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Author Topic: Does This Sound Like BPD?  (Read 347 times)
OnwardUpward
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 2


« on: May 19, 2019, 11:38:39 AM »

New here and 99% sure my MIL has BPD possibly with a side of NPD.

Some background:

MIL has created drama from the day DH and I met.  She made it clear she didn't like me. She told family members I wasn’t right for him, that I was selfish, etc.  She even went so far as to hint that I had a drinking problem!  A week before our wedding she tried to talk him out of marrying me.

She demands constant contact with my DH.  She texts/emails him 24/7 and has even faked several serious illnesses to get his attention.  She also texts selfies to him saying "remember me?"
 
Everything is a contest with her, i.e. "you see her family more than me”, “I’m not as important to you as your wife is” and the list goes on.  She engages in email and text battles with my DH, despite my pleas that he not respond to her craziness.  He participates in this nonsense because she's threatened to show up at his work and make a scene.  He's terrified of her.

She storms out on every holiday, every birthday and has even made a scene at a few family weddings and funerals.  If something isn't about her, she isn't happy.  Nothing ever seems to be enough for her, she's like a bottomless pit.  We've started to limit the holidays we spend with her.

Fast forward to today.  We just had our first child and I'm scared. She wants to be at our house every single weekend.  She goes crazy if my mom or brothers see our daughter more than she does.  She's demanding to babysit but I can't leave her alone with someone so unstable.  My DH agrees with me right now but I'm terrified that he'll give in to her at some point.  I absolutely cannot allow it. 

I've begged my DH to go NC with her, but I'm not having much luck - especially now that we have a child.  I almost feel like she owns us now. Even when he considers NC, she finds a way to reel him back in.  No matter what awful thing she does he forgives her and we're back to square one.  And we fight over her - a lot. I've suggested we go to counseling but he won't hear of it.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.  TIA.

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Harri
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2019, 01:59:00 PM »

Hi and welcome!  Congrats on your little one!    

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Excerpt
We just had our first child and I'm scared. She wants to be at our house every single weekend.  She goes crazy if my mom or brothers see our daughter more than she does.  She's demanding to babysit but I can't leave her alone with someone so unstable.  My DH agrees with me right now but I'm terrified that he'll give in to her at some point.  I absolutely cannot allow it. 
Ugh.  We have several members who are parents who made sure never to leave their kids alone with their parent.  It is more challenging when it involves your spouse's parent. 

Your husband has his own relationship with his mom.  I know that is the obvious thing to say however when a person is raised by someone with mental illness they learn patterns of behaviors that become deeply ingrained.  Changing those behaviors is going to be very difficult.  Then you have to consider that your husband may not fully grasp how much this affects how he interacts with his mom and in turn with you.

Your husband will have his own inner battle with these issues and it is going to take him a lot of time to see and work through the issues.  I am not sure that asking him to go no contact is the way.  I would hate to see there be a bigger wedge between you and him.

It is a lot to consider and balance, being married, being a mom, being a DIL. 

Excerpt
And we fight over her - a lot. I've suggested we go to counseling but he won't hear of it.
If he won't go what about going yourself?  You can get input on how to deal with the understandable anger you feel and things you can do to help yourself cope and respond in ways that are healthy for you.  We can help  you with that too.

Thoughts?
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
No-One
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 356



« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2019, 05:20:47 PM »

OnwardUpward:

I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you!  I'm so sorry you have such a difficult MIL.  It has to be very frustrating and draining for you.

Until your partner starts setting some boundaries and enforcing them, she will likely remain out of control.  (i.e. excessive text msgs, threatening to go to his work, etc.).  Is there a FIL in the picture, or is MIL widowed or divorced?

Perhaps you could work out limited contact (LC) with MIL and setting some personal boundaries (that you have control over and enforce on your own). Can you get your partner to ignore the texts, while in your company?  It has to be frustrating for you, if he is obsessed with reading and replying to his mom's texts every day.

I can't imaging having someone over at my house every weekend, even if it was someone I liked. Have you been able to limit this yet?  (i.e. maybe allow for a few hours, every other weekend?).  Probably best to NOT share anything with her about when your relatives visit.

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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2019, 06:58:36 AM »

Thanks for your replies, Harri and No-One...much appreciated.

Yes, I'm seriously considering seeing a T - this situation is affecting my physical and mental health, and I need to be strong and present for our daughter.  DH seems to be in denial as far as MIL is concerned.  He thinks if he continues to let her have her way that she'll be fine.  Right.

MIL is twice divorced - both H's ran for their lives.  As a result, she views my DH as as an H instead of a son.  She often lays on the guilt, telling him that he's all she has.  Ugh.

I do my best to limit her visits, and she complains to my DH about it.  I also do my best to convince him not to reply to all the texts and emails when he's home but he says he's afraid of "starting a war" if he doesn't reply.  IMHO, it's only a war if you participate.

We don't share information about my family, our friends, or our activities but she always seems to find out.  We know a few people in common on social media (DH and I have blocked her) and she asks them to check and see see what we're doing.  I feel as though we're under constant surveillance.  It's annoying and inappropriate.

I can go LC with her but unless DH does the same I think we're in for a lifelong battle.

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