Rage, terrified of my mom-trying to set limits

[Imatter33]

  omg I am so excited to have a place like this exist. For too long I have suffered in silence and thought I could fix my mother by always forgiving and not speaking up.
First off I am in counseling of my own. I’m 32. I’m finally speaking about this stuff and I’m about half way done with Stop walking on eggshells book.
Limit setting.
I’d like to have a relationship with my mother but I am so scared of her rage. I haven’t talked to her in 2 months but the fear of her rage at any point is consuming my thoughts.
I just wanted to voice this to see what others have done, to feel strong, safe, etc

[Harri]

Hi Imatter and welcome! 

It is exciting when you find a group of people who can relate and get it isn't it?

What has happened that you have not talked to your mom in 2 months?

the fear of her rage at any point is consuming my thoughts.
I just wanted to voice this to see what others have done, to feel strong, safe, etc

What is your fear about?  I don't mean the raging, but what you fear may happen? 

Feeling strong and safe will come as you work in therapy and here.  We can all help you and make suggestions and share as you share more with us.

 

[Imatter33]

Good questions. Mostly I fear her showing up at my door and demanding answers because I’ve blocked her phone calls.
I fear a confrontation I’m not ready for)
And even though  it is unlikely she can become
Physical
I keep thinking her patience will run out bc I’ve never gone longer than 2 months not speaking with her, and I don’t have plans to rush.

To give background I’ve just had a baby, and the day before the falling out we spent the day together. She was present, and able to enjoy the baby. (Really felt good as she often veers off from present to her hurts from past) Next day she asks to borrow money for impulse trip  and I tell her I need  24 hours. She demands a quicker response. I ultimately say no and she proceeds to call me two faced, a liar and that I don’t care about her. That my baby is only  healthy bc of her pastors prayers. She said I showed my true colors etc.
This one conversation had by text just blue the hinges off of me., I finally was just like... my mom doesn’t respect me at all. Saying no and pow.

Of course I know she is ill but I need an opportunity to stick up for myself and know my value.,it’s all so scary. But I’m doing it.

[Turkish]

Her accusations are of course off the wall. I'm glad you asserted yourself.  Saying something as simple as "no" isn't so simple.  You and your baby are your primary family. You are a mother (and a daughter) not a bank.

You might want to look at the communication tools in the Suggested Reading at the top of the board.  The most basic one is SET, see here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There is a link to the discussion at the end.  It's a start on a way to reduce conflict by validating while at the same time asserting boundaries.

[Harri]

Congrats on your baby!   

Of course I know she is ill but I need an opportunity to stick up for myself and know my value.,it’s all so scary. But I’m doing it.

Good for you.  Speaking up for our self is so important.

I get that it is scary.  I used to get sick to my stomach when I first started doing it.  I wasn't always nice about it when I spoke up but it sure felt good and it helped me break through (I am not saying to be mean to her though).  Over time it became easier and I realized the fear was something that was linked to the past and I could deal with the consequences as an adult.  I don't know if that applies to you.  I mention it only to let you know that the fear can go away, with work, and I can relate.

You know your mom and can predict what she might say.  So let's practice some replies here if you think that will help.

[Imatter33]

Mom May say,

“ you had a baby and your too good for me now?”
“Sorry I’m not like your in-laws mr and mrs perfect
“Your so self-righteous
“This is all your husbands doing, I knew he never liked me
Her favorite go to is ... how dare I.

How dare you just cut me off, I’m your mother

I’m really hurting and I cannot believe you’d just forget about me and your family

* it was hard to write those down bc I already feel the ache  of those words and see the faces and finger pointing, clenched teeth. 

That’s her angry but I guess the other response is inconsolable sobbing and her reiterating that I hate her followed by a laundry list of what I do wrong, or that I behave non Christian... (sigh

One more reaction could be... pretending absolutely nothing is wrong. Sweep under the rug and wait for next misunderstanding)

Now writing this down I feel exhausted at the thought of any type of communication. But I feel pressured to hurry up and try.
Pressure comes from older brother and my feeing that it’s too quiet. A blow up has to be coming. That is something that is deeply engrained in me.
Quiet and peaceful times are going to be torn apart and blown the PLEASE READ up.

I don’t know if I’m not supposed to use profanity here but it helps explain the level of everything to me.

[Harri]

“ you had a baby and your too good for me now?”
“Sorry I’m not like your in-laws mr and mrs perfect
“Your so self-righteous
“This is all your husbands doing, I knew he never liked me
Her favorite go to is ... how dare I.

