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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Job/employment ideas  (Read 118 times)
PeaceMom
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« on: May 14, 2019, 02:06:28 PM »

My dd19 has lost 7 jobs in the past 3 years. Conflicts with managers, over sharing, talking about inappropriate stuff, becoming very stressed and controlling, not performing well, suspected for stealing, being impatient with kids, etc. She is working in retail about 20 hours a week and has kept this current job for 3 months. She says she’s willing to try to get some kind of certificate to perform a specific job, but when I read about the job requirements, I envision conflict! She thought maybe something in the medical field, but her bossy, bedside manner would be off putting. Also, I think it would be risky to entrust her with performing something like an EKG, etc.
There are office administrator certs, but she’d Be working in close proximity in a professional environment...
Any thoughts?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2019, 02:13:43 PM »

Those are some great questions. My DS has been making most of his money illegally and is now trying to figure out how to earn a legal living. It is not easy. In his case, he may work on his legal sneaker business. Is maybe some kind of entrepreneurship an option for your daughter?
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Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 01:41:46 AM »

Hi

I think it’s important to get some part time work experience for a few years. I don’t think it matters much about what that job may be but it’s best if they actually enjoy it. This sounds so obvious but I think we forget that work is made so much better by the people we work with. For BPD relationships are always a problem. Working in a big team is not achievable for my son. Nor is paperwork or computers. Definitely no kids or care. He can’t take care of himself!

My son worked from 15 and he’s now 28. Saturday job, then part time. He worked on and off up to the age of 23. Dx at 24.

His biggest recurring problem is relationships. Fortunately, he’s now in a situation that works out for him. Oh yeah, and the drugs but we don’t talk abut that because it’s wasted energy and causes a tension in our relationship. We wait patiently for him to work on that one.

My son had a lack of self confidence and low self-esteem. When he lost his retail job it was a massive deal to him - he’s made accusations against a colleague and it got ugly. It took him a long time to get over it.

We were faced with a young adult (24) who has to find a way to work so they find a way to live independently. For us, we could not accept the alternative: dx with BPD, refused  treatment, refused social benefits, interviews a nightmare for jobs I’d found him. We would not financially support him based on that situation.

How do they find a way to work?

Son prefers to work outdoors. We paid for an expensive course so he had certificates. We bought the equipment he needed. He was employable. He gained a part time job to get experience.

How do they get independent?

Stability. Financial management skills. He is motivated in his job because he loves it - he’s defined by it and has a sense of self. He’s found two bosses who understand him, put up with him at times, because he’s highly skilled and a good worker. He’s lucky.  

I say it’s a process. I can say the words “they have to find a way for themselves”.  It’s their life, they have to feel in control over their own decisions. We can’t choose a job for them. But we know that’s not quite true, they need a nudge in a direction.

The best thing I ever did was listening to him. He said “outdoors”, not retail. He wanted to work with his hands. I knew He needed a skill to be able to earn enough. We invested to get that skill - but he was motivated. It took him 4 years to move from ground work to skilled climber.

This is a long process.

Small team. Limited pressure. Skill. Outdoors.

This worked for him.

My son has limited patience and it sounds like your daughter does too?  Do you think she’d consider a part time course ? Something she’d really enjoy to help her gain some interaction skills and to improve her confidence? It doesn’t have to be academic...it can be a “making” course. It may plant seeds in her.

LP
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 01:52:30 AM by Lollypop » Logged

     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2019, 11:06:57 PM »

LP -thanks for the descriptive answer. I learn from the detailed examples given in this forum. I will be asking more specific questions as we move forward. I’m a very linear thinker and must take things one step at a time. I’m teading thru all the Certificate courses at our local Community College. Unfortunately all of them appear to be customer focused or administrative. She’s fairly clever with her money and finances but she can be so vile to work colleagues that I just can’t see those things working. And I would be sick over any job she had where people’s health depending on her accuracy. I know a woman who is an acclaimed author. She is 40 and was diagnosed w/BPD 20 yrs ago. She said her identity with her career was the single most beneficial thing she did to improve her BPD.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2019, 12:19:28 AM »

Hi peacemom

Excerpt
She said her identity with her career was the single most beneficial thing she did to improve her BPD.

That’s so interesting.

The structure of the day helps my son. His weekends off are a problem as he has no hobbies as such. He’s in a new relationship and there’s already problems.

Has your daughter any hobbies?  Anything she really enjoys?

When I looked st sons skills at 19 I struggled to find many. Good timekeeping strangely. He likes structure, always knowing what is coming next in his working day. An early hiccup was the unexpected or unplanned and he was rigid thinking. He’s got much better interaction skills that he’s learnt by my demonstration. He used to ask for support sometimes if he wanted to explain to his boss or there was a conflict.  Better communication skills and an understanding boss has worked so far. Son knows how to use DEAR now..

I’m glad you take your time. It’s baby steps. We used to say “nothing is not an option” - how invalidating is that!

LP
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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
PeaceMom
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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2019, 04:03:22 PM »

LP-
What a blessing that your son has good timekeeping skills. I think that’s rare w/BPD. It would certainly help one keep a job and a boss might be more lenient with the lack of social skills if the employee is always time-conscientious. My DD used to love to cook but then it appeared that her ability to follow a long list of instructions became difficult. Her brain is so jumbled she appears to have a severe case of ADHD. The fact that she’s on her phone 24/7 is like a drug and has wrecked her brain. I am going to really try to think about what she CAN do and figure out how She becomes prepared /equipped for that job.
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