Today has been the first day post breakup (2 months ago now) that I've actually wanted to do things, wanted to speak to people for the sake of it, and wanted to do these things for ME, and not for the presence of HER in my mind, not in competition with her, not to prove myself to her, but for ME. And what caused this was a massive emotional release triggered by this absolutely beautiful and profound post by the board member '2010' who sadly no longer posts here. I read it and was in tears, it feels as if 2 months of repressed nervous tension is allowing itself to finally exit my body, and my mind is giving itself permission to move on and forgive both myself and her. I hope it might also be of some help to others struggling after a breakup with a pwBPD.
Not really. He's a key that unlocks your thoughts about something from childhood. Those thoughts live in the space between hope and fear. For the most part, that's residual thought from a childhood wounding. He just came along and ripped off the scab. As the Buddhists say, it's not the arrow that matters, it's the wound that it leaves. When an arrow is shot into an old wound, it can bring up all sorts of repressed pain.
When we try to recover from being wounded, we begin by questioning things about the arrow (weapon.) For instance, was the arrow wood or was it metal? How fast was it traveling? and so on... .but what really matters here is the wound that it leaves or re-opens. The focus shouldn't be on the weapon- it should be on the wounding. How deep is it? How do we stop the bleeding? How do we heal? Is this an old wound that needs even more care because it didn't properly heal in the first place?
Being in a relationship with someone that reinvigorates an old wound can you cause even greater distress than a new wound, especially if you thought the old wound had completely healed. For many of us, we thought we had healed, but that wasn't exactly true. We've never been able to heal our original wound- we've just placed a band-aid over it. Many of us here have had no experience with real healing -due to our own neglect and unresolved pain from childhood which we tried to cover up and hide from others. That's what a relationship with a BPD uncovers.
Personally, I wasn't able to see things clearly when I was mirrored and then acted upon. The confusion made my pain so great that I wasn't aware that the behaviors were truly being done to me. I just wanted that confusion to go away- but I returned to the very person who confused me to get answers and in their compulsive lying they wounded me. This only served to create a cycle where I returned to them in order to have them *heal* my confusion and pain. In hindsight, I wanted this person to feel *my* pain. Choosing people that wound me and who are also incapable of feeling my pain only pours salt into my wound because that excruciating lack of empathy just feels *familiar* to me.
People lacking empathy are my greatest fear. My second greatest fear is that I deserved this behavior and that I must have caused it based upon my own insecurities. My greatest fears were activated in a Borderline relationship, but (it's not really about him.) It's about me.
Returning over and over again to view the arrow and see what type of weapon it is doesn't address the wounding. That arrow actually lives in the space between fear and hope that another human being will take responsibility for wounding me. This is unresolved *wants* from my childhood and will likely NEVER be resolved by the people who hurt me. I can no longer confuse my *wants* with my *needs*. Sometimes you *need* to walk away and protect yourself even if you *want* this person to make amends.
I can focus my concentration on *need* to the point where I intellectualize the arrow and return to question it over and over again, but in doing so, I allow it to wound me over and over again unless I retreat my energies and concentrate instead on healing the wound. The wound was always there- it was just re-opened.
Once the arrow is out, I have to keep it out and prevent myself from reactivating the wound- just to feel the pain and keep myself down. The wound is what's important here- and why I use it against myself. I keep opening it up in order to peer inside, splashing salt and feeling pain because it just feels familiar to me. Sometimes it's easier for me to do that because I know it so well. The hard part for me is ejecting the melancholy soundtrack music that plays inside my head. It's purpose is to make me feel badly about myself.
What's really needed here is to concentrate on healing the original wound without crawling inside it and living there. It's not about him- he only reactivated the feelings to arise. They are familiar. Taking the time to heal them means addressing your needs versus wants. Do you want to let those feelings go? You'll have to feel them. Write them down in a journal. Cry. Plead. Throw a temper tantrum. Exercise. Get some fresh air. Wear dark glasses. Cry again. These ghost people still haunt you. They weren't there for you- get mad!
One day you'll realize that it wasn't your fault- and that there was nothing different that you could have done- you'll begin to reach acceptance and purge yourself of these thoughts. Then you'll uncover something about yourself that you'd never thought of before. You'll realize why your needs seem to get pulled off into dysfunction and who these modern day partners really represent. You'll reach wisdom about who you are and why you respond.
The pain wont be so addictive anymore. You'll be willing to let it go and reach acceptance that you are in control of your destiny.
This really is a life changing experience. You have the ability to heal yourself. It's painful yes, but also enlightening. You'll be able to get an idea of what you want in life and what you really need and that's the best gift a PD person ever gives you- the truth about yourself.
