother was always sick, mentally and physically so I always searched how to help her, when i was 8yo I said to my grand ma i wanted to be hit by a car because i make everyone sad. Also, for myself i was bullied in school so the trust issue may come from here but also because i always feeled betrayed by this "evil mother"

[Harri]

Hi.     I am so sorry this is happening.  I know it hurts. 

so I'm startng to think, if i'm really a BIG stress in her life, she would try to keep me away at all cost.. no ?

well, there is not a whole lot of logic in emotional responses.  Her talking about the stress may be part of the push/pull that is going on.  You said you do it too.  Thats okay, a lot of us here do that.  the thing is to be aware and change.  During those times both of you are acting on emotions.  It is up to you to try to change as you can't change her.

Actually and consciously, i want something stable.. but maybe since my life was never stable with my mother and so on.. I think maybe I'm doing the same schema ?

It is certainly likely.  You may have an attachment style that feeds into this back and forth. 

 

For the moment, I don't know.. i don't think i'm ready to try to trust her if she say she gonna change (and i'm not expecting it, going back together because i'm afraid it's just false hope again)

This is a very valid concern.  Change won't happen without change (hows that for stating the obvious?).  Why not work on yourself and learn the tools here and then you will be in a better place to decide rather than make an emotional decision.

Thanks for sharing about your history (and present) with your mom.  I am sorry you had to go through that.  As you read and interact more here you will see that a lot of our members also had difficult childhoods in one way or another and then find themselves acting out similar patterns in their adult relationships.   Recognizing this and working to manage your tendencies and learning strategies will help you a lot.  We actually have a board for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family to work on this sort of stuff.
 

I think that's why i'm codependent and always anxious, i think i also have trust issues and more weak for depression.. I think it's because i always thik it was my duty to protect my family. My mother was always sick, mentally and physically so I always searched how to help her, when i was 8yo I said to my grand ma i wanted to be hit by a car because i make everyone sad. Also, for myself i was bullied in school so the trust issue may come from here but also because i always feeled betrayed by this "evil mother"

    It sounds like you dealt with a lot of adult issues as a child too.  That in itself can be damaging, on top of being raised by a mentally ill parent and on top of the abuse.  There is work to be done in this area that will help you in other areas of your life, specifically adult relationships.

I am glad you found us. 

[Toxsick]

Thanks for your reply again !

Yesterday, her mom finally said that my ex don't want her stuff back so I've burn everything out of rage and frustration and sadness.. it was therapeutic. I didn't even have nightmares.. or maybe it's because i was a bit drunk (i don't have any alcohol issues, no worries)
Now, I think my brain accepted this fact : it's really done. Even if she come back, the way she treated me and our 2years relationship like it was nothing, it's like I was just a tool and that she's such a coward to face her decision and the pain she put me (us) in.

Now, i want to recover. Not only from that unhealthy relationship but from all the things and even my past. I want to be healthier for myself and my futur but actually, i don't know where to start

Also, even if i'm forcing myself to accept the fact she's just.. illogical ? I still don't understand why she suddenly do that but maybe i shouldn't even try to understand someone else logic since her brain don't work the same as mine  ?

[Toxsick]

UPDATE: She is really in trouble, apparently, no one understand that BPD is a real illness and she needs help. Nobody understand, really, not even her mom nor closest friend..
They all think it's just in her head or just a moment of down like everyone.

I've seen her on social media sending warning signal so i couldn't help to send her mom and friend a message, saying to be aware of her condition (i think she is REALLY depressed and i'm afraid she could hurt herself) but again, they all play blind. She texted me to not speak about it to her mom so i said i don't kow what to do else. She started saying no one understand or love her, that she is miserable and so on... I say you have friend that love you and family too, that she could come here (on the forum) to ask for help... I'm stressing about her condition

But again, she treated me like PLEASE READ and also, i'm just a stranger now so i shouldn't care.. I mean, it's not my concern anymore after all since she black listed me and trhowed me out of her life...
I know, nobody can help her if she don't want to. But i don't want her to die or hurt herself...
And i hate being so unpowerful..

[Harri]

Hi Toxsick.

I understand things are still raw and difficult.  The breakup is still pretty recent and of course you still have feelings for her and are concerned.  It is not that easy to shut those feelings off is it?

Now, i want to recover. Not only from that unhealthy relationship but from all the things and even my past. I want to be healthier for myself and my futur but actually, i don't know where to start

  You can start right where you are at now:  recognizing that you have some patterns of behavior that do not serve you well in the present.   We are all working on that in one way or another.