How dare you just cut me off, I’m your mother

I’m really hurting and I cannot believe you’d just forget about me and your family

Ugh.  Yeah, none of that is pleasant is it?  

Before we get to possible things you can say, how about telling us what you usually say when she does what she does?

I swear I am not avoiding trying to give alternatives!    It just helps to know what you already do.

Now writing this down I feel exhausted at the thought of any type of communication. But I feel pressured to hurry up and try.
Pressure comes from older brother and my feeing that it’s too quiet. A blow up has to be coming. That is something that is deeply engrained in me.
Quiet and peaceful times are going to be torn apart and blown the PLEASE READ up.

As much as it may suck to be feeling this way just from writing these down, recognize the feelings (like you are) and tell yourself you can handle them.  You really can... you have already been doing it!   Tell yourself you are learning new ways to interact and how to detach so that her words will not effect you so badly but that until you do learn the new ways and differentiate from her more, you will learn to cope with them.


PS  re: profanity.  We have filters for it, but want members to limit its use as it will trigger filters at places like Starbucks and our members who can't access the site at home (due to safety issues) won't be able to come here.  We have also had several people not be able to access from work, including a retired admin.

   <---- this is safe to use!  Plus most of us can relate enough to figure our the appropriate swear word.  haha

[Imatter33]

After thinking long and hard. I believe my only reaction has been completely breaking down.  Crying to the point of headaches and spending hours going over my moms “reasons”for doing and saying hurtful things.
Ends with apologies and hugs and reaffirmed love yous

I have pent up aggression where I really want to blast her with every you statement ever...not helpful I know.

But using sympathy, empathy, truth feels really really fake right now.
I wonder is that what it will take to have a relationship?
How do you make respectable boundaries when you’ve never been successful ever?
And my husband feels very negatively. I think he’d be happy if I never tried to have a relationship again.

[Harri]

 

Crying to the point of headaches and spending hours going over my moms “reasons”for doing and saying hurtful things.
Ends with apologies and hugs and reaffirmed love yous

Okay.  What she says is hurtful.   Lets back up and take a look at this.  Are you able to see that what she says has little if anything to do with you?  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation.  When she becomes upset, angry, dysregualted, she will often try to offload those emotions by directing them outside of herself.

Am I correct in assuming she did this frequently while growing up?  Many of us still react in the way you do, wondering what it is about us that would make her say such a thing, is this true, what is it about me that causes her to talk to and treat me this way?  Does that apply? 

I have pent up aggression where I really want to blast her with every you statement ever...not helpful I know.

Maybe not helpful but common and understandable.  You can learn to manage that rage and even release it in healthy ways.  It takes a lot of work and time.  It is something you will have to work on even if you never have contact with her again.   That sort of anger and rage does not just go away on it's own.  There are some pretty deep wounds that need to be tended to.  We can support you as you work through this.

But using sympathy, empathy, truth feels really really fake right now.
I wonder is that what it will take to have a relationship?

SET can be pretty daunting especially when there is such raw anger and rage.  Try learning about the different behaviors associated with BPD.  I am not suggesting this so you can help your mother.  I am suggesting it to help you begin to depersonalize her words and actions so they don't have such a devastating affect on you.  I think that might be the first step for you.

How do you make respectable boundaries when you’ve never been successful ever?

Boundaries usually work when we think about them in terms of our self.  Boundaries work best when we are responsible for taking action to implement and enforce them.
What sort of boundaries have you tried?  What do they sound and look like to you? 

And my husband feels very negatively. I think he’d be happy if I never tried to have a relationship again.

Your husband sees the affect on you.

[Imatter33]

Depersonalization of her words. Quite possibly the best thing for me, and my greatest challenge.  I'm having a thought.. Rage is 9 times out of 10 only her words.

I am a words of affirmation person. I know that words have always meant a lot more to me than say, my sister.   I've always been the counselor in our relationship too. The kid that would talk to mom, and many times there are these incredible moments of clarity, and "great talks" that all seem to vanish in an instant.

I feel Ive got no solid ground.

I love my mother, I miss her, but I think I miss the version of her I wish was present more often, and I have disdain for the other parts, makes me feel horrible

 and I think more than ever I realize the grief... my counselor has been talking about, I won't have a mother that talks to me with flowy, warm words or positive regard. It will all be based on dysregulation.

As I have just become a mom the pain is so fresh. I look at my daughter and imagine how I hope our relationship can be...and I grieve the relationship that I wont have with mine.

I've only tried to set boundaries on how often i'll talk to my mother, and right now it is zero.

Thanks for your time, your responses. I actually get a lot out by engaging here.

_Imatter33