SO can yell, curse and berate me in the drop of a dime

[JayJay220]

I was married for 20 yrs and someone mentioned to me I should read Stop Walking on Eggshells to understand what what I dealt with with my ex only to realize that this is what I am actually dealing with in my new relationship, going on 7yrs living together, with my significant other (SO).

It’s different than what I dealt with with my ex. My SO is more vocal, easily agitated and can yell, curse and berate me in the drop of a dime. I guess I felt it was different since I’m not married but I feel like every other day, I’m debating on finding my own place just so I can live in peace. It’s confusing bec he can be so loving and thoughtful one minute and a outraged beast the next. It gets worse when he drinks too much, I am sometimes scared to be around him bec nothing I do is right in his drunken stupor. I feel bec he never has been physical that it’s ok but he can be very scary with just his tone and mean things he says. I know I’m not experienced or licensed to diagnose him but his mom left him when he was 7 bec his father used to physically bear her, which he witnessed and swore he would never put his hands on a woman. He resents her for leaving bec he didn’t know where she went and had no contact with her until he was 17. The only reason his father took him to see her was bec she was shot several times and they didn’t know if she would live. He has a live/hate relationship with his father. He is a pastor. He won’t go to his church bec he feels he’s a hypocrite. He curses and yells at his dons. They have a family trucking business and nothing my SO does is right in his fathers eyes. My SO has major trust issues.

There were other serious issues I dealt with in my previous marriage but this is different. I love my SO, when he is in a normal state, we have so much fun but the littlest things can turn into WWIII in zero to 100 just like that. It has gotten better. I thought he has anger issues and just didn’t know how to diffuse a situation that wouldn’t have even been an issue for someone who didn’t have anger issues.

I can also be short fused. I try not to get just as heated so it doesn’t get escalated but sometimes, I just can’t help but give my point of view. As if he will even listen to what I’m saying. When he’s mad, I can’t ever get a word in bec he’s yelling louder than me and won’t let me get a word in. Then he’ll leave the room and send a bunch of angry and threatening texts. Nothing tot harm me just how he’s going to either NOT do certain things or will now do certain things his way since no one follows his rules. He’s very controlling by nature. He always had an input for everything.

I know people reading this is thinking...why are you still there? I’ve been in a constant emotional roller coaster.

What tools can I use to diffuse potential situations? Are there any? I’m still on Chapter 4 of the book I started reading. I feel like I need to see a therapist for myself. Was hoping this online platform can provide some help  :l

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Hi JayJay and welcome! 

I'm glad you've reached out - we certainly understand emotional rollercoasters here! And we do understand why you stay. These can be the best (and the worst) relationships.

It's good that you're reading and learning. Tools and skills to help make our relationships better are so important.

I try not to get just as heated so it doesn’t get escalated but sometimes, I just can’t help but give my point of view. As if he will even listen to what I’m saying. When he’s mad, I can’t ever get a word in bec he’s yelling louder than me and won’t let me get a word in.

Yes, that's a pretty common reaction when we JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain - especially when he's already angry or upset.

Perhaps read this article about JADE and see if it helps:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

[No-One]

I know people reading this are thinking...why are you still there? I’ve been in a constant emotional roller coaster. . .

I feel like I need to see a therapist for myself. . .

Talking through things with a therapist sounds like a good thing to do.  It's common for people to leave an abusive relationship and then move onto another abusive relationship.  That generally signals that there are some personal issues to work on.  People who are emotionally healthy have good boundaries and won't accept abuse. 

You can't change your partner.  The only thing you can do is manage yourself.  You can set boundaries and learn communication skills to hopefully make things better for yourself.  If you go to the green band at the top of the page, you will find a "tools" menu. Check out the individual links and work your way to the general category of "workshops".