Also, even if i'm forcing myself to accept the fact she's just.. illogical ? I still don't understand why she suddenly do that but maybe i shouldn't even try to understand someone else logic since her brain don't work the same as mine  ?

pwBPD do process things a bit differently than we do.  What seems logical to you might not be to her.  pwBPD are primarily driven by their emotions.  Over expression of those emotions is fairly common too.

Understanding her behavior has value if you are to stay in the relationship (which I know you say is not an option).  The other way to look at this is to consider how you behaved in the context of your relationship:  what it is about you that caused you to stay in a relationship, what patterns you may see between your r/s with her and your FOO (family of origin).

A place to start might be looking at this:

And i hate being so unpowerful..

I am just guessing here though.

Thoughts?

[Toxsick]

Thank you for you understanding !

Actually, she talked a bit to me and i'm feeling bad for her since nobody try to understand or support her.. she's all alone and I know it's true. But I have to stop feeling like it's my duty t help her, especially since in 2 years it didn't work. And maybe it's also linked to the fact I hate being unpowerful ? Maybe a lack of control ?...

Also, she is actually speaking to me right now and she's saying she try her best and she... i don't know, apparently she's saying she didn't want to break up ?

On monday she say she want to break, after that drama she say it's ok and she won't block me. She blocked me so I assumed she broke up finally so on tuesday evening i say i can't deal with it anymore since she don't want me in her life then I'll go.
And now she say "after monday tantrum i didn't said anything but yes i've blocked you since i was afraid you'd spam me"

Actually. I think she regret breaking up, she say "when you said it (breaking up) i've stopped fonctionning". I love her. I want her in my life and spend it with her.. I really want the best for her and i want to be her support and everything !
But at the same time, our relationship is toxic, in 2 years it was awful. But deep down in my heart i wish i can go back with her... but again, during 2 years it never stopped to be a roller coaster and she's always mean and "untrusful". I don't want to live like that all my life if i choose to be with her (later, actually it would be the worst idea to try something right now) but again the fear to only know mental break down, even for my own sake it's destructive.

I've read a lot of things, people like me and with BPD. I know it's possible if she work on it. But if she don't want to feel better then it's useless. I was and still always ok to try my best in everyting, for me, my futur and my partner. I never give up. NEVER. (sometimes it's even bothersome )
But still, IF something have to happen with her, i'm afraid I'll just spend the rest of my life like these past 2 years.  Like these past 21 years with mother.

[once removed]

Also, she is actually speaking to me right now and she's saying she try her best and she... i don't know, apparently she's saying she didn't want to break up

it sounds like what she primarily wants is space.

its important to learn to recognize this, and not react, but play it cool. it sounds like forcing a breakup wasnt what you really wanted, but was a reaction to the pain/stress.

what do you think? does it seem like thats what shes after?

[Toxsick]

it sounds like what she primarily wants is space.

It's exactly what she is saying right now, that she just wanted to have some space and she was hurt by our reaction (mine and my mother) she said "I just wanted some support like "Okay, take some vacation and give us some news. Don't forget we're here for you"

But what she said to me was just "I don't love you anymore, i want to cheat you, i want to have sex with other people"

Apparently the break up wasn't what we want, she say she stopped fonctionning, she didn't want it..
I'm pretty lost since I don't know what is the truth in all of that

[once removed]

i can certainly understand your confusion there.

you love a person who feels emotions very strongly, and over expresses them.

in most cases, when you are on the receiving end of something like that, its best not to react right away; take some space for yourself, some room to cool off. ive had some past girlfriends tell me similar things...i wore my feelings on my sleeve, and reacted, every time. it just blew up the relationship.

she needs you to be the emotional leader in this relationship, and she likely will, from time to time, test your strength.

how are things going today?

[Toxsick]

A lot of things happened and we're back together, i'm feeling really anxious but i'm glad we're back together since i love her so much ♥
For the moment, she actively trying to find things to improve herself, like books, social media and try to find a good support systme (I think)
I, also, do my best to be more strong and deal with my anxiety and codependence, i'm quite proud of myself actually, for my own growth !

So, since i decided to go back in this roller coaster : What can I do ?

she needs you to be the emotional leader in this relationship, and she likely will, from time to time, test your strength.

How can I do that and what does that mean really ?

I'm super motivated to be a better person for myself, first, but also for her and our relationship   

[once removed]

it means use this board as your lifeline. learn the tools and skills here. post often, and not just in times of crisis. it will help you as well to respond to the posts of others...it will keep you in problem solving mode.

How can I do that and what does that mean really ?

this is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship