First baby step

[Teepb]

Hi. After nearly 20 years of getting screamed at - her psychiatrist says she had BPD. Learning how others keep it together and not take it personally.  Thanks for being here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oftentimes]

Hi Teepb,

I found that learning as much as I could by reading books, studies, etc. on BPD helped me understand my pwBPD's actions more through the lens of his illness rather than as personal attacks on me.

I'd love to hear others perspectives on the approach of not taking it personally, though. I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I'm starting to question whether or not it actually makes sense and keeps us emotionally safe in the long run. I do think that it certainly helps me respond to him in a way that is supportive (and works towards recovery rather than opposition to it), but then I think to myself, Why wouldn't or shouldn't I take this personally? Because being abused by someone, regardless of whether that abuse is rooted in a mental illness or not, IS personal. I am starting to question this notion of 'don't take it personally' because I feel like it invalidates my humanity - I am a person, not an object. And even though my parnter's BPD causes him to see me as an object on which he can project his illness,  doesn't mean that I don't experience these abusive projections deeply and personally.

Apologies if this raises questions to your question rather than provide the support and insight you were looking for, but I wonder if this community has thoughts about whether or not the current paradigm of 'don't take it personally' actually makes sense.

[Teepb]

It’s weird. I was Ok with the other diagnosis because they were hers, but this BPD, I read that you can’t have it alone. You have to have someone to interact with. That’s what I am having a tough time with. Instead of being a supporting partner, I feel like I’ve been a willing victim. I’m sure this is a feeling I will work through, but I am angry and I need something to blame.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome Teepb.

You are in the right place to get support, express and work through your anger and get some answers to your question so I am glad you are reaching out.

We have a lot of reading material and can help you problem solve and work on learning different ways of interacting that can help your situation quite a bit. 

If you had to pick one thing to start to work on, what would it be?