Feeling anxiety while setting boundaries with ex-spouse

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Haven't posted in a while. I separated from my uBPDw a little more than a year ago. I immediately felt better and more in control of my life than I did during the length of our marriage. I would go no-contact, but we have a daughter, now 3, so my ex is going to be in my life one way or the other for the next 16 years or so.

My ex is living in our house, which we renovated at great expense. We've reached an amount for her to buy me out of the house, and I'm living at an apartment complex that has a pool. She asked me today whether she can bring our daughter tomorrow, during her day with her, and use my community's pool.

I don't want my ex-spouse using my pool. Even though we're pretty cordial, I don't want to be her friend. She was severely verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me during our marriage. Before I moved out, she'd often get in a triggered state and tell me that I should just go away and die in a "sad dad condo" somewhere. Well, I don't feel the need to be any nicer than is necessary.

She's free to ask to use the pool with my daughter. I'm free to say no. And I did say no. What's surprising to me is the emotions I have around texting a simple "no." I have a horrible dread of whatever her response would be - the volcanic outbursts. I could feel tenseness in my body and bracing myself for an avalanche of anger from her.

I just find it interesting — this conditioned response I've developed over the years with her. Where I've become afraid and anxious about saying simple truths and stating my limits.

[Caco Canepa]

Haven't posted in a while. I separated from my uBPDw a little more than a year ago. I immediately felt better and more in control of my life than I did during the length of our marriage. I would go no-contact, but we have a daughter, now 3, so my ex is going to be in my life one way or the other for the next 16 years or so.

My ex is living in our house, which we renovated at great expense. We've reached an amount for her to buy me out of the house, and I'm living at an apartment complex that has a pool. She asked me today whether she can bring our daughter tomorrow, during her day with her, and use my community's pool.

I don't want my ex-spouse using my pool. Even though we're pretty cordial, I don't want to be her friend. She was severely verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me during our marriage. Before I moved out, she'd often get in a triggered state and tell me that I should just go away and die in a "sad dad condo" somewhere. Well, I don't feel the need to be any nicer than is necessary.

She's free to ask to use the pool with my daughter. I'm free to say no. And I did say no. What's surprising to me is the emotions I have around texting a simple "no." I have a horrible dread of whatever her response would be - the volcanic outbursts. I could feel tenseness in my body and bracing myself for an avalanche of anger from her.

I just find it interesting — this conditioned response I've developed over the years with her. Where I've become afraid and anxious about saying simple truths and stating my limits.

[Turkish]

Even though we're pretty cordial, I don't want to be her friend. She was severely verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me during our marriage. Before I moved out, she'd often get in a triggered state and tell me that I should just go away and die in a "sad dad condo" somewhere

You're likely safe now, but no is a good response.  

I've been told here and in real life that I'm nicer and more accommodating than I have to be.  

What did you say, exactly, if you don't mind sharing?

[Caco Canepa]

"You're likely safe now, but no is a good response."

Wild, eh? I'm safe now and living separately. I think my biggest fear is that she would retaliate by interfering with my time with our child. (Custody agreement isn't signed yet). Although our local courts are generally favorable and if we had to go to court about custody, I'd likely get equal custody.

My response to her request was, "No on the pool." She didn't fly off the handle, but I could tell she was in a bit of a huff. I just wanted to give a direct answer, and not JADE or begin explaining myself, because that could create an opening for her to get me into a JADE cycle.

I've been working on my boundaries and trying to get better about saying "no." Some nos are easier that others. I anticipate she's going to ask my "why" tomorrow. And then say something like "That's ridiculous." Or "You're being a jerk." Or "you're trying to punish me, but you're just keeping our daughter from swimming."

"I've been told here and in real life that I'm nicer and more accommodating than I have to be. "

Same here! Trying to learn how to assert myself without turning into someone I'm not.

[Turkish]

SET can help. I've used it a lot. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I, too, have this view that I'll be done in 11 years (counting down!) But realistically, we will be forever tied together given kids.  A buddy of mine pointed that out to me.  I tried to argue, but it's true. He divorced when their kids were under 10. They are on their mid 20s now.

Still, I'm looking forward to when D7 turns 18 

[MeandThee29]

It does get easier.

IT's OK to reflect and then set the boundary. Write out your feelings if you need to. We can get so off base out of habit that we get anxious about saying no.

[Caco Canepa]

Reporting on what happened:

Oh wow. That was interesting. I said "no". And she just replied "Nevermind." And that was the end of that. (For the time being)

What's wild to think about is the amount of energy and anxiety I had about saying "no". When we were living together, it had gotten to where I didn't feel I could advocate for my point of view without getting pushback and backlash. I think I've internalized that trauma and it's become part of my reflexes, at least while dealing with her.

I did feel a twinge of discomfort at her "nevermind." Like I felt a vague need to jump in and apologize and explain. I didn't do that. This is an issue that is more mine and nothing to do with her, necessarily, and something I'll keep exploring in therapy.

I feel as though I could benefit from exercising my "no" muscle in everyday life. I wonder if i'd be reaching this realization about myself if it had not been for this particular relationship dynamic grabbing me by the scruff and forcing me to deal with it. Maybe this fiasco of a marriage served a purpose?