[JayJay220]

Thank you for your feedback. I think at this point it is finally over. I overreacted the other night. He left the house to drop off his daughter. When he left he was in a good mood. When he got back 20 min later. I was cooking dinner, he heard our shower running and asked who was using the bathroom. It was my 23 yo daughter, who lives with us and her 15 month old daughter. It’s been tough living in a blended family for the past 7 yrs but this topic topped it off. He totally loves my granddaughter and includes her in anything we do. I know adding a baby to the picture can make living all together even harder. Recently my 2 daughters(my 19 yo has been away at college for her 1st yr) but they’ve been using our bathroom bec their shower doesn’t get hot water anymore. Out of nowhere he speaks with his frustrated tone...if they leave their underwear in our bathroom again, I’m locking our door. This has not been brought up before...first time I’m hearing this and haven’t seen them leave their underwear. A T-shirt or shorts at times but not their underwear. I was in an agitated mood and totally went right back at him. I let it get the best of me and said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. He hasn’t talked to me since other than his threatening texts that he’s not paying anything else in the house and I need to give him the payment info on things I have under my name that are his bec he doesn’t trust me. I know that lack of trust isn’t really directed at me it’s just how he is with everything. He thinks someone is always undermining him or trying to cheat him out of something. His car is under my name, he took a personal loan under my name and used my credit card to finish the basement. The house we live in is in his name. His father owned it and he bought it from him with a gift of equity. Which is why, I had no qualms with not being on the title or mortgage. In any event, I tried sending him a text saying...I was out of line for the things I said and understand why he’s upset with me. I also sent him the billing info he asked for and from that point on it was...I don’t want to be with you anymore. He can’t live by his morals with my girls in the house disrespecting the house by not cleaning up after themselves. I tried validating how he was feeling but all I got was FU and leave as soon as I can.

I know, I obviously have my own personal issues for dealing with things and not having my own boundaries. I can’t help but be upset. I love him, even through all of this. I didn’t love my ex and didn’t enjoy being with him but had stayed bec of our 3 kids. When my SO is in a normal state...we have so much fun together even if we’re just home doing nothing. This hurts more than I can say it did when my ex and I split up. I wanted to divorce my ex bec I had zero feelings for him for a good 15 of the 20 yrs I was with him.

I guess I need to just come to terms with this now. He doesn’t want to even talk to me. I think I made things worse by saying I was going to abide by his wishes.

I have no one to turn to to talk about this. Just writing this post is helping me but I think I have a long long way to go to get over this. I’m crushed right now.

[SunandMoon]

Sorry to hear things have gotten worse so suddenly, JayJay.

As I'm sure you realise, people with BPD (pwBPD) are very sensitive. Their emotions are always at a high level, so while you might sit at a 3 and go to 7 when you're angry, they typically sit at a 6 and can go to 10 in a split second when they feel under attack.

Perhaps he's feeling overwhelmed with so many people in the house. It seems like he might feel his personal space is being invaded.

Whatever the reason, listening and calmly communicating are key to making these relationships work. Getting angry and blowing up are guaranteed to trigger a pwBPD.

Before you can start making things better, you have to stop making them worse (please read): https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

SaM x

[JayJay220]

I can’t tell you enough how the tools and articles on this site has helped me tremendously.

Since my last post, it seemed my SO was done but again, it was coming from his state of anger. I didn’t know at the same time I was replying to him, he was in a heated argument with his 17 y/o daughter and was drunk on top of it. As usual he says things he doesn’t mean in that state.

I read the link you included. I now don’t take things so personally when he gets to his state of anger. You’re right. Bec I was taking it personally and reacting from that state of mind, I was making it worse. Mindfulness is def key.

Since my last post 2 weeks ago, I have been using the tools and suggestions and can say it has even helped my SO to reflect on his actions before he reacts. I haven’t told him I’ve been on this site nor have I told him what I think is BPD. That would really get him angry. So without openly discussing this, it’s created his own self awareness! Just by making it better and stop making it worse has really made an impact!

I also made a small donation because this site is necessary for people like me that need to help!

Thanks again